Columns
Premium

Kruiser's (Almost) Daily Distraction: Serial Killer Shows Have Me Looking at My Neighbors Differently

(Kruiser’s Permanote Description: This column is intended to be a lighthearted, short-form way to frequently connect with our cherished VIP readers. Sometimes it will be serious. Sometimes it will be fun. Sometimes it will be a cornucopia of intellectual curiosities and fascinations. OK, maybe not so much the last one. Anyway, as this is a departure for me, I’m including this explanation at the top of each post for a while. Also, non-subscribers can see the first couple of paragraphs so I am in desperate need of filler until we get to the private stuff (subscribe here). Please remember that there is a standing invitation to ask me anything in the comments. Once a week, I’ll answer.)

It’s Always the Innocent-Looking Ones

One thing that frequent readers of mine know is that I binge-watch A LOT of television these days. It’s a habit I picked up after took over the Morning Briefing late in the summer of 2019. I have probably logged more hours of watching television since then than I did in the two decades before.

I had never watched a lot of true crime fare until 2018, when I got hooked on Forensic Files. That show deals mostly with killers who only do it once. After I began my binge days I found myself inextricably drawn to serial killer stuff, both true crime documentaries and fictional tales. I will not dismiss the notion that this new obsession had something to do with the fact that my Morning Briefing gig had me reading about politics all day for five days every week. Yeah, I’d been writing about politics for years but I’d never consumed the amount of political news that’s necessary to write a daily newsletter.

We all need our outlets, kids.

As I was drawn deeper and deeper into the genre, I began questioning where I was going with this. I mean, there had to be a reason that I never wanted to send my DNA off to Ancestry.com, right?

Then I figured that if I’d made it this far in life without becoming a serial killer — especially with the anger issues I had as a young man — I probably never would be one. I breathed a sigh of relief that was only comforting for a moment. I soon began wondering about my neighbors.

How well did I really know any of them?

via GIPHY

For example, I had a guy living next door to me for over two years and I never saw him. This is a neighborhood where people are out and about a lot. It was pretty easy to figure out that he was either a fed, a drug dealer, or a serial killer. I’m annoyed that he moved because now he’s more likely to come back and hunt in this neighborhood.

Another one of my neighbors is British. ‘Nuff said.

They say that most serial killers are male but one of my female neighbors disappears every weekend and is pretty handy with a shovel (I’ve seen her working in the yard). She’s seems pretty self-assured so who’s to say that she hasn’t broken the serial killer glass ceiling?

I’m gonna keep an eye on these people.

Then again, they’re probably watching me for similar reasons. I’m a divorced bachelor who lives alone with a cat and is home all day.

There’s probably a whole FBI profile for that.