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Kruiser's (Almost) Daily Distraction: The Only Column About Corn Flakes and Sex I'm Ever Going to Write

(Kruiser’s Permanote Description: This column is intended to be a lighthearted, short-form way to frequently connect with our cherished VIP readers. Sometimes it will be serious. Sometimes it will be fun. Sometimes it will be a cornucopia of intellectual curiosities and fascinations. OK, maybe not so much the last one. Anyway, as this is a departure for me, I’m including this explanation at the top of each post for a while. Also, non-subscribers can see the first couple of paragraphs so I am in desperate need of filler until we get to the private stuff (subscribe here). Please remember that there is a standing invitation to ask me anything in the comments. Once a week, I’ll answer.)

A Brief Warning Before We Proceed…

This column will be quick but it might be a little too…let’s say naughty for some of you. I hope this won’t permanently ruin our relationship. Then again, I think most of you are familiar with me by now and are aware that my comedian’s brain is a bit dirtier than the average person’s. You should also be forewarned that the double entendre and puns might be a bit much for this one.

Also, I will now be using the shorthand Kruiser’s ADD when referring to this enterprise. It’s fitting, as I have actually been diagnosed (when I was an adult) with and heavily medicated for ADHD.

We here at Kruiser’s ADD are always looking for non-political diversions from the drudgery of the daily political news. In my nightly work on the Morning Briefing I peruse a lot of different sites. A lot. A good number of them aren’t political. I like to find the weird stuff to share.

Here is a story I happened upon last week that amused me greatly. I wanted to write something about it because I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to get it out of my mind. Here’s the headline:

The Bizarre, Anti-Masturbation History of Breakfast Cereal.

You think you know your breakfast, right?

Mental Floss:

Breakfast cereal wasn’t always a colorful, sugary treat hawked by cartoon characters. When John Harvey Kellogg developed corn flakes around the turn of the 20th century, he wanted them to be bland and basic. The doctor thought a diet of plain foods was the secret to fighting masturbation—something he and other fundamentalists considered a public health crisis. The product didn’t have the effect he had hoped for, but consumers didn’t care. That was just the beginning of cereal’s strange, fascinating history.

Weird, if someone had put a gun to my head and made me guess which cereal was originally made for that purpose I would have gone with Grape Nuts.

Too easy, but you all probably would have been disappointed in me had I not gone there.

Anyway, I’ve never been much of a cereal fan, even as a kid. Read what you will into that. It’s all garbage food. Even the “healthy” cereals are absolute trash and horrible for your body. The deadliest thing the federal government ever did was tell the people that “healthy” grains exist. Once that became official, heart disease skyrocketed to the Number One killer spot for the first time.

I’LL STOP PREACHING NOW.

As I said at the top, this is a quick one today. Oh, and I know this wasn’t really about sex.

Here’s a video about the Corn Flakes saga to help everyone get a grip on just how odd this story is:

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PJ Media Senior Columnist and Associate Editor Stephen Kruiser is the author ofDon’t Let the Hippies ShowerandStraight Outta Feelings: Political Zen in the Age of Outrage,” both of which address serious subjects in a humorous way. Monday through Friday he edits PJ Media’s “Morning Briefing.” His columns appear twice a week.