Hollywood: Where fresh ideas go to die
The death of good ideas is the bad news. Here’s the good news, though: Stretch Armstrong and Magic 8 Ball will get the big-screen treatment!
For years now, the notoriously risk-averse Hollywood studios have been spending their money on the safest bets possible, big-budget projects and potential franchise properties that usually are based on a book, a video game, a toy or even an amusement park ride. It’s a trend that shows no signs of abatement, with Universal working to bring Stretch Armstrong to the screen, while Paramount develops a Magic 8 Ball movie among many other projects that have been co-opted from the toy aisle.
That Armstrong film sounds like it’s Oscar bound…
The film is produced by Brian Grazer. Grazer states “Stretch Armstrong is a character I have wanted to see on screen for a long time … It’s a story about a guy stretching … the limits of what is possible to become all that he can be.”
Stretch Armstrong is a story about a guy stretching. I never woulda guessed.
it is a smart idea, instead of developing toys from movies’ characters (as Walt Disney and George Lucas did so adeptly), to take a demonstrably successful toy and turn it into a movie character (which the Barbie films exemplify). I applaud the latest Hollywood toy-to-film story: Slinky.
Watch, with delight, as Slinky slinks downstairs, stretches, slinks downstairs, stretches, slinks down more stairs, is declared Pennsylvania’s official state toy, exposes all Republicans as war-mongering loons, demonstrates that Al Gore’s scientific credentials are beyond dispute and that global warming really does threaten all right-thinking toys, and slinks down even more stairs.
Hollywoodthink:
Stretch Armstrong being all that he can be: MOVIE!
Pat Tillman or Paul Ray Smith doing the same: *yawn*
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My prediction on the Magic 8-Ball movie: Outlook not so good.
Re:
>> My prediction on the Magic 8-Ball movie: Outlook not so good.
Poor, poor Anon, such a deprived child. My 8-Ball replied in response to such questions with “My sources say no”.
Habib -
You forgot the part about Slinky’s politically-correct sidekick, Whee-lo, and the love interest, Silly Putty.
Oops, I forgot that a young spring’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. I believe that the spring affair was not the first of either Slinky or Ms Putty: each was on the rebound.
No one should be surprised by this, but “Robot Chicken” already did the definitive Stretch Armstrong story. See, he was getting old, and his corn syrup filling had dried out. He just wasn’t as stretchy as he used to be. After a risky operation to replace the corn syrup, he returned home with strict orders to not do any stretching until the stitches healed… well, the story didn’t have a happy ending.
Next, a mystery film, starring Rubik’s Cube!
Thrill to the excitement! Can the puzzle be solved in fewer than two dozen moves though there are millions of possible moves?
Naturally, being a product of concerned Hollywood citizens, our hero must avoid being manipulated by evil Tea-Partiers before a posse of Sean Penn, Matt Damon and Janeane Garofalo can show our heroic cube how to replace the white, blue, orange, green, and yellow stickers with pink and red ones in order to be politically correct.
Actually, Cube has already been done–twice!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0123755/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0285492/
Don’t forget the children’s tales re-imagined by such auteurs as Tim Burton:
Tim Burton’s Pollyanna:
Pollyanna Whittier, a young orphan (played, of course, by Helena Bonham Carter) goes to live in Beldingsville, Vermont, with her wealthy but stern Aunt Polly (played, of course, by Helena Bonham Carter). Pollyanna has an insufferably optimistic attitude towards life, and promotes a game which consists of finding something heartwarming in every event. Though Aunt Polly puts Pollyanna in an escalating series of unpleasant situations, Pollyanna always finds some happy feature and thanks her aunt warmly.
In the small town live Mrs. Snow, a querulous invalid (played, of course, by Johnny Depp), and Mr. Pendleton, a rich but miserly bachelor, the town’s coroner and undertaker (played, of course, by Johnny Depp), who has many strange rooms in a mansion which is filled with a priceless collection of strange mediæval devices. Aunt Polly, Mrs. Snow and Mr. Pendleton appear to have dark secrets. We also learn that, for decades, the small town has had a reputation for strange disappearances, with rumours that corpses have sometimes been found bearing the unmistakable evidence of having undergone the most gruesome and grotesque tortures. Soon, Pollyanna will discover whether she can remain relentlessly cheerful whilst undergoing weird plastic surgery and amputations without anæsthetic …
Tim Burton’s Tale of Peter Rabbit:
Whilst Mrs Rabbit (played, of course, by Helena Bonham Carter) goes to the market, her son Peter Rabbit (played, of course, by Johnny Depp) wanders to Mr McGregor’s farm, where his father had been made into a pie. Peter feasts on Mr McGregor’s vegetables but falls asleep. When Peter wakes he finds that he is in a derelict basement, chained to a sink. It seems that Mr McGregor (played by Alan Rickman)is also known as “Jigsaw”…
In Tinseltown instant recognition of a title is everything. In other words, they have no faith in their ability to advertise a new concept.
Other boomer-toy-based movie ideas:
“Creepy Crawlers” – about a whiz kid who uses a Thingmaker and his electronic skills to make REALLY creepy crawlers
“Silly Putty” – a blob of pliable silicone comes to life, and finds meaning as a pratfall comedian
“Ring-a-Ding Dolls” – a new girl group which finds fame by marrying ska music with handbells
Ah yes, Hollywood, the Detroit of the entertainment industry. Ten years from now we’ll be seeing Web sites titled “The Ruins of Time Warner”.
Each time I read the phrase “The Detroit of X” it just makes me want to cry. That a great city could be brought so low…
Unfortunately, as in this case, the comparison is usually warranted. Hollywood self-destructed just like Detroit did.
I think this demonstrates that Hollywood has become so culturally disconnected from mainstream audiences that they no longer have any confidence in their ability to predict what audiences will and will not like. Instead, they try to recycle things people have already demonstrated that they like.
Most people in Hollywood, especially writers, have never lived out in the real world. They’ve never done anything significant outside the entertainment business. This lack of experiences causes the plots and characters they come up with to become increasingly fake and stereotype based. I mean, when is the last time you saw a realistic business person character?
Hollywood finds itself in the position of trying to write and produce for a market that is really a different culture. You really can’t do that and make it big.
While I have absolutely no doubt that its POSSIBLE to a create a funny, engaging, and novel 90 minute cinematic feature based in whole or in part on the “Stretch Armstrong” toy character (see “Toy Story”), at the same time I have absolutely no doubt that anything like this that emerges from Hollywood will be an absolute piece of dung.
The problem is that the risk-averse posture that doesn’t want to waste $65 million on a dud movie is simultaneously unable to permit the creative freedom that would allow such a movie to be good.
And note that old concepts or even remakes of old concepts don’t necessarily equate to “bad movies”. See the recent Coen Bros “True Grit” as one good example.
1. This report relates to Hollywood’s attitude toward copyright. If the Hollywood culture stifles new ideas, is it any wonder that it bridles at relinquishing the rights to films made seventy years ago?
2. The report seems inconsistent with Hollywood’s claim that prolonged copyright facilitates creativity. In fact, the opposite interpretation suggests itself.
I’m sorry, but I think a Creepy Crawlers film has potential, gimmick title or not. A kid whose seemingly harmless toy creates real monsters? Could be cool.
Oh, wait… Ray Bradbury already did that, or close to it.
#7
I don’t think its a question of Hollywood being unable to come up with or market new ideas, its a question of trying to control risks.
Movies are DAMN expensive to make, let alone market and distribute, and not only do many of them never recoup costs, many create huge losses.
So if you’re a producer and you want to make a big-budget film you have to persuade naturally recalcitrant investors that there is a good chance they’ll see a return on investment. That means creating a sales pitch that will appeal to them. Ditto for bringing top notch talent (directors, actors, even writers, etc) on board.
While you can do some of this with your reputation (if you’ve been around and successful for long enough to have established a positive one) for many this is a serious “chicken and egg” problem.
As stupid as something like “Stretch Armstrong” sounds, its still got a few things going for it:
-Name recognition. Not much, admittedly, but as they say in the business, there is no such thing as bad publicity, and anything is better than nothing.
-Its a fricking TOY. . .ie instant merchandising. That’s where a lot (and in some cases most) of the money is actually made. In addition to the actual toy itself, Stretch can appear on kiddie fast food merchandise, video games, etc.
Even if the movie itself is terrible, and even if the box office returns aren’t good, so long as it serves as an effective marketing vehicle to market merchandise to children (and lets face it, Stretch *is* a pretty cool toy!) it can recoup all its costs.
Know what else is coming up? A movie based on the board game Battleship. It has a budget of $200 million.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battleship_(film)
I think a Magic 8-ball movie is still going to be better than “Battleship”, based on the board game, where in order not to offend anyone, the Navy battle group’s enemy will be…alien invaders.
I am not making this up.
The “Erector Set” the Barbies get ravaged by mechanical monsters PG21 …..wait I think that one has been done.
Darn it, Armando!
In Soviet Tinselgrad: “Boris loves his Tractor” – or his “High Speed Rail” (oh wait, didn’t they just re-do that fast-train shtick?).
ouija-The Unknown
ouija- The Prequell
ouija-Next Question
ouija-The Final answer
Lawn Dart: The Movie
With a short film entitled “Firecrackers Go Bang”
Skipping Rope is a heart-warming plea for tolerance, and seeing the beauty in everybody, but also a scathing indictment of Proposition 8, Christianity and all forms of ugly bigotry and conservatism.
Lynette, formerly used by champion boxers in training, is a frayed rope, line around all day, recalling past glories, scared of being strung along by evil Christians, and depressed. She decides to hang herself (from a park bench) but meets the beautiful Linda, an activist, communal rope at school, who teaches schoolgirls that Sapphic love is beautiful, rewarding and, really, the only civilized way to love. Together they discover binding commitment, singing bright songs of love and self-esteem such as “Just Be Brave Enough to Dream and You’ll Get All You Desire”, “Homophobia Makes the World Sad”, “Girls and Teachers Are Made to Sixty-Nine”, “Love Is All You Need but Sometimes You Gotta Hate” and “The Skipping Circle of Life”, Lynette and Linda skip to the end, whipping the forces of reaction, and tie the knot on the steps of the Capitol Building to universal applause.
Hey, it’s not just about a guy stretching. He’s also got strong arms.
Wouldn’t this fall under the same category of those Lorne Michaels produced movies where they take what is a moderately amusing two minute Saturday Night Live sketch and try to draw it out into a 85-90 minute movie that people pay money see?
“Stretch Armstrong is a character I have wanted to see on screen for a long time.”
If Grazer was being sarcastic, then this is one damn funny statement.
I think it’s about time to dust off my dramatic treatment of “Hydraulic Pumps of the Third Reich”.
Boffo stuff indeed. So few people have looked at the incredible stock of Nazi industrial training films as candidates for remakes.
I could follow it up with a remake of Leni Riefenstahl’s famous “Deutsch Industrie Ladder Sicherheit”, not nearly so well known as Triumph of the Will, but a tribute to workers under stress to cut corners in the defense of the fatherland.