Klavan On The Culture

Vote For Me! I'm Un-indicted!

Democrat candidate for gangster-like president Hillary Clinton is joyfully celebrating the conclusion of the FBI’s criminal investigation into her use of a private email server. “Yahoo!” she crowed at her latest campaign stop, “The FBI says I am extremely careless with classified material and may even have violated the law, but I will not be prosecuted. This is a banner day for me and for America!”

Touring the country with president Barack Obama, Mrs. Clinton told a crowd of wildly cheering New York Times reporters, “You know, eight years ago this man humiliated me in front of the entire country, and yet when he needed me to lie for him about the causes of the Benghazi killings, I lied like a house on fire — and that’s why I’m standing before you today completely un-indicted. In fact, when I think back to my marriage to Bill, I realize that letting a man humiliate me and then lying to protect him has been a path to power for me all along. So I just want to say to every girl in America, let your men humiliate you and then lie for them and you too could one day not be indicted.”

In the wake of the FBI’s report, President Obama threw his full support to Mrs. Clinton, saying, “This is a woman who probably allowed America’s secrets to be hacked by our enemies, but no one can prove it, so I’m behind her a hundred percent.”

Some Clinton supporters voiced concerns that Republican candidate Donald Trump would take advantage of the FBI revelations of Mrs. Clinton’s habitual dishonesty and corruption. Mr. Trump responded to these concerns by putting on a clown suit, setting himself on fire and riding a unicycle off the roof of an office building while screaming, “I hate blacks and Jews.”

Polls now show Trump trailing Clinton by 300 percentage points although both candidates are polling behind O.J. Simpson and tapeworms.

Hear the whole thing here.