Culture
Premium

Let's Talk About the REAL Outrage at the Super Bowl

Screenshot/YouTube

I know some people are outraged that Jennifer Lopez and Shakira were shaking their booties all over the place during the halftime show at Super Bowl LIV “The Big Game.” I agree that it looked like an alien invasion of Sodom and Gomorrah. But I grew up watching Charo and Raquel Welch and Ann-Margret doing the same thing, and it’s been 17 years since Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction,” so I don’t really care. To me, the real outrage took place during the commercial breaks. No, not Charlie Day selling out for Tide. Not Bryan Cranston selling out for Mountain Dew. Not Rick & Morty selling out for Pringles. Not even Bill Murray selling out for Chrysler. Those guys all disappointed me to varying degrees, but none of those ad campaigns made me despair for the future of our great nation.

This one did.

I can just picture the roomful of ad guys who came up with this garbage:

“What do the kids like these days? What’s hot right now? We need some ideas here, people.”

“Baby Yoda!”

“Baby Groot!”

“Grown-ass man Wesley Snipes!”

“Wait, what?”

“Well, maybe not, but we can get him cheap after he got cleaned out by the IRS.”

The idea of Mr. Peanut dying in a fiery car crash and then rising from the grave, thanks to the magical tears of a heartbroken Kool-Aid Man, is much more disturbing to me than watching a moderately talented singer trying to gyrate her way out of a sequined bodysuit. It’s an abomination, and much more harmful to the minds of children than watching the World’s Sexiest AARP Member vigorously denying her own mortality. What are you supposed to tell a little kid who asks when Baby Grandma is coming back?

And why are Wesley Snipes and Matt Walsh vacationing together at the Grand Canyon anyway? Is this part of Planters’ outreach to the LGBTQ community? Also, who the hell is Matt Walsh?

I realize that corporations in 2020 are completely baffled by what the American public wants, so they’re just throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks. But then I see something like this and I just want an extinction-level asteroid to hit the Earth:

There’s a reason this guy is commonly found embedded in feces.

Name a better duo? Ammonia and bleach.

These brands are all just so desperate to go viral. We’re already living in the dystopian future shown in Ready Player One. It’s supposed to mean something to us when corporate mascots and other pop-culture afterthoughts team up. “Look, it’s Mr. Clean consoling a sobbing Kool-Aid Man! Oh wow, Charlie from It’s Always Sunny just met Wonder Woman! Hey, it’s Captain America and Jim from The Office! I have no earthly idea what’s going on in this advertisement for store-bought hummus, but I remember who Scary Spice and Ric Flair are!”

None of those ads made me want to buy any of those products. But then, that’s not the point. The point is to get people talking about those brands.

Good thing I didn’t fall for that one!

So in conclusion: I hate Baby Mr. Peanut and I hope he develops a deadly allergy to people. Thank you for reading my blog post on this topic.