Klavan On The Culture

My Great Idea for Radical Gay Hell

My approach to gay rights is strictly libertarian: do what you want; don’t scare the horses. Gay people are among the nicest, most civilized and broad-minded folks I know. Plus, like Jews, being hated has sharpened their senses of humor. They make me laugh — which is what I’m here for.

Most of them, like any civilized person gay or straight, would be disgusted and horrified by the witch-burning of Mozilla co-founder Brendan Eich. The bullies and thugs who engineered his loss of a job over his donation to a traditional marriage cause — and I don’t give a rat’s whether he donated ten years ago or yesterday — should be forced to take How-To-Be-An-American re-education classes.

Or here’s an even better idea! You remember the Jean-Paul Sartre play No Exit? It’s an existential vision of hell:  three people stuck in a room together, perfectly chosen to get on each other’s nerves, attacking, blaming and seducing one another for all eternity. “Hell is other people.”

Well since Fred Phelps recently died…  and since he was the founder of Westboro Baptist Church…  and since they’re the clowns who go around disrupting the funerals of U.S. soldiers because they feel America is too nice to gay people (“God hates fags!” their signs declare.)…  how about they make a room in hell where Fred and the people who got Eich fired can, you know, hang out together? Forever. And also ever.

No wait, maybe that wouldn’t work. After they got past the whole gay thing, they’d probably find out they have way too much in common.