Since I read and reviewed Finding Mr. Righteous last week, I’ve had the privilege of developing a friendship with the author, Lisa De Pasquale. I’ve been asking her questions about the book as well as her views on relationships and faith.
Chris Queen: Where did the idea for Finding Mr. Righteous originate?
Lisa De Pasquale: One Saturday I was crafting an email in my head to reach out to one of the guys in the book about some religious questions. The questions were real, but I wasn’t sure if they were coming from an honest place. Was I using a man to get religion or using religion to get a man? Then the title, “Finding Mr. Righteous,” came to me. I went to my computer to see if the title had been used before. It hadn’t! Even www.findingmrrighteous.com was available! I bought it and started making a few quick notes, which later became an outline, in my iPhone.
CQ: How did you develop the idea of telling the parallel stories of your romantic relationships and your faith journey?
LD: I wanted to write a book that all women – not just Christians or conservatives – would read. I thought the best way to do that would be through a chicklit-type book about dating. I went into the book with a loose outline, but a lot of the experiences in the book were happening in real time. There were at least three men in the book I had no intention of including or didn’t know at the time I started the book. I thank God for wrapping this story up in a nice bow. When I started writing the book I didn’t know how it would end. It was more poignant than I ever could have imagined!
CQ: How nervous were you at the thought of baring your soul and the details of some of your relationships?
LD: There were some moments when I thought “Should I really repeat some of these things?” but ultimately I thought the message was important enough to put it out there. I also thought that the only way I could truly connect with other women is by being completely honest about my ups and downs. I couldn’t tell a true redemption story without discussing my sins. I started the book with a quote from St. Francis of Assisi that my friend Liz Neaton posted on Facebook one day. I think it gave me armor for telling my story. He said, “I have been all things unholy. If God can work through me, He can work through anyone.”
CQ: Did you ever reach a point in writing where you thought, “Am I telling too much?”
LD: Oh, definitely. There was some language I took out because I wanted the Christian audience to be open to it. I didn’t want the message to get overshadowed by the “racy” (as Ann Coulter called it) details. It’s definitely still racy, but I didn’t want to overdo it and lose a potential audience. As far as telling too much about myself, I did second-guess myself a couple times. Interestingly, the things I thought would be most embarrassing didn’t seem like a big deal to some friends who read early copies. I won’t tell you what those things were though because I don’t want to call attention to them!
CQ: Are you still friends with any of the boyfriends from the book? What do they think?
LD: Yes, a couple of them. Of course, I didn’t date every guy in the book, so that helps! I haven’t really talked to any of them at length about the book.
CQ: Are there any stories that didn’t make the book that you care to share?
LD: Since I was using my romantic and platonic relationships to tell the story of my religious journey, there were some stories (good and bad) that I didn’t include because it didn’t necessarily contribute to the overall narrative. There were also things like nicknames that I wanted to keep private. I didn’t intend to write a tell-all about anyone else but myself. I think I probably could have elaborated more on Joe the Catholic. We’re actually very good friends now.
CQ: What reactions are you getting from readers? What’s the strangest thing you’ve heard from someone who has read the book?
LD: It’s been mostly positive. I think some people were shocked by my honesty, but were appreciative of it because they can identify with it, particularly insecurities and the pitfalls and nuances of modern-day dating. One of the stories women tell me is so true is the tendency for guys in D.C. to not actually ask women out on a date. Instead, they forward an email to a happy hour or, as Ann Coulter has said, trick you into asking them out with phrases like “We should do something some time” or “Call me when you’re in town.”
CQ: Why do you think men in D.C. (and modern men in general) are so tentative about asking women out?
LD: I don’t know if it’s because they’re tentative or if it’s because they just don’t have to ask. I suppose it depends on the guy. There’s fear of rejection, but there’s also just laziness. Ann Coulter made a great point about this phenomenon in an article she wrote for George magazine, coincidentally the exact month and year I came to DC. She wrote:
So everyone [in DC] is home watching TV all the time. Like many New Yorkers, I never had a TV, but I got one when I moved to Washington. The peculiar thing about watching TV after a long lapse is that you are actually aware of TV changing your perception of reality. I’ve started subconsciously associating men of the cloth with murderous Nazi conspiracies, for example. I’ve got a million more television-induced perception shifts, but the relevant one here is that females are invariably the sexual aggressors on TV. The typical romantic overture on the small screen is boy meets girl, girl drops dress.
Unfortunately, a lot of the perceptions on TV have become reality. (See: Cow, Milk for Free.) Basically, many men act the way they do because many women don’t expect or ask for better. To find your “Mr. Righteous” it helps to be the “Miss Righteous” he deserves.
CQ: How universal do you think your story is? In what ways do you think both men and women will respond to the book?
LD: I think it’s universal in that we all have insecurities and moments when we wish we were stronger or didn’t spend time and energy on a person who wasn’t good for them. I think women will identify with some of the insecurities and frustrations I’ve had. For men, some may identify their own behavior or, better yet, realize there are good girls out there who want them to come forward.
CQ: How have your views on relationships changed as a result of your experiences?
LD: I hope to be more intentional in my relationships and not put energy into people who don’t care about me. I think that’s something a lot of women struggle with in modern-day dating. It’s now so easy to feel connected via text or even phone and be oblivious to how little effort it takes. Girls can spend hours deciphering the meaning of a “;)” while ignoring how little effort and thought went into a guy texting it. It’s silly and not healthy for creating lasting relationships. You also miss some of the nice, good guys when you’re focused on the ones who don’t deserve your attention.
CQ: Looking back, what are the lessons you’ve learned that you appreciate the most?
LD: The lesson I appreciate the most is that there is more heartache in prolonging bad or healthy relationships than there is being alone. Some things will always be a struggle, so it’s a lesson I have to remember every day. There’s a phrase on one of my walls that says “With God All Things Are Possible.” I used to think the important part was “all things are possible.” Now when I look at it I remember the most important part is “With God.”
CQ: What do you want readers to walk away from Finding Mr. Righteous with?
LD: For female readers, I want them to think about the type of guy they want and be the girl who would attract him. For my male readers, I just want them to ask me out on a date. Just kidding, I think male readers will benefit from getting inside my head and maybe thinking twice before acting in less than righteous ways. So, basically, the same message for both men and women!
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