4:45PM The first question is: Which cocktail? The answer is always: Vodka martini. The next question is: Which network? CNN means risking an Anderson Cooper sighting. Fox? Bill O’Reilly risk. On the other hand, you usually get Brit Hume on Fox. So Fox it is.
4:51PM One request: Please don’t refresh the page more than every two or three minutes. That’s as quickly as I can drunkblog one of these events, and the old Amiga 500 we use as a server can barely handle the load when I’m sober. Thanks!
4:53PM Forgive the double post. I swear I’m not (yet) drunk enough to see two of them.
4:55PM Brett Baier? I was hoping for Brit Hume.
4:56PM My sources tell me Fox’s Major Garrett is being groomed for Lt Col.
4:57PM Hey, Brit!
4:58PM A 40-45 minute speech for an issue we’ve been talking about since effing April? Who does this Obama guy think he is? Oh, wait…
5:01PM And away we go…
5:01PM The Speaker wore red.
5:02PM I usually love Michelle Obama’s wardrobe, but why did she murder Corky the Clown and steal his tie?
5:05PM The Republicans have chosen a Birther to deliver the rebuttal? Was Charlie Manson not available?
5:07PM Ah, there’s Kathleen Sebelius. I think she’s there to tag elderly Congresspersons for possible counseling and termination.
5:09PM Al Franken, during his career as a comic, was never known for his George Hamilton impersonation. Somebody needs to remind his colorist of that.
5:10PM We could be in for a long evening. My wife took one look at me and ordered a very large pizza.
5:12PM And here comes the President, running on Clinton Standard Time. Bush’s speeches were almost uniformly dreadful, but he was at least punctual.
5:13PM Judging by his reception, President Obama remains very popular with people who have no intention of voting for his proposals.
5:15PM I can’t look at Michelle without hearing,
“Caroline laughs and
It’s raining all day
She loves to be one of the girls…”
5:16PM You know why he’s getting such a good reception? These Congressional clowns will applaud ANYone getting them away from those dreadful Town Hells.
5:17PM OK, kids — brace yourselves for… content.
5:17PM Wait… he’s turning this into a State of the Union address?
5:18PM “I will not let up until those Americans who seek jobs can find them.” Translation: “The floggings will continue until morale improves.”
5:19PM “We have pulled this economy back from the brink.” Translation: “Inflation, taxes, and regulations haven’t kicked in yet.”
5:19PM “We came here to build a future.” Oh… crap.
5:20PM If this is the last president to speak about health care, I’ll give up drinking. Shall we meet in 2012 under a table?
5:21PM “The breaking point.” Translation: We need to act NOW to pass a bill no one understands that won’t go into effect until after I’m safely reelected.
5:22PM “We are the only wealthy nation…” without national health care. Dude. “We’re not France” ain’t gonna sell in the heartland, mmmkay?
5:23PM Heartbreaking insurance stories! And government will make bureaucracy better!
5:25PM Health care is putting an “unsustainable burden” on taxpayers. Solution: More! The solution is always more, isn’t it? Let’s try less for a while, and see how that works. Wow, I *must* be drunk.
5:26PM There are those who say we should be like Canada. Others say we should kill all the Jews. I say, take the middle route, and send some Jews to Canada!
5:27PM Telltale sign: Obama is positioning himself against his own Congress. I’m not so drunk I didn’t spot that.
5:29PM Yes, he really is running against Congress — both “extremes,” to be sure, as that’s his M.O. But still, he’s trying to go over their heads and to the people. That might have worked six months ago, but his own negatives might now be too high.
5:30PM “Nothing in this plan will REQUIRE you or your employer to change what you have.” Require is one of those weasel words.
5:31PM I think my cable company shouldn’t be allowed to drop my favorite channels ever. I want a law.
5:32PM Correction: Preventative care does save lives, but it costs more money, not less. Nothing costs less than a dead patient. Don’t forget that. Ever.
5:33PM These exchanges sound great. But how about we just repeal the cartel laws which prevent consumers from shopping nation-wide?
5:35PM John McCain has the look of a man who can’t wait to twist the knife. Or, rather, he would, if he couldn’t be bought off so cheaply. He’ll flip, given half a chance.
5:35PM “…unless everybody does their part…” My part consists of… the people under my roof. Now you go do your goddamn party. Mmmkay?
5:38PM “Misinformation.” Well, that’s a step up. Pelosi called protestors Nazis. The President thinks of you as mere liars.
5:39PM Eff me. The president is LECTURING people he needs to win over. How’s that gonna go over, you think?
5:40PM He’s trying to sell the Government Option as a “choice” still. But of course. The over/under on the Government Option crowding out everything else is about five years.
5:41PM “I have no interest in putting insurance companies out of business.” True, dat. But like GM and the banks, he has complete interest in making them wards of the state.
5:42PM Profit = “Overhead”!!!
5:43PM Kids, profit is how we get MORE of stuff we like. This socialist President thinks it’s “overhead.”
5:44PM He’s still running against Congress. That alone should tell you where A) Congress is, and B) Obama is.
Neither place is good.
5:45PM Who defines affordable? Who defines choice?
5:46PM “Finally…” If he means it, I’ll drink to it.
5:47PM Obama promises not to “add a dime” to the deficit. I’m not supposed to drop the f-bomb here, but your about to get fucked on your taxes. I apologize.
5:47PM Obama, however, won’t apologize.
5:48PM Sorry if tonight’s drunkblog is crankier than usual. But I drank too much last night, and woke up in an ice-filled bathtub minus my tonsils and my feet.
5:50PM Seniors have to pay for their own drugs? Outrageous! Why, if I’d have known that kind of thing was going on, I’d have stopped shoplifting all those steaks.
5:51PM Oh. My. Effing. God. Yes, I do think the president is promising us that in the future, all plans will have costs that are “below average.” But he won’t get half the kicking around Gerald Ford did.
5:53PM And… BOOM! Obama is desperate enough, he’s willing to throw the Republicans a bone on malpractice reform. Now, here’s where we find out if Republicans have principles or can be bought off cheaply. The safe money will go on the latter.
5:54PM The rich will pay! And so will those nasty foreigners! Except the Chinese! We’ll be paying them for years and years!
5:55PM Government will save you money. In other news, Eliot Spitzer is spending one-tenth of one-percent fewer tax dollars on hookers.
5:56PM Give me my plan or people will DIE!
5:57PM Obama just praised the town hall protestors. You know, the Nazi liars? And now Ted Kennedy wants you to pass this bill that doesn’t exist yet, because he was quite popular and very large and had hardly killed anyone at all, personally, since 1969. Also, great hair for a dude who was like 107, right?
5:58PM Self-reliance! Love of freedom! Skepticism of government! And socialized medicine! Sing it with me now: One of these things is not like the other…
5:59PM Mr. President, A suggestion — don’t use “Kennedy” and “drive” in the same sentence. Just sayin’.
6:00PM I will lend my own helping hand, by performing breast exams for only $10, and to women who can afford it least, in the 19-23 year-old age bracket. I’m doing my part! To your parts!
6:03PM Kick the can? Mr President, your own plan kicks the can until after your reelection. Put up something you might possibly pay for your own damn self.
6:03PM “We can do great things.” Yes! We! Can! If you’d just, in the words of another patriot, “Get the hell out of my way!”
6:06PM For the record, I’m disgusted. And I need another drink. If I’m feeling up to it, I’ll post a little Oh I’m So Wise summary later tonight at VodkaPundit.com. Or possibly not. But here’s the short version: Obama will see a brief spike in the polls, but not enough. He delivered a divisive speech to a divided nation — and that’s no way to spur a divided Congress into action.
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