Klavan On The Culture

Trump to Build New Tower in Journalist's Head

The Donald Trump Organization has announced it is opening up a new Trump Tower inside the head of the editor of the New York Times. A spokesman for the Trump organization said Donald Trump already owned the real estate in the editor’s head and while the space was narrow there was still plenty of room in it since there seemed to be nothing else in there besides thoughts of Donald Trump.

Early blueprints of the tower show that the foundation will be laid in the seething froth of hysterical bias located at the base of the editor’s brainstem and the tower should rise unimpeded through the top of the editor’s head since the top of his head exploded directly after Trump won the election.

Times Editor Blithering Prevarication the Third said he welcomed the construction of the new Trump Tower inside his head since it would give him a place to neatly store all the Blithering Prevarication Trump headlines that are now littering the front page of the former newspaper itself.

These headlines include,

“Some Say Many Feel Sources Report Experts Pick Donald Trump as Worst President Ever,”

“Celebrity Stylists Say Trump’s Hair Reveals Ties to Fascism,”

“Observers Wonder Why They Never See Donald Trump and Steve Bannon At The Same Time”

And…

“Why Stupid Americans Stupidly Voted for Stupid Donald Trump Because They’re So Stupid.”

At a joint press conference Mr. Prevarication held with his Psychiatrist, the editor of the former newspaper addressed an empty room full of imaginary reporters, saying, “Many people say I have become obsessed with Donald Trump, and that I think every news story should be about Trump and that I even think Trump is hacking my dreams and broadcasting Trump thoughts directly into my Trump head through the Trump fillings in my Trump teeth Trump Trump Trump. Trump Trump.” Mr. Prevarication went on to assure the reporters: “These accusations are entirely un-Trump.”

A spokesman for the Trump Organization said the new Trump Tower inside the editor’s head would include some never-before-seen innovations, like a gigantic photograph of Donald Trump’s face on every wall, a recording of Trump’s inaugural address playing at full volume on a loop in every room, and of course large gold letters spelling Trump to be used instead of furniture and fixtures. The spokesman said this decor was meant to blend in with the decor that was in the Times editor’s head already, so they would not cause much of a change.

To commemorate the construction of the new tower, the New York Times issued a special edition with the headline “Trump to Build New Trump Tower Trump Trump Trump Trump.” The entire article consisted of Trump’s name written again and again. After writing the article, the Times editor chased his wife through the house with an axe, shouting “Here’s Johnny!” before returning to live in the Trump tower inside his head where he will continue to edit new editions of the New York Trump. Trump Trump.

For more, listen to my podcast Monday through Thursday.