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by
Stephen Green

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May 21, 2014 - 10:15 am

MORGOTH THE CARJACKER

So this is a thing that happened in Portland:

The last thing the woman from Northeast Portland probably expected when she got up Tuesday morning was that she would be attacked by a sword-wielding elf.

But that’s what happened around 7 a.m. as she drove her red BMW by the intersection of Southeast 7th and Morrison.

A man dressed in chain-mail with a helmet, shield and carrying a sword and staff ran into traffic and started attacking her car.

She called 911, reporting that “a pirate” was attacking her car.

When police got there, they detained Konrad Bass of Glendale, Oregon.

Bass told officers that he wasn’t a pirate but a “high-elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth.”

Bass told police that he had taken LSD, which comes as a shock to exactly nobody.

****

Cross-posted from Vodkapundit

Stephen Green began blogging at VodkaPundit.com in early 2002, and has served as PJMedia's Denver editor since 2008. He's one of the hosts on PJTV, and one-third of PJTV's Trifecta team with Scott Ott and Bill Whittle. Steve lives with his wife and sons in the hills and woods of Monument, Colorado, where he enjoys the occasional lovely adult beverage.

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Top Rated Comments   
You have to know how to fight your opponent. Someone I knew was filling up his new car with gas at a convenience store when a "street elf" approached him and asked for five dollars. The owner said to forget it, at which point the "elf" produced a set of keys and laid them against the side of the vehicle.

"Hey, man" the Elf said " If you don't want your paint job screwed up you better give me five dollars."

The car owner whipped the gas hose and turned it on the little Elf, dousing him with gasoline. With his other hand the car owner whipped out his cigarette lighter and screamed "I'm gonna light you up MOTHERFUC*ER"

At that point the little Elf departed into the night, screaming. Not on fire, oh no, he had left before that could ever happen.

You just have to know how to deal with these supernatural creatures.

26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
An acquaintance, who is a Lutheran minister, a long-time Prius owner and self styled "progressive", was droning on about the need for conservatives to embrace "personal growth".

I had had enough and I stated that he was indeed right and that I myself used to be a self-righteous bastard, but all that had changed in an instant. He asked me what I had done to change. I stated "I sold my Prius".

26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
It's like the hippies alway say: Chainmail, THEN acid.
27 weeks ago
27 weeks ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (27)
All Comments   (27)
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Man, I hate it when elves, high on acid, mistake me for Morgoth. It always causes problems.
26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
Stupid elf. Beat on the black horse, ignore the Nazgul.

I really, really would love to hear her conversation with the insurance agent. "Well you see, there was this elf in chain-mail..."
26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
The BMW salesmen told me to avoid the red BMW due to its resemblance to Morgoth. Thank god I listened. That could have been me.
26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
I suppose I've had a less-exciting life. The most interesting trip I've ever had was seeing Geddy Lee turn into a crow and fly across the concert hall.
26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
"And there, seated in his trusty steed, a tricked-out black Humvee, Morgoth let out a cruel laugh."
26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
So Red BMWs look like the Evil Morgoth?

I suppose it explains a lot about behavior on the road.
26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
Has Morgoth hurt anyone in Portland? Ever? No? Then I'd say we owe this gentleman our thanks, and really ought to stop snickering.
26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
Acid alone may not explain Mr Bass's actions.


I would submit that the radical environmentalists' demonization of cars especially high end cars planted the ideal in his head. It took LSD to reduce his capacity for reasoning that allowed him to act on the propaganda.
26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
You have to know how to fight your opponent. Someone I knew was filling up his new car with gas at a convenience store when a "street elf" approached him and asked for five dollars. The owner said to forget it, at which point the "elf" produced a set of keys and laid them against the side of the vehicle.

"Hey, man" the Elf said " If you don't want your paint job screwed up you better give me five dollars."

The car owner whipped the gas hose and turned it on the little Elf, dousing him with gasoline. With his other hand the car owner whipped out his cigarette lighter and screamed "I'm gonna light you up MOTHERFUC*ER"

At that point the little Elf departed into the night, screaming. Not on fire, oh no, he had left before that could ever happen.

You just have to know how to deal with these supernatural creatures.

26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
What a lovely story, it even made my unicorn smirk.
26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
When fighting a hopeless battle never bother with an elf-warrior. Send for a man: "Then he cast aside his shield, and wielded an axe two-handed; and it is sung that the axe smoked in the black blood of the troll-guard of Gothmog until it withered, and each time that he slew Hurin cried 'Aure entuluva! Day shall come again!"
26 weeks ago
26 weeks ago Link To Comment
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