2014: The Year of the Below Average American

The year 2014 looks like it’s going to be a very busy time. It’s the “Year of Obama’s Reckoning.” It’s the “Year of the Resurgent Progressives.” It’s the “Year of Two Americas.” It’s the “Year of the Bible.” Futurist David Brin is wondering “What if the 21st Century begins in 2014“?

So 2014 has a lot to live up to. Naturally, I believe them all to be wrong. The year 2014 will actually be “The Year of the Below Average American.”

First of all, below average Americans never get any recognition so I thought it would be nice to acknowledge their non-contributions to American excellence. Secondly, below average Americans now appear to be in power — even though they’re largely too dumb to realize it. Calling them “low information voters” is an exaggeration. It’s much worse than that. If the only news you get comes from late night comic’s monologues or John Stewart, your below average comprehension means you fully deserve to have a below average president.

Now, the full import of Obama’s below averageness comes to the fore. Obamacare is getting off the ground and if there was ever a law designed for, designed by, implemented by, and ignored by below average Americans, this is it. Everything about it screams “below average”; below average affordability, below average deductibles, below average network availability, below average ease in understanding.

Of course, there are other reasons 2014 will be the Year of the Below Average American. They are playing the Super Bowl in New York City. In February. Who but a below average NFL front office would have chosen a city to host the Super Bowl with an average monthly high in February of 40 and a low of 24? It’s not even going to be in a dome for crying out loud. And since new Mayor Red Bill DeBlasio is making it his first order of business to forcibly retire that fine New York tourist attraction of horse drawn carriage rides around Central Park, just what is it that tourists coming into town for the big game are supposed to do?

Aside from taking a bus to the casinos of Atlantic City, nothing comes immediately to mind. Sure, New York has great museums, live theater, the vim, the verve, and all that jazz. But really, who’s going to be traipsing through the neighborhoods of the city, or taking in the sights of Times Square if it’s below freezing? The NFL better hope that Green Bay or some other northern city makes it to the big game or the stands are going to be half full and the city’s hotels half empty.

You know this year is going to be a year celebrating the non-entities in American life when Hollywood is remaking Robocop immediately after Detroit filed for bankruptcy. Nothing like life imitating art imitating life. And while we’re on the subject of Hollywood, what half witted below average studio executive had the bright idea of casting Russell Crowe as Noah? A Gladiator he may be. You could even envision him as a 19th century British naval captain. But Noah? Sheesh.

No doubt, we will find more examples of below average Americans to celebrate as the year progresses. After all, as E.J. Dionne informs us, progressives are “resurgent”:

More generally, the Democratic left is animated by the battle against growing inequality and declining social mobility — the idea, as Warren has said repeatedly, that “the system is rigged for powerful interests and against working families.” She and her allies are not anti-capitalist. Their goal is to reform the system so it spreads its benefits more widely. Warren has argued that everything she’s done on behalf of financial reform has, in fact, been designed to make markets work better.

The below average will always seek to drag the rest of us down to their level — intellectually, morally, economically — because they are too dumb to figure out how to lift themselves out of their own mediocrity. Those who look for equal outcomes based on the notion that equality can be decreed — sort of like ordering Obamacare to work despite its obvious unworkability — are finally going to have their day in the sun.

Unless they know who Icarus is, we’re in trouble.