“A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far, Far Away…” lived Donald J. Trump. This year, the presidential primary race has proven stranger than fiction — for both Democrats and Republicans. It is only fitting, therefore, to tie it in with the fictional universe of Darth Sidious and Anakin Skywalker.
Bernie Sanders is Chewbacca. Fuzzy and lovable, Chewbacca is a loyal friend but he might not always understand what’s going on. One suspects that neither Chewbacca nor Bernie Sanders has ever read an economics book.
Hillary Clinton is Darth Vader. Despite her steely — ahem “personable” — exterior, Hillary Clinton has a plan for you. As Bernie Sanders pushes the Democratic Party further left, Hillary “is altering the deal,” along with her principles — swapping sides on the Trans-Pacific Partnership, gay marriage, the Keystone Pipeline, “taking a stand” against Wall Street, and so much more…
Bill Clinton is Queen Amidala. People think this young, charismatic leader of the past had a big impact, but all they did was empower others — Padme Amidala empowered Emperor Palpatine, while Bill Clinton empowered Newt Gingrich.
Martin O’Malley is Grand Moff Tarkin — Grand Moff who? An ambitious underling tasked with leadership of the Empire’s Death Star project, Grand Moff Tarkin is an imposing force, but he will never become a Sith Lord like Darth Vader or Emperor Palpatine. So Martin O’Malley, given leadership of the Democratic stronghold of Maryland, aims for more but will never grasp control of the entire country.
Marco Rubio is Luke Skywalker. Florida Senator Marco Rubio may have ties to the Establishment, as Luke has ties to the Dark Side, but he may be conservatives’ best hope for the White House in 2016.
John Kasich is Jar Jar Binks. Ohio Governor John Kasich stumbles over his words, interrupts at inopportune times, and has bizarre hand gestures. Despite his conservative governing record, he is running as a moderate, hiring the strategist responsible for John McCain’s failing 2000 campaign and Jon Huntsman’s sputtering loss in 2012. Kasich, like Jar Jar, just might have a few tricks up his sleeve — maybe he is secretly a Sith Lord!
Jeb Bush is Boba Fett. Overshadowed by the controversial presidencies of his father and his brother, Jeb Bush struggles in the same way as Boba Fett — son of Jango Fett and brother to all the clone troopers. Boba distinguished himself as a bounty hunter, while Jeb governed Florida — but how much different are they really from the members of their respective families?
Ted Cruz is Obi-Wan Kenobi. A skillful debater, parrying words as Obi-Wan parries blows, Ted Cruz is wise with the ways of the Force of Conservatism, but he can be a bit reckless in sticking his neck out for conservative goals. He may be better suited as a warrior than as a leader.
Donald Trump is Anakin Skywalker. Can’t you just see the evil about to burst through his “winning” exterior? Anakin Skywalker is motivated by saving the ones he loves, but he tries to do so in rash and impertinent ways, gaining more enemies than friends. Donald Trump wants to “Make America Great Again,” but will his explosive policies end up dooming his own party?
Scott Walker is Qui-Gon Jinn. An accomplished fighter with an impressive track record, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker made a few blunders and left the presidential race too soon — just as Obi-Wan’s master Qui-Gon Jinn impressed audiences with his skills but exited the stage far too early.
Ben Carson is C-3PO. The science nerd out of his element, Ben Carson shares a lot with the lovable droid C-3PO. Carson often comes across as “low-energy,” just as C-3PO is constantly depressed, but don’t let that fool you — he has a clear message and he knows what he’s doing (when it comes to neurosurgery, that is!).
Carly Fiorina is Leia Organa. Her strong wit and fearless ability to stand up to Hillary Clinton set Carly Fiorina apart. As Leia faced down Darth Vader, so Fiorina is ready to go mano-a-mano with Hillary. Too bad that isn’t likely to happen.
Rand Paul is Mace Windu. Kentucky Senator Rand Paul is an accomplished Senator who stands up to big government, but too often his rhetoric falls on deaf ears. He has lagged in the polls thanks to Donald Trump’s attacks and the misconception that he is an isolationist. Windu was betrayed by Anakin Skywalker, who believed the misconception that the Jedi master was trying to take power by force.
Chris Christie is the Gungan Boss Nass. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie stands up for his people, and occasionally rules with an iron hand. He is a good leader, if rather silly at times, but he can be serious when he needs to be, especially when it comes to confronting ISIS. Boss Nass is also an iconic and hilarious leader who becomes serious when droids invade his homeland.
Though they’re not presidential candidates, the the next two characters on our list undoubtedly have an enormous influence on the political scene and will influence the upcoming elections:
Charles Koch is Yoda. Despite his reputation for being a Dark Lord, Kansas billionaire Charles Koch laments the fact that he does not have the wide influence in Washington that members of the media attribute to him. Koch is an object of hatred on the left, and his efforts have supported free market conservatives in DC, but his influence is overstated — just like the impact of Master Yoda’s wisdom (Qui-Gon, Obi Wan, Anakin, and Luke all disobey Yoda’s instructions).
George Soros is Emperor Palpatine. The great money man behind the Left, George Soros wields immense power, but his greatest weapon is influence. Moving the American political spectrum further to the left is his ultimate goal, just as Palpatine pulled the strings to set up the Clone War and the death of the Jedi.
A special thanks to Ron Meyer over at Red Alert Politics, who inspired this post and gave some great suggestions for “Star Wars” candidate match-ups.
Images via Flickr and StarWars.com
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