I Was an Israeli Spy

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In case you missed it, Newsweek has attempted to take itself off life support the last few days by publishing two articles alleging Israel has engaged in “rampant” spying on the United States. This is a grave matter with drastic international consequences that has touched my conscience deeply.

So I can hide it no longer. I have a confession to make: I was an Israeli spy.

Now some would say that the U.S. is spying on practically everyone from Angela Merkel to your mother-in-law, so what’s the big deal? But I wouldn’t know about that. I’m not Edward Snowden. And others would say that almost everybody spies on everybody else — at least if they can do it. But again. I wouldn’t know. That’s not my expertise. As I said, I was an Israeli spy.

But to clear the record, and perhaps to avoid a lifetime in prison, allow me to reveal some of the important information I passed on to my handlers in Tel Aviv. (See: I know Mossad headquarters are in Tel Aviv, not Jerusalem. You have to believe me.)

1. That the United States has a secretary of State who thinks Israel will become an “apartheid state” even though Arabs have vastly more civil rights in Israel than they have in any Arab country. Go figure.

2. That former UN ambassador Susan Rice was not telling the truth when she said the Benghazi incident was caused by a video. They asked me then why was she promoted to national security adviser. I said I didn’t know. (Actually, I think it’s to shut her up.)

3. I told them many Americans were worried they wouldn’t be able to keep their doctors. They told me they had plenty of doctors and started in with a lot of Jewish jokes that I had heard already.

4. I assured them that Hillary Clinton’s kissing Suha Arafat was not a homosexual act. It was an act of friendship and admiration. And that Anthony Weiner displaying his private parts on Twitter was not a reflection on all American Jews. Mel Brooks never did that.

5. Finally I told them to be especially careful about the American negotiation with Iran because Obama had failed at everything and would make a deal with the mullahs at any cost to save his reputation.

On this last one, they fired me. Tell us something we don’t know, they said with disdain and promptly confiscated my six passports.

So it goes. I told you I was an Israel spy — just as Newsweek was, once, a news magazine.