Let The Intolerable Boredom Begin!

I try to protect my busy mind from useless information: which body hairs the gay friends of newspaper editors are having waxed off; what Michelle Obama thinks I should eat; what feminists have to say about anything. I’ve taught myself to dial it all down to meaningless background noise so it doesn’t distract me from more important stuff, like what’s for dinner. But now and then, in this information-heavy age, you just can’t help finding out something you don’t need to know. And somehow, it’s filtered into my consciousness that there’s some sort of big soccer tournament going on. The World Cup, I’m guessing, since I can’t think of another one.

I saw some headline in the New York Times like, “Let the Excitement Begin!!!” and I thought that must be what it is. And then there are those unbelievably annoying animations on the Google home screen, so yeah, now I’m almost certain. I don’t have to tell you what a boring and offensive game soccer is — no score, no hands, fascist thugs in the stands chanting obscenities and starting riots. If you’re reading this, you can read, so you’re smart enough to figure it out yourself.

But you don’t have to watch and it wouldn’t be so annoying if it weren’t for these leftist dipsticks working so hard to try to get us to pretend to enjoy it. Why? So we can be more like Europe, I guess. Where, you know, the Inquisition and Nazis happened. Yeah, gimme more of that action! Oh, but Europeans are so civilized, don’t you know. You don’t see them walking around with guns or Bibles. Health care is free. They don’t even have wars anymore. Wars! Yuck.

But of course that Europe, the Europe of the left, is 100% mythology. The Europe of greatness died in the middle of the last century. What’s left is a dead body slowly being devoured by parasites, both homegrown and foreign. Their socialism has been largely underwritten by our capitalism: our military protects them; we invent and pay for the health care innovations they get for “free.” They have to silence their citizens from criticizing the Islamists who are slowly conquering them; the only way the people can be heard is by electing hateful fascists in hopes of making it stop. Kicking a ball back and forth without scoring while waiting for some Nazi in the stands to start a riot — it’s a good metaphor for the entire continent!

So yes, let the World Cup or whatever begin! Oh, and by the way, what’s for dinner?