I have some exciting news to tell you. For the first time ever, you will have a car that’s been made using the full efforts of the federal government. That’s right; the same entity that once got man to the moon will now get you to the grocery store. Yes, unlike the moon, you’ve been to the store before, but never with the style and efficiency of a vehicle designed by your United States government.
Now that President Barack Obama is wielding greater control of the auto industry, he’s decided it’s time to design a vehicle fit for this new era. He got a thousand of the government’s best and brightest (995 lawyers and politicians and five engineers) to design a car fit for the needs of the twenty-first century while including forward-thinking sensibilities. This new car is called the B-ROC and it is truly the Obama of automobiles. Here are some preliminary features:
- The B-ROC will be efficiently sized so as to be no bigger than needed to transport a driver, his or her life partner, one optional child, and three bags of groceries of average weight (i.e., not all canned food).
- The B-ROC will boast a reasonable, fuel-efficient acceleration of zero to sixty in twenty seconds (this is based on a theoretical model capable of reaching a speed of sixty miles per hour).
- The B-ROC will be able to maintain a speed of almost fifteen times the average human walking speed. That’s faster than most land animals and still relatively safe.
- Rest assured you’ll be noticed driving the new B-ROC, as it will be colored bright orange for high visibility to pedestrians and wildlife.
- To fight noise pollution, instead of a horn, the B-ROC will include a booklet of hand signals to communicate with fellow drivers in a more efficient and exact manner.
- Similar to the popular OnStar system, the B-ROC will come standard with the BigBrother system. This will allow the government to keep track of where you are and what you’re saying. And if you were hoping OnStar would one day monitor for speech insensitive to race, gender, or sexual preference, then you’re going to love BigBrother! And if you’re ever in need, a helpful government social worker will be one button away with a wait time guaranteed to be no more than six hours (for safety reasons, the B-ROC must be parked during two-way communications). Never be afraid; BigBrother is watching you!
- Remote access will allow the government to open your B-ROC for you if you accidentally lock your keys inside. It will also allow the government to lock you inside if they feel they need to for your own safety
- The B-ROC’s engine will also come equipped with remote cutoff to prevent theft or stop someone from driving who is delinquent on his taxes (members of Congress and White House staff can have this feature disabled at no extra charge).
- The B-ROC will be the most environmentally friendly automobile ever designed. Not only will it have low emissions, it will be 85 percent biodegradable and will begin to slowly decompose soon after it’s driven off the lot.
- The B-ROC will support all kinds of alternative fuels, from alcohol to water (as long as it’s also filled with gasoline).
- Instead of simply recording your mileage, the BROC will also make helpful suggestions about walking when it feels you’ve been driving more than necessary. It will additionally be able to enforce these suggestions in times of fuel-shortages or other emergency situations yet to be determined.
- While the B-ROC will normally not include a cigarette lighter, it can be added as an extra option if the purchaser has a medicinal marijuana prescription.
- For entertainment, the B-ROC will include a radio capable of receiving NPR and other stations with approved, politically balanced content.
The expected price of the B-ROC will be $100,000. Though the materials’ cost is estimated at $5,000, the government will still be selling it at a loss due to labor costs from the new union contract the Democrat-controlled Congress just negotiated. Government aid will be offered to those unable to afford the price but able to show a need for faster-than-human-powered transport.
Unfortunately, the revolutionary B-ROC has already become the subject of negative rumors. Some are claiming the B-ROC is secretly Muslim, but this is untrue; it merely includes both an indicator of which side the gas tank is on and which way is Mecca as a bow to cultural sensitivity. Some have also labeled the B-ROC a “death trap,” but that is grossly unfair. While it is true that nearly all collisions with traditional automobiles will most likely prove fatal to the passengers of the B-ROC, collisions between B-ROCs will be highly survivable, and eventually those will be the only vehicles legal to drive on this nation’s highways. Estimates for B-ROC-related fatalities during this transitional period are as low as 100,000 (plus an additional 10,000 suicides from those who are unable to properly adjust to driving a B-ROC). So don’t listen to the doubters; the B-ROC is the vehicle all responsible citizens have been waiting for.
The B-ROC: It’s from the government, and it’s here to get you places!