1. Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
Drink through the opening montage. It contains all the awesome deaths from Tobe Hooper’s original film. The rest is nothing but garbage.
The story focuses around Leatherface’s only surviving relative, an orphan who looks like she hangs out at the food court and listens to Evanescence in her spare time. She inherits the old Sawyer house from her grandmother. What could go wrong? SPOILER ALERT: Leatherface is still living in the basement. After hacking, bludgeoning, and hanging all of her friends, Leatherface turns into a hero at the end. Avril Lavigne tosses him the fabled chainsaw and she says, “Do yer thing, cuz.” Leatherface hacks up the town’s mayor. Then they both go home and listen to Rob Zombie in the Sawyer nu-metal basement.
2. Day of the Dead (2008)
They have the original Day of the Dead on Netflix and you should probably watch that instead, but I want to vent about how much I hated watching the remake when it was on Netflix last Halloween.
First off, who doesn’t hate Nick Cannon? Take a shot every time he does anything. How dare they put him in Day of the Dead. Drink every time you wish this film took place in a more tropical location. They might as well have called this Zombie Mountain instead of Day of the Dead, because the original took place in Florida and this one is in Colorado.
3. Carrie (2013)
At least the remake of Carrie succeeds where Day of the Dead failed miserably: it follows the source material almost to a fault. The original Carrie was mostly dreary and boring up until the final sequence, and the remake is no exception. With that in mind, drink every time Carrie’s mother, played by Julianne Moore, spouts some religious nonsense or every time Carrie is berated by her schoolmates. John Travolta was a bully douchebag in the original film, but in this he’s replaced by some socialite douchebag. John Travolta is arguably one of the best douchebags out there, so this remake proves to be somewhat ineffective.
4. Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)
John Carpenter sure knows how to make a bangin’ soundtrack. Too bad they butchered it in this version. Take a swig every time you hear this inferior industrial metal version of the Halloween theme. Whenever the baby starts crying, drink until the baby stops crying. When there’s a scary jump shot and nothing happens, take a drink. Why does Netflix only have bad sequels of great movies? Take a drink every time you ask yourself this question.
A recurring theme in slasher films is the “asshole dad” trope, but this one dad proves himself as the king of them all. Watch far enough to see him bite the dust.
The original A Nightmare on Elm Street is a classic of the slasher genre, but this one really kicks the absurdity up a notch with its awkward script consisting of mostly long pauses, exploding parakeets and the occasional homoerotic murder sequence. Speaking of which, there’s one scene where Freddy whips the gym teacher’s butt raw with wet towels before killing him. I have no comment. Not to undermine this impressive social commentary on Jesse’s repressed sexuality, but I found his incessant yelling of “NO, IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN” and “HE’S INSIDE ME” particularly difficult to sit through. Take a drink each time they get on the bus, or if Jesse wakes up drenched in sweat.
Starting with yet another lengthy montage, this one almost seems like we’re watching the trailer for the film. Drink after every death in the beginning. If you’re totally shocked and impressed by the fact that Tina’s dream sequence actually wasn’t a dream but a flashback, take a drink. If not, drink anyway. The suspense of the original movies is missing in action. Jason is on the screen almost all the time, so take a drink every time you see him walking around. This film is worth watching only for the scene where Jason kills some idiot with a weed-whacker.
I really despise George Romero remakes, but this one is even worse than Day of the Dead or the 1990 color remake that Romero himself wrote. Jeffrey Combs totally looks like Jim Lahey from Trailer Park Boys. Take a shot every time he makes an appearance. Drink every time you see a lousy attempt at using 3D splatter effects; even if you’re not watching in 3D, it’s still pretty obvious. There’s a particularly ridiculous scene where Jeffrey Combs reaches into a mini fridge with a green zombie baby inside, but he doesn’t look inside. Drink until Jeffrey Combs pulls out a bottle of water from the fridge.
8. Kill List (2011)
Kill List barely made it because it’s more of a thriller film, but it’s very British so for the sake of making this list more interesting it makes the cut. Every time you can’t understand the dialogue, take a drink. Every time the main character uses excessive violence to get information out of a member on the Kill List and ends up, ya know, killing them, take a drink. This movie has the best ending out of any film on this list, so if you’re willing to put up with all the BS until the end take a drink after the final plot twist.
9. Power Rangers Samurai: Party Monsters (2012)
Power Rangers haven’t changed much over the years, but this new incarnation where most of the monsters are samurai warriors left me scratching my head. In this Halloween episode, all of the monsters are in hell at a Halloween party reminiscing about how the Power Rangers whooped their asses and threw them in the trash. Not very riveting stuff, but at least they re-recorded the Power Rangers theme song with a pretty crushing guitar tone. Pump your fist and drink all through the intro song, then skip to the next film because I’m not sure this really counts as a movie anyway.
10. The Fog (2005)
WARNING: This remake of the 1980 John Carpenter film contains copious amounts of Tom Welling. Drink every time he appears shirtless or any of the female characters decide to walk around in their underwear. As if that weren’t PG-13 enough, this time John Carpenter’s theme is completely missing in action. Instead we get Fall Out Boy. Take a swig every time Tom Welling says, “Let’s go!” This remake ranks higher on the list because it actually follows the original script very closely and even expands on the story of the leper colony. Interesting, but still pointless. The ending where Tom Welling is stranded on his boat is hilarious. GET OFF OUR COLONY, JABRONI.