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Would You Want a Husband This Incompetent at Turning You On?

Any man dumb enough to ask his spouse for sex doesn't deserve it. She's your wife -- a real woman -- not your own private porn star.

by
Dave Swindle

Bio

July 21, 2014 - 12:30 pm
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There are plenty of Biblically-based books on the market for men serious about inspiring their wives to want to have more (and better!) sex.

Yesterday, Dr. Helen blogged about a viral story of a husband who compiled a spreadsheet of every time his wife turned down his requests for sex (24/27 over 7 weeks) and who responded by posting it on the internet: “Would You Want a Wife This Clueless About Sex and Your Emotions?“:

And she seriously wonders why the guy is mad? She has sex three times in seven weeks and he has probably been angry and boiling for some time before that. Why is she posting their problems on Reddit? She mentions his immature behavior; is hers any better? She says he wouldn’t talk to her about the chart etc., so maybe during this quiet time, she should stop and think about her behavior.

But more importantly, the husband should reflect on his marriage and ask himself a few questions. So far, there are no kids. If she lets her job interfere with her sex life, what about the kids? Will he have an eighteen year chart of excuses and pain? If kids are involved and he wants to get out of the marriage then, he is going to have a much harder time. Perhaps he simply needs some quiet time to reflect on what to do, whether this is going to work in the long run and why his wife would turn to strangers on the internet and post his chart on a Reddit site instead of sitting back and giving him some breathing room. This does not reflect well on how things will go for him in the future if they stay married.

What do you think?

I’m actually going to take the wife’s side in this dispute. I have absolutely ZERO SYMPATHY WHATSOEVER for this loser. Why?

Because it’s not a wife’s responsibility to be her husband’s happy whore, eagerly providing him with his orgasms on demand.

Dissatisfied husbands, want to know the secret to having sex with your wife whenever you want? It is not your wife’s responsibility to be ready to go on command, it’s YOUR responsibility to know your wife so well that you are capable of seducing her anytime. When you want to have sex with her you don’t ask her, you put her in the mood yourself. It’s really that simple: know you wife well enough so you can push the right buttons, say the right things, and create an environment where sex just naturally happens.

Unfortunately, that’s more work than most men are used to for getting orgasms. Twenty or thirty minutes of close attention, massage, and foreplay first? Taking the effort to really get to know your wife’s unique preferences and turn-ons? Learning how to read her moods? That’s effort — and energy.

Comments are closed.

Top Rated Comments   
I like this logic. Its not my responsibility to do nice things for my wife. Its her responsibility to figure what I need in order for me to do those nice things.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
Original:
"Dissatisfied husbands, want to know the secret to having sex with your wife whenever you want? It is not your wife’s responsibility to be ready to go on command, it’s YOUR responsibility to know your wife so well that you are capable of seducing her anytime. When you want to have sex with her you don’t ask her, you put her in the mood yourself. It’s really that simple: know you wife well enough so you can push the right buttons, say the right things, and create an environment where sex just naturally happens." - Dave Swindle

Wife and husband reversed:
Dissatisfied wives, want to know the secret to having sex with your husband whenever you want? It is not your husband’s responsibility to be ready to go on command, it’s YOUR responsibility to know your husband so well that you are capable of seducing him anytime. When you want to have sex with him you don’t ask him, you put him in the mood yourself. It’s really that simple: know you husband well enough so you can push the right buttons, say the right things, and create an environment where sex just naturally happens.

Really, Dave, would you ever have written that?

If not, you're sexist.

Or an idiot.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
The secret to marriage is smiple: be nice to each other.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (61)
All Comments   (61)
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Above all, thank you, Dave Swindle. You are wise beyond your years. I hope you have many years of married happiness (but be warned, the passion that begins a marriage is not what sustains it, and inevitably fades and needs something deeper... I suspect you know that).
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
Thank you so much for your encouragement and great thinking Marty!
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
You stupid little child. You've been married, what, 5 years?

Come talk to me when you've been married 18 years, assuming you make it that long. You disgust me.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Clearly you haven't been in a really rough or even real marriage. If men would just "man up," everything would be ok! Yeah, right.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Thank you, thank you, Dave Swindle. I was very disturbed by reading the earlier post that led to this discussion, and disturbed by all the misogyny expressed in the comments. A lot of woman-hating out there. You've restored my hope again.

I wondered when that man had made 27 "attempts" (or whatever the number was) – what, exactly, the "attempts" consisted of. Going and asking point blank: "Hey, I want sex"? A written application? Presumably he doesn't want her to just lie down and provide a hole. Presumably he wants her involvement. Your point is well taken that it has to be about more than the Big O.

I mean, it's not like giving a cup of water to a thirsty man. If it were, you could just give a cup of water without any further involvement. It would be cruel to withhold. But this is supposed to be a human transaction. Not a demand on a check-off list. It's something they are supposed to do *together,* with a certain amount of time and intensity and mutual pleasure.

I knew a man who "attempted" sex after he'd been angry and yelling and chewing his wife out all day. Then, after she'd gone to bed thinking, "At least we got through the day. He's asleep. Tomorrow is another day." THEN, he'd reach for her. THEN, he'd expect her to be all hot for him, when she'd hoped, in vain, that the day was over. He'd spent a day "warming her up" for intimacy, right?

I really think most men nowadays are much better suited to porn. It demands nothing, they can summon up like a genie whatever kind of woman they want, and she's turned on and waiting onscreen. This serves the additional benefit of *no pregnancy risk,* which suits them better, and also serves society, since they won't reproduce more people like themselves. Win-win.

After all you've written, one of your commenters said this: "While it's romantic to think that if he just dedicates himself to arousing her for a half hour that he'll get what he wants I'm not entirely convinced...." It's still "get what he wants." There's still a clock on it – how much time he has to invest to get the Big O. He still wants to nail the Big O. It is something *she* is doing for *him,* and to *him.* Would it be okay then if she just lies down and provides a hole for him to do it? Would that be an acceptable level of involvement? Is that all he wants? Should she just give him a hand job and get it over with? Would that be enough?

On the earlier thread, there were nasty remarks about brides smiling because they know they've given their last BJ. So what you really want her to do is submit to an act she doesn't like? That may give her no pleasure? Why don't you, for practice, shove something (often smelly) down your throats and see if that's pleasurable for you. True love, guys, true love. (And in the first few years, let's face it, we'll do anything thing sexually for each other – but the craziness of new love is not the food that lasts more than a year or two.)

Incidentally, I remember reading of a man considered a sex fiend a century ago because he wanted sex once a month. How much sex we "get" changes from society to society, and individual to individual. Many people who have spent years with a cancer-ridden or otherwise ailing spouse and would be delighted to have *any* sex again. Many women whose husbands are serving abroad as soldiers would be happy to have sex twice a year. Many old people would like sex, but no longer have spouses. Maybe they have to live with it. Where does the sense of entitlement come from, and who determines it.

What kind of a people have we become?

(I also wondered in the marriage described in the earlier post ... does he have a job? Is she the sole provider?)
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
Good response. If men just want the "O"....head to the shower with your bar of soap ! Phrases like 'put out' diminish both partners as well as sexual intercourse....(note the 'inter' part of that word ) . Also the knock on brides could equally be used about grooms....how many grooms think "ok, no more flowers/cuddles...I've got my woman". I really discount both the bride/groom scenarios. Sexual intercourse has lots of variations......sometimes it's a quick snack....sometimes a long luxurious buffet...sometimes filled with laughter...other times with a quiet intensity that says "I need and love you beyond all reckoning". Both partners benefit when time and affection in getting to know the other's preferences is a priority. NOTHING turns my husband on more than telling him WHY I love him.....telling him how his goodness and kindness touch me. (Of course if I'm nibbling on his neck while I tell him, it's always a plus :) My advice to younger couples is have sexual intercourse even more than you think you want it because age makes it more challenging to be sure ! Married 47 years and wishing that my husband still had the strength of his 30 yo self ....as we both would be smiling even more !
11 weeks ago
11 weeks ago Link To Comment
So noting that the modern world tries to put all the blame on the husband and no responsibility on the wife is hating women? You may want to read up a bit more. You are clearly lacking in your education.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Dave: Do you have any empathy for men at all at your age, or are they still only competitors to be vanquished by you (all losers - except for you)?

Ya know, as a child, I laughed at poor people because I was going to be a hockey star in the NHL, in fact a hockey great, and I knew it. I laughed at poor people and homeless people and handicapped people. Because I was going to be the big star. Even though dad was paying for everything, and I had no clue about life.

And you are a loser right now - with a stupid English degree from David Letterman's college (the only thing it's famous for) - and a stupid job and a stupid wife. But you KNOW, deep down inside you, that you are meant to be a STAR in life. You are going to become that star in contrast to all the other loser men who just have stupid degrees from stupid colleges and stupid jobs and stupid wives.

You are different.

And that's why you have no empathy for other men. Who are losers.

Grow up, Dave.

Edited to add: No, I got taken out of hockey at around 19 - best was JV at a hockey college. At least I'm a fairly successful lawyer, now, Dave. Just like you are going to be something great someday and you would bristle if I called you a loser.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
I like this logic. Its not my responsibility to do nice things for my wife. Its her responsibility to figure what I need in order for me to do those nice things.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
Yup. I don't think Dave Swindle gets it. Or will get it.

Assuming you're being sarcastic (maybe I shouldn't assume).
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
It is not a man's responsibility to provide for his family, it is a wife's responsibility to make sure he wants to provide. Right? /sarc
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
I do not profess to be a Christian.

Then the proper thing to do is to refrain from passing judgment on Christians, or offering up your unsolicited interpretations of their religious texts. It's narcissistic and insulting.

Me: Born a Mormon, practicing Atheist.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
Why did you crop out just that one sentence from my much longer comment? Their religious text is my religious text too. I worship the God of Israel, have faith that Jesus rose from the dead, and believe the Bible is the most divinely inspired human work of all time. I just read it differently. I don't weigh Paul's letters as more significant than the Torah, as many Christians like Mark v choose to. And I don't practice Christian rituals or belong to a church. I find it "narcissistic and insulting" to be told by anonymous commenters that I should refrain from writing about the Bible just because I disagree with some people's theological interpretations of it.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
Thank you. On several levels.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
Yep. Women should have options and men should have obligations. Women should have rights, men should have responsibilities. Welcome to the American Feminazi Police State.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
Original:
"Dissatisfied husbands, want to know the secret to having sex with your wife whenever you want? It is not your wife’s responsibility to be ready to go on command, it’s YOUR responsibility to know your wife so well that you are capable of seducing her anytime. When you want to have sex with her you don’t ask her, you put her in the mood yourself. It’s really that simple: know you wife well enough so you can push the right buttons, say the right things, and create an environment where sex just naturally happens." - Dave Swindle

Wife and husband reversed:
Dissatisfied wives, want to know the secret to having sex with your husband whenever you want? It is not your husband’s responsibility to be ready to go on command, it’s YOUR responsibility to know your husband so well that you are capable of seducing him anytime. When you want to have sex with him you don’t ask him, you put him in the mood yourself. It’s really that simple: know you husband well enough so you can push the right buttons, say the right things, and create an environment where sex just naturally happens.

Really, Dave, would you ever have written that?

If not, you're sexist.

Or an idiot.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
I think "idiot" fits better.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
I don't think he's a sexist.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
Yes, I would have written that if the genders were switched and if it was the wife who was unable to figure out how to seduce her own husband.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
I really doubt it. You show a strong need to put women up on a pedestal.

Swell guy that you are and all.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
Now you're arguing something different. Before, you were in essence arguing that you don't afford women a different status because you would also write the same thing with genders reversed.

Now you are arguing (I don't care if it is true or not) that women put men up on a pedestal the same as men do women.

You don't seem to be able to think very clearly or stay on topic for being an in-your-face, dare-I-say-famous writer.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
No, that's not what I'm arguing. You're missing the forest for the trees. The point that I'm making is bigger than that -- it's that both husband and wife should have a religious attitude toward marriage instead of a secular one.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
And how can the husband's attitude make the wife have that attitude? Oh, right. You forgot to talk about that part.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Then you can't think clearly. That paragraph would have gotten you fired from most publications in the country. And you know it. Smarten up.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
He doesn't know it. He won't.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
I don't write for "most publications in the country" and much of what I write and edit at PJ on all sorts of subjects would do that. I wouldn't have gotten fired for writing that for PJ. My position isn't as ridiculous as people want to make it out to be. If either spouse wants sex they should seduce their spouse instead of demand that they "get in the mood" on their own. What's so outlandish about that?
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
I'll grant you that PJ is more enlightened than many. This is true. What's not true, however, is that your paragraph, either the way you wrote it, or the other way on, is acceptable. Another commenter here said "The secret to marriage is smiple: be nice to each other". That's the right answer, and you only came up with half of it. Many of us are tired of being portrayed as the wrong half.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
True indeed.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
You're a true chivalrous hero to all the little ladies, Dave.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
One of the previous commenters said it best, you have to be nice to each other. If you love someone, you are supposed to be nice to them, although that is not often the case.

I had a wife who would deny me sex, but in all fairness, our relationship was a mess.

In almost every other relationship in my life that I have attached value to, I have always done things with the person, not to the person.

When you are both on the same side, that's when it works. You don't have to ask, because you are both there, together as a team.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
The secret to marriage is smiple: be nice to each other.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
The gospel according to Oprah.

What happens if one party doesn't follow that plan?
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Bingo as well.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
And you made me snort all over my computer. They want it to seem all different and mysterious, but you nailed it. Be nice to each other.
13 weeks ago
13 weeks ago Link To Comment
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