Welcome to Showbiz Assassin, your weekly dose of celebrity dross.
Every Wednesday, I’ll bring you a sort of “Page Six” round-up of Hollywood news — if “Page Six” were written by a snotty, right-wing broad with a GenX sensibility, a 20-gauge shotgun, and appallingly low-brow taste.
(And if you’re wondering about the name of the column, it’s from one of the only Japanese exports I’ve ever enjoyed, a show they used to play on Canadian TV in the 1980s that I called Samurai Babysitter before the internet was invented.)
And now: onward and downward, from the best to the worst in the week’s celebrity news…
1. Am I the last to notice?
As a cadet at Texas A&M circa 1968, presidential candidate RICK PERRY looks eerily like ROTC rage-aholic (and future fragging victim) “Neidermeyer” from Animal House:
2. When ADAM CAROLLA was trying to break into comedy, his new friend JIMMY KIMMEL – then a KROQ-FM sportscaster – told him to come up with a funny character they could put on the air the next day. Overnight, Carolla (then a carpenter) created “Mr. Burchum,” a male-menopausal shop teacher (and amputee Vietnam vet) who became a regular “caller,” then turned up on the pair’s Crank Yankers TV show.
Now Carolla is developing an animated series based on Burchum, for Fox. The hardest napping man in show biz, Carolla already has a new book in the works, plus a permanent floating stand-up comedy tour, The Car Show on SPEED, and the world’s #1 downloaded podcast.
He’s also embroiled in a new (yawn) “controversy”:
You see, Professional Gay People® are ticked off at Carolla for musing on his podcast last week, “When did we start giving a sh*t?” — about transsexuals, that is.
According to TMZ.com, Carolla also suggested that we “should drop the acronym ‘LGBT’ and start using ‘YUCK’ instead.” (Link includes audio — language warning.)
That paragon of dignity and civility, PEREZ HILTON (I know: he’s still alive!) scolded Carrola’s “blatant disregard for the feelings of others.” Remember: this is the same Perez Hilton whose own obnoxious outbursts sabotaged his burgeoning career in 2009.
Some context: Carolla’s rant was inspired by that “BERT and ERNIE are secretly gay and need to get married” story making the rounds.
He and I are the same age, so in his defense, Carolla is old enough to remember when, if you were obsessed with the imaginary sex lives of two puppets on a children’s television show, that meant you were mentally ill.
It never seems to occur to Professional Gay People® that one of the reasons gays might just possibly get “bullied” is because other gays are so often bullies themselves: greedily hijacking everything from Shakespeare to Sesame Street to prove HOW NORMAL THEY ARE, DAMMITALL!
And you’d better believe them. Or else. In Carolla’s case, Professional Gay People® want his podcast taken off the “airwaves.” Which would be hard to do since, being a podcast, it isn’t actually on them.
Need I tell you that Professional Gay People® aren’t satisfied? So expect a letter writing campaign aimed at the SPEED Channel — who certainly don’t want to lose their huge gay viewership! (You know how much they love their NASCAR.)
(TINKY WINKY could not be reached for comment.)
3. On the up side? “Booed By Juggalos” = cool band name…
Turns out, CHARLIE SHEEN is such a disgusting loser, not even the infection prone, white trash followers of INSANE CLOWN POSSE can stand the sight of him.
The former Three and a Half Men superstar was pelted with garbage and bottles of Faygo when he took the stage at last weekend’s “Gathering,” the annual Jerry-Springer-Goes-To-Altamont festival that attracts hundreds of ICP’s most loyal and unemployed fans.
4. Is GEORGE LOPEZ the only Mexican itching to get out of America? In a recent incoherent interview, the comedian vowed to leave the country if SARAH PALIN ever became president.
(However, Lopez said he’d run to Canada, not Mexico. He may be stupid, but he’s not crazy.)
Then this week, Lopez’s late night talk show was cancelled — news that “some Latinos are glad” about, apparently.
Rumors that someone stuck “crosshairs” on his show’s TV Guide listings cannot be confirmed.
5. Looking for the perfect wedding present for GENE SIMMONS and his long-suffering probable future wife, SHANNON TWEED? (I cried when he proposed.)
Finally forgive him for voting for Obama? (Come on, he says now he wishes he hadn’t…)
The groom’s favorite gift is money, so why not snag a new KISS cremation urn? Simmons gets “a taste,” and you spare your loved ones all that painful (and usually expensive) decision-making in their time of sorrow.
It’s a win-win!
6. This week in Mainstreaming Pedophilia & Sexualizing Children, Inc.:
It is at times entrancingly bizarre to see Top 40 sexcapades enacted on television, after the local weather report, during your English muffin. On screen, respectable citizens hold up children young enough to be held and hum along to RIHANNA while she sings ‘S&M,’ a song about sadism and masochism.
— “Eating a Bagel, Humming Rihanna: The joys of watching concerts on morning television” by Troy Patterson at Slate.com
Meanwhile, one-time child star COREY FELDMAN told ABC’s Nightline that he and best friend/actor COREY HAIM (a.k.a. the one that died) were “literally surrounded” by pedophiles when they were shooting Lost Boys and other movies in their teens.
Feldman alleged the “casting couch” — or in this case, cradle — is a going concern, targets aspiring teen actors, and is “the number one problem in Hollywood.”
So far, no one has stepped forward to verify Feldman’s claims.
I smell another moral panic, a la “satanic ritual abuse.” Your mileage may vary.
7. Finally, I can’t top this, via Adweek:
So, two reality shows about sad, crazy people are up for the same Emmy Award…
That is: A&E’s Hoarders and Bravo’s KATHY GRIFFIN: My Life on the D-List.
NOW it’s your turn: You’re invited to share your tips and updates on all things “showbiz” in the comments below!