So this is a thing that happened in Portland:
The last thing the woman from Northeast Portland probably expected when she got up Tuesday morning was that she would be attacked by a sword-wielding elf.
But that’s what happened around 7 a.m. as she drove her red BMW by the intersection of Southeast 7th and Morrison.
A man dressed in chain-mail with a helmet, shield and carrying a sword and staff ran into traffic and started attacking her car.
She called 911, reporting that “a pirate” was attacking her car.
When police got there, they detained Konrad Bass of Glendale, Oregon.
Bass told officers that he wasn’t a pirate but a “high-elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth.”
Bass told police that he had taken LSD, which comes as a shock to exactly nobody.