The MSM Reports: Candidates of Death!
Anchor: Good evening, this is MSM News. The presidential candidate who murdered Joe Soptic's wife has chosen for his running mate a man who pushes old ladies in wheelchairs off cliffs. It's a ticket that some political observers say resembles an episode of Dexter with two murderous psychopaths chasing each other around the room. Observers across the political spectrum from far left to left have condemned Mitt Romney's choice of the budget-cutting Paul Ryan as a harrowing, blood-soaked event that will leave the bodies of women and the elderly strewn across the political landscape. To discuss this issue, we've assembled a team of our most objective journalists. We'll begin with Candy Crowley from CNN. Candy, you met a Republican once, how is the GOP feeling about this selection?
Crowley: A lot of Republicans feel this could be some sort of political ticket death wish. I mean, we've already had this whole debate about trying to bring down the debt by cutting government spending and I believe we've reached a consensus that we'd prefer to do nothing while uselessly taxing the rich out of envy and bitterness. The American people have spoken and I just think it's insane for Republicans to bring up the subject of the economy when the economy is so bad.
Anchor: Jonathan Alter is the former senior editor of Newsweek, an NBC political analyst and the trustee in charge of tinfoil for the audio-visual department at St. Mary's Post-Modern Home for the Narratively Insistent. What do you think, Jonathan?
Alter: This just confirms my contention that a vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for death. This is not an exaggeration or some sort of insane blithering from a man who's lost all sense of the moral and ethical obligations of the profession of journalism. This is simple fact. If Romney is elected, people will die. People who vote for Romney will die. They may die even in the act of voting. I wouldn't be surprised to see people keeling over the moment they pull the lever. It's going to be a bloodbath.