PJ Media

The Future of the GOP Is Ron Paul?

It’s a good time for a reemergence of conservatism. Liberalism has discredited itself by trying to govern and passing hugely unpopular legislation, and the opportunity for the right to strike back is coming this November.

Thus conservatives are looking for someone who can lead us to victory and small government, and one candidate in particular has emerged, winning the CPAC straw poll in November and falling just one vote short of winning the Southern Republican Leadership Conference straw poll last month.

Of course, I’m talking about Ron Paul.

Yeah. Him again. Just when we thought it was safe to once again have an inconsequential poll, here come the Ronulans to try and snatch up a pointless victory. Yeah, okay guys — all the online polls and text polls Paul won back in 2008 didn’t convince me Ron Paul had any actual support, but now I think it’s for real. That was sarcasm, by the way (I don’t think a lot of Ron Paul’s supporters understand sarcasm), but sarcasm aside, I argue that if we’re smart, we’ll invest the future of the GOP in Ron Paul.

So who is Ron Paul? I don’t really know. I think he’s like a representative from Texas or something who thinks gold is shiny and wants to follow the principles of George Jefferson. The point isn’t who he is, though; it’s that he’s catnip for crazies.

I remember I first heard about him when Pajamas Media took a poll on who the Republican presidential nominee for 2008 should be. Ron Paul won handily. I had never heard of him, so I deduced that his followers must be a bunch of crazy people. If you’re wondering why I’d jump to such a conclusion, it’s because if an unknown makes a big showing in an online poll, he must have a lot of over-enthusiastic supporters. And I’m from a generation that equates genuine enthusiasm with stupidity and insanity.

Now, that’s sort of a problem — it’s nice to unironically enjoy something every once in a while — but my instinct was pretty on the nose here. Pretty soon after the poll, Paul’s followers were like Beetlejuice; you just said “RON PAUL!” three times anywhere on the internet, and out of nowhere people would appear to tell you how Ron Paul was the only one who could save America.

And these were the thickest people you’ve ever encountered; it was just impossible to make them understand how off-putting their over-the-top love for an odd little man from Texas was. They’d just come at you with the supposed Gandhi quote: “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” Which is a stupid quote; I make fun of chimpanzees at the zoo, but that doesn’t mean that next I’ll be fighting them, and then Planet of the Apes will happen for real. Still, there was no reason to get too angry at dense, silly people, but then I started to realize how many of them are white supremacists, anti-Semites, and truthers — basically everyone the MSM likes to pretend the tea partiers are — and my patience started to run very thin.

Now why does Ron Paul attract these people? Well, he takes a position outside the mainstream and stands on principle, not convenience. This attracts the support of people who feel let down by the system and ignored by the two major parties. And crazy people. Mainly crazy people who, much like Ron Paul, don’t know how to work within the actual system to get things done, because they just don’t understand how gosh darn insane they look to everyone else. I believe it’s possible to support a lot of Ron Paul’s ideas and not be crazy — the blame-America-first attitude on foreign policy is despicable, though — but it’s not possible to hang out with other Ron Paul supporters for very long and not be crazy yourself. These people have worked long and hard to make sure their sales pitch for Ron Paul and his ideas will cause a sane man to slowly back away while keeping a hand near his gun.

But didn’t I say Ron Paul was the future of the GOP? Then why did I just spend so much time bashing his supporters as toxic, crazy people? Well, I just wanted you all to understand the reality of the situation. Yes, these people are crazy, but they are also crazy enthusiastic, which can be useful at times. I mean, one-on-one arguing for a candidate, they scare people, but they’re still feet on the ground. And they can raise money, too. Sure, all that money and enthusiasm is kinda useless when it’s just them and Ron Paul, but what if we got the party machine behind it? You see, we make Ron Paul the leader of the GOP, and then all his supporters will become our hardworking lackeys to dispense as we see fit.

I know what you’re thinking. “Ron Paul will never play along with that. He knows we’re all corporate shills who have no regard for the Constitution and start wars for the benefit of our Jew-masters.” And that’s a valid point. But that’s why the Jews who secretly run the country built those mind-controlling satellites. The problem is that it takes time to fully brainwash someone via satellite, and Ron Paul is quite wily. He sleeps every night inside a Faraday cage just to make sure our mind control rays can never get to him.

So here’s the plan: We have someone outside his house say something like, “It was stupid to ever base our dollar on gold. It’s just a dumb shiny thing; we might as well base our economy on tinsel.” Ron Paul will then run outside to give the person a good talking to, and that’s when we’ll blow up his house with a missile while making it look like terrorists crashed a plane into it (we’ve done that before; it’s pretty easy). Ron Paul will then flee to the shelter he has prepared for when the country finally collapses, but we’ll have turned all the shielding around it into a signal amplifier. Then we’ll hit him with the mind control rays. If they don’t microwave him (we’ll have to check the proper impedance), by the next morning he’ll be telling his supporters, “Know what’s the most constitutional thing ever? The Federal Reserve!”

And there we have the future of the GOP: A Ron Paul puppet leading his eager supporters to help us stomp all over the Constitution and start wars of aggression, with no one left to stop us!

Except maybe Dennis Kucinich.