Tired of the Coffee Party and the Tea Party? We’re the newest game in town!
I woke up this morning and realized I didn’t want tea or coffee. I wanted hot cocoa!
So I turned on my computer and in a few minutes founded a new political movement — The Cocoa Party!
Yes, it was that simple.
Then I got one of my friends at the newspaper where I used to work to violate all professional journalistic ethics by writing a puff-piece about me without revealing that I used to work there. Thanks!
Also, thanks for not mentioning that I used to really really really like Kool-Aid.
Now, in between fielding 100 emails an hour from new members wanting to start chapters from Wasilla to Waco, Twittering 17 witty tweets per minute, fielding calls from TV producers and journalists, and weeping with joy and sincerity about our wonderful country, I barely have time to consider that I’ve just revolutionized politics — all before lunch!
But enough about me. This is about The Cocoa Party!
MISSION
The Cocoa Party Movement gives voice to Americans who want to see chocolate in government. We recognize that the federal government is not the enemy of chocolate, but the expression of our collective will to drink hot cocoa, and that we must participate in the democratic process in order to address the challenges that we face as cocoa-drinkers. As voters and caffeinated volunteers, we will support leaders who work toward the addition of those little marshmallows, and hold accountable those who want to ban hot beverages altogether.
We’re so grassroots, we’re weedroots.
We are diverse — whipped cream, cinnamon, mint-flavored, soy, or straight-up old-fashioned.
We are 100% weedroots. No astroturf Obama-campaigning former New York Times employees in the Cocoa Movement, no sirree! No grassroots racist fascist redneck Neanderthal Teabaggers either! And no hyper-partisan strategists calling the shots in this movement. We are a spontaneous and collective expression of our desire to forge a culture of ludicrous propaganda that is entirely blame-oriented.
We demand a government that responds to the needs of the majority of its hot beverage drinkers as expressed by our choice of mugs or cups; NOT corporate interests as expressed by misleading coffee advertisements posing as legitimate journalism!
We want a society in which hot cocoa is treated as sacrosanct and ordinary citizens drink it out of a sense of civic duty, civic pride, and a desire to taste something delicious. The Cocoa Party is a call to action. Our Founding Fathers and Mothers gave us an enduring gift — chocolate — and we must drink it to meet the challenges that we face as a nation.
Oh wait — I forgot: We don’t hate those Teabaggers or those upstart Java Jivers! No really, we don’t! In fact, we’re just like you guys. Honestly. You prefer one kind of hot beverage, we prefer another kind — it’s all good. Can’t we all just get along? But remember, there’s only room for one hot-beverage-weedroots movement in this sweet country of ours — so abandon your deeply held beliefs and principles and join our 100% authentic political uprising today!
Update: The Cocoa Party now has its own Facebook page!
Bravo! Bravissimo!
Wonder how many lefties will fail to grasp the sarcasm, tho. Lefties tend to have little or no sense of humor.
Bravo Zombie! It took just one glance at todays NYT article in the Seattle Times to see that the fawning over the “coffee party” must conceal an Obama-surrogate. And sho’nuf, Annabel Park is an old Obama cheerleader from way back. Funny the Times forgot to mention that…
Now: just how much of the ‘stimulus’ slush fund is being applied to stimulate this oh-so-centrist ‘rally the troops for Obama’ organization?
Should be real popular in New Orleans!
“Weedroots”!
Bahahahahahaha!
Good ‘un.
Can the Mocha Party be far behind?
I’d already forgotten about the tea parties, and coffee party’s are already old hat. The cocoa parties are so five minutes ago (literally). My thing is the new thing. They’re called keggers. That’s where it’s at now. We don’t discuss any politics until we’ve put a way a few.
Hey, now. I hope you’re not dissin’ by implication my own new political party, the Soda Pop Party. It’s fizzy and fresh and has many flavors!
I’m holding out for the Vodka on Ice with Olives party!
I see a T-Shirt coming . . . .
Meet the Kool-Aid Party: http://www.youtube.com/user/Optoons#p/u/1/DBOJrlKyfIE
I just created the Postum Party
I’m up for the Cocoa Party, but can I form a special interest group advocating for the right of who like sprinkles on their whipped cream? We’ve long been oppressed by the no-sprinkles crowd.
And I’m coo coo for cocoa puff pieces.
The Cocoa Community frowns on your shenanigans.
But, I don’t want a hot beverage party. I want an Iced Tea Party!!! Where we believe in cold, hard facts and no warm, fuzzy feelings.
Look, just hand over the chocolate, and no one gets hurt.
I’m going to start the Diet Ginger Ale Party right now!
*cracks open a can and takes a swig*
America has had enough of hot-blooded hot drink political movements. We need politicians in Washington who have a little bite but won’t cause any sleepless nights. Caffeine-free and zero calorie! Who’s with me?
I think both the Tea and Coffee parties are vapid and lacking coherent substance, but after screaming for weeks that they deserved media coverage and then receiving it, it’s kind of hard to have sympathy for teabaggers now that another similarly vapid group is receiving the same puff piece treatment.
Racist Swiss Missers!
If I ask for cocoa with marshmallows is that racist? Lucky Charms has colored marshmallows.
Sorry, Simon, there’s just no comparison. The Tea Party is a legit grassroots movement, the Coffee Party is Brady-Bunch quality astroturf.
The Cocoa Party exists.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=340386299906
Zombie: Please seize this future asset.
The Cocoa Party isn’t a REAL party until you post a video featuring the Swiss Miss.
And if you can, also post a version that’s safe for those of us who read from work to access.
Thanks for proving me right, Simon.
Racists!
New Coke, Real Coke, what was it? Fizzled.
Suspect that those of you founding movements with alcoholic names have an unfair marketing advantage.
For me, it would have to be the Champagne Party! Really Good Champagne. Ban the “Cook’s.” Rot gut stuff.
Micro-beers on tap would be a real winner, and probably really help the mood of the country, too.
“Beer Summit!” (Oh, quit it!) Every now and then, Obama is kind of an interesting guy as President.
Racists! No Mexican Hot Chocolate!
Obama is president… how much more chocolate in government do you want?
Did you even bother to ask the marshmallows if they wanted to be added to your fancy elitest cocoa? You just take that whole sugary demographic for granted, don’t you?
27. Brennan:
“The Cocoa Party exists.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=340386299906
Zombie: Please seize this future asset.”
Great! Thanks for creating that. I have now updated this post with a link to the Facebook page.
As for me “seizing this future asset” — I’m afraid to say, I’m not a Facebook member and have no idea how to use it, nor do I have the inclination to find out how! As a result, I hereby dub thee “Cocoa Party Facebook Chairman” and the site is entirely in your hands! Do with it what you will — we are a free-form organization, after all!
This is so funny!
I was going to join the cocoa party FB page until I saw the racist neanderthal teabagger line. I figured it was snark, but figured the left wouldn’t take it as such.
This is a great post though!
Aaarrggh. Those little marshmellow thingies? I *hate* those!
Sign me up, though. I’ve blogged about this.
@ #11. Solane71:
“I’m holding out for the Vodka on Ice with Olives party!”
So is Pajamas Media Steven Green
JM Hanes: brilliant, the sugary sugar cane-fields are a plantation, and one that is heavily subsidized.
And people are always after me Lucky Charms!
That was excellent snark…
Something to think about:
Other nations have ‘color’ revolutions and ‘velvet’ revolutions and even ‘people’s’ revolutions.
America is having a beverage revolution.
JD and coke fer me, please.
Politics is a drink best served cold…
Weedroots–that’s beautiful.
This party is already really taken off! I mean, it has more influence than any other political movement in the history of the world. Ever. Ever ever. You know how I know? I’m writing this from COCOA FLORIDA! Stick that in your pot and brew it, you dirty, coffee swilling hippies!
Somebody photoshop a picture of a Tucan for the mascot–I’m cuckoo for the cocoa party!
Yeah, but is there ALCOHOL involved? Guns? Scantily clad nubile women? I gots to know!
Re: TheLastBrainLeft
Congrats, you’re one of the many who have rendered the term “astroturf” meaningless by assigning it to mean any group that you vaguely disagree with. There are a lot of legitimate criticisms of the Coffee Party — and Tea Party — but astroturf isn’t one of them. It’s kind of hard to argue such a silly thing when the group sprouted up from a random Facebook status update
It’s Oompa-Loompas.
I’m holding out for the Yoohoo Party, as in Yoohoo, pay attention to me. Pay no attention to the man behind the screen and what he is doing (or trying to do)…
Hey… ‘Weedroots” was my idea. http://redstickrant.blogspot.com/2010/03/little-bias-with-your-coffee.html
Did Glenn Reynolds tell you??
Oh, and us N’Awlns people are holding out for the ‘Bignet and Cafe-au-Lait Party’!
#52. clifford:
No, it was just a case of cosmic coincidence! I hadn’t seen your post or ever seen your blog before just now. Great minds think alike!
Probably, if we searched the Internet diligently enough, we’d find that somebody else undoubtedly came up with “weedroots” way back in 2005 or of some such year. There is rarely something new under the sun-that-drives-climate-fluctuations.
Weedroots vs. Keggers – how sad that so many people still actually think there’s a difference….
Otherwise, a magnificent piece of snark. Well done.
Chocolate is my reason to exist. And if you add some snark – directed at deserving targets – I am in heaven!
And guess what? One of my favorite books? “Like Water for chocolate” (counts as movie too) Let’s drink to sanity!
I and some of my FB friends joined The Cocoa Party this morning. Love it!
About a paragraph in, and I’m laughing like Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane.
As always, nice work Zombie.
#52 Clifford and #53 Zombie:
There actually was a functioning “Grassroots Party” not too many years ago: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grassroots_Party
IMPORTANT:
Someone tell the person who created the facebook “page” ASAP. That he created a facebook group and not a page. Facebook groups are limited to I think 3000 people!!! Before you start getting followers, change this ASAP. You want a page. Not a group.
Why all the links to the ‘Coffee Party’??
I would support the Cocoa Party were it not that all the people who’ve jumped in seem to be a bunch of marshmallows.
The Obamanation are peeved about the Tea Party movement because they thought that they totally like owned the whole concept of tea from ordering Chai at Starbucks™, when they weren’t ordering the double mocha vente with a twist. For coffee I prefer Dunkin Donuts. For tea I brew my own, often lapsang souchong or pu-erh. For cocoa I like to explore. Then again I like my coffee as I like my women, wrapped in Styrofoam and with a little stick in the middle.
Great minds think alike!
I’m tired of overblown rhetoric from the right and the left! How about meeting in the middle? How about having fun together? That’s what The Cocoa Party People are all about. http://ping.fm/LP3B3
Hershey or Nestle?