Culture

5 '80s Staples We Never Want to See Again

Steven Spielberg’s “Ready Player One” does more than bring the video game experience to life. The movie is an ’80s nostalgia wave, washing over us for two-plus hours in ways that make the cast of “Stranger Things” blush.

Audiences may have to buy the Blu-ray edition in a few months to catch all the references. The movie, like the book that inspired it, is chockablock with Reagan era goodies.

And while we can’t stop loving the ’80s, it doesn’t mean every artifact from the era deserves a comeback. We don’t need a new “Ishtar,” for obvious reasons.

Let’s visit 5 other ’80s staples and see why we need to leave them in the past where they belong.

Cheapo Slasher Films

Many a horror nut fell in love with the genre based on these low-budget wonders, best typified by the never-ending “Friday the 13th” saga. Great. Have you watched any of these movies lately? The grainy, cheap film stock. The horrid acting. The corny dialogue. Even mediocre horror films today are better in almost every way. The horror genre keeps maturing, and these retro shockers simply no longer deliver the goods in 2018. Is it any wonder that the “Friday the 13th” re-reboot keeps stalling?

Shoulder Pads

It’s the worst fashion accessory since the wide lapel suit. Seeing these beefy, bulky pads instantly dates a movie in the worst of ways. They might be good for a chuckle, but beyond that their usefulness is for a quick sight gag … and little else.

Mullets

It’s the most maligned hairstyle in modern history, and for good reason. Sure, rock gods like Bono once embraced the short in the front, long in the back mantra. Even U2’s lead singer makes mistakes. Just ask his accountant. Anyone who even attempts a mullet today is instantly immortalized on websites dedicated to mocking the hirsute trend.

Those Goonies

They were good enough back in 1985. Barely. You had to be of a certain age to fondly remember this ode to childhood from director Richard Donner (the “Lethal Weapon” franchise). Being young meant you excused away the cheap laughs and cheaper bonding between the lads. Today, nostalgia has made it a classic of sorts, but one that can’t live up to the billing. Talk of a “Goonies” sequel remains a toxic idea that won’t say die. It’s time to put that idea back in a time capsule and bury it. Deep.

Bill & Ted

Excellent! This one-joke concept had a pretty good run in the ’80s. Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves captured the era’s dumb, disconnected teen spirit in a mostly harmless fashion. The gags were amusing enough, and the concept even fueled a credible sequel. Like “Goonies,” we keep hearing about a “Bill and Ted” sequel with the original stars, of course. Reeves has aged gracefully, no doubt. What would be the point of new Bill and Ted adventures beyond an embarrassing nostalgia trip?