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by
Rick Moran

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February 26, 2013 - 8:17 am

John Hawkins penned an article for PJ Media advancing the notion that cats are inferior to dogs “in every way.” He gave five reasons trying to prove this theory — tried and failed. In fact, though Hawkins’ entertaining article was written largely tongue-in-cheek, the underlying bias against cats came through loud and clear.

We cat lovers are used to this. Forget everything you know about race, ethnicity, religion, ideology, or political affiliation. The great schism in humanity is between those who love cats and those who don’t, and it’s been that way going on 5,000 years.

I suspect John really doesn’t hate cats. If he does, it’s because cats don’t like him very much. Felines have an unerring ability to size humans up and decide if they can be properly enslaved to do their bidding. In short, unlike with dogs, humans don’t choose cats. Cats choose them. Dogs have absolutely no dignity or discernment when it comes to giving their love and loyalty. Anyone who feeds them, pats them on the head, or, best yet, throws a stick that they can mindlessly fetch earns their ceaseless — and boring — adoration.

It’s been this way for tens of thousands of years. Genetically speaking, dogs are failed wolves. It is probable that the first wolves domesticated by man were Omega wolves — the lowest-ranking wolf in the pack — that hung around human campfires hoping to get a few scraps of food. The Omegas were kicked around by their own pack and this complex carried forward through the ages so that a dog today will do anything to please its master.

Not so, cats. From the cat’s point of view, it is we that should do anything to please them. Do they turn their nose up at the food we put in front of them? Try a different dinner, stupid human.

Busy and don’t want to be bothered petting them? Try ignoring a cat determined to have you pay attention to him. If you do, he is likely to deliberately knock over that glass of soda on your desk right on to your keyboard. Those who think it an accident are delusional.

As for Hawkins’ 5 ways that cats are inferior to dogs, I will make short work of his thesis.

1) Dogs are much smarter than cats.

Scientific studies prove that dogs are smarter than cats. But this is silly. There isn’t a scientific study that has been devised that can hold a cat’s attention for more than two minutes. Any test a dog can pass, a cat has no use for. It’s like asking an MIT grad to take the same math test as a second grader.

Besides, cats have a vested interest in keeping their superior intellect hidden from humans. The absolute worst thing that could happen to cats would be if we started to take them for granted.

2) Your dog loves you. Your cat couldn’t care less if you were murdered by clowns.

What appears to a dog lover as indifference is actually a sign of a cat’s psychological health. Dogs have massive insecurities and feel they must constantly demonstrate their love. Cats are totally secure in the knowledge that they have you by the short hairs, so to speak, and feel absolutely no need to give any outward manifestation of their affection. They believe it says volumes that they allow you to exist in almost the same space as they do, although not on the same plane of the universe.

3) Dogs are better pets.

John’s reasoning needs to be revealed:

Dogs have spent thousands of years earning the title “man’s best friend” while cats spent that time perfecting the art of spitting up hairballs. Your dog would rather sleep outside on the ground with you than inside a warm, comfortable house. Your cat is kind of hoping you’ll die so he can eat you. Dogs use the bathroom outside. Cats stink up your house by insisting on using a litter box. Dogs are renowned for their loyalty. Cats are mainly known for murdering small animals and dropping them in front of their owners in an attempt to horrify and intimidate them.

Cats spit up hairballs because they are smart enough to clean themselves. Oh, they’ll allow you to brush them when they are of a mind to sit still long enough. But this is a bonding exercise — they really don’t need it.

And what are you doing sleeping outside on the cold ground, John? This is a sign of intelligence? Cats — and their masters — know better to come in out of the cold and sleep in a warm bed.

And those small animals murdered by cats carry disease and pestilence. In the Middle Ages when Europe carried out felinicide and nearly wiped out the cat population, the black plague — a disease borne by fleas carried by rats — killed 75% of humans on the continent. Needless to say, a healthy population of urban cats would have nipped the plague in the bud.

Do dogs have the capability of saving humanity?

4) Dogs are happy and fun while cats are generally annoying.

There is no animal on planet earth more attuned to humans than cats. Because of this, they sense immediately whether you approve of them or not. If you are scared of them, they make it a point to jump on your lap and look at you with that baleful predator stare. If you find them annoying, you are likely to get the “figure 8″ treatment. This is when you are walking into another room and the cat moves effortlessly between your legs, making figure eights, back and forth, hoping you will trip over your own feet and go crashing to the floor. It amuses them to know that they annoy you and can actually turn your annoyance to rage.

Don’t mess with cats, man. They’ll make you sorry you ever met them.

5) Cats would murder you if they could.

“Murder” is a little strong. Yes, it’s true that when you catch a cat sitting in the middle of the room and staring at you he is thinking only one thing — lunch. But this is part of the cat’s charm. They aren’t thinking of attacking and killing you. They are mulling over their options on how best to manipulate you to get you to do their bidding. A well-modulated “meow,” a perfectly timed leap into your lap, or the strategic headbutt usually work equally well in tugging at our heartstrings and getting us to do our master’s bidding.

I have been kept by cats for more than 40 years and rejoice in my slavery. Once you recognize the cat’s superiority to humans — and dogs — you gladly allow yourself to be captured by them. It is a privilege to be enslaved by a beast whose ineffable qualities give us such pleasure, and whose aloofness and other-worldliness delight and mystify us.

Did I mention I love dogs too?

Rick Moran is PJ Media's Chicago editor and Blog editor at The American Thinker. He is also host of the"RINO Hour of Power" on Blog Talk Radio. His own blog is Right Wing Nut House.

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Top Rated Comments   
All you cat haters out there: you clearly don't know anything about cats. I have had cats for 40 years, and I know from experience they are loyal, affectionate, beautiful, intelligent, and CLEAN. I have also had dogs, but just never could really get into them because they smell horrible and they have a number of disgusting habits, including sniffing crotches and slobbering all over everything and everyone. Cats are graceful, quiet, sophisticated. They are loving. They are appreciative of those worthy of appreciation. They are the perfect pet, by any measure.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I had a dog for 12 years and 2 cats for fourteen years. My first cat, who I named Desperado, mostly called "cat" and my son renamed Joe, was more of a partner than a superior.

He was big, almost 20 pounds, with a thick neck, blue eyes and all white fur. He looked something like a white tiger, and he moved with grace, power and authority.

Me protected me. When visitors came to the house, he would stake out the high ground on the stairs or on top of furniture -- and then, he would watch my guests. If one made a movement toward me that he considered aggressive, he would jump them -- usually resulting in blood spilled and feelings bruised.

My ex-wife, once tried to shoot me with my own gun. Big mistake, he jumped her and bit off a piece of her ear. It's still noticeable today, 20 years later.

He would come when I called him and would often just sit close to me and stare at me for hours.

He was an accomplished voyeur, often sitting on top of the bigger wardrobe in my bedroom and watching when I had visitors. Remarkably, he never mistook any actions as aggression.

That cat loved me. and I loved him -- so much so I cannot ever replace him and choose to remain catless for the rest of my days.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (24)
All Comments   (24)
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John forgot to mention that "dog" spelled backwards is "God." And Kurt Vonnegut once wrote a story where dogs were geniuses, and had manipulated humans into taking care of them. Just like cats. But one dog started to speak to his slave (i can't remember why), and gave him a stock tip that set him up for life. Unfortunately, his fellow dogs overheard him speaking to his human, and ripped him to shreds, killing him. Which just goes to prove, dogs and cats could have made us all rich this whole time, but refuse to. They prefer we work to support them, because they are lazy. Oh. And one time I had cat that was fascinated by the toilet. Until it accidentally fell in, and I had to rinse it off in the sink, because at the time I was in a "blue water" phase. When the blue water phase was over, I went back to keeping the lid up. But the cat never went near the toilet again. Years later, my dog died because my wife is color blind. At least that's what she told me.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Dogs look up to you.
Cats look down on you.
Pigs are equal.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Cats are works of art, whether sleeping, leaping or scheming. Utilitarian evaluations are crass philistinism.

So what if liberals favor cats a pets? They should be congratulated. No human has ever found a use for a liberal.

If utility must be considered, I point out that the mightiest predator on record is the feline defender of the Glenturret Distillery, who assassinated almost 30,000 rodents in defense of a first-class single malt scotch.
.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Benedict XVI, now the retired Pope, is famously known as a fan of felines. http://thecatholiccommentator.org/pages/?p=1190
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
All you cat haters out there: you clearly don't know anything about cats. I have had cats for 40 years, and I know from experience they are loyal, affectionate, beautiful, intelligent, and CLEAN. I have also had dogs, but just never could really get into them because they smell horrible and they have a number of disgusting habits, including sniffing crotches and slobbering all over everything and everyone. Cats are graceful, quiet, sophisticated. They are loving. They are appreciative of those worthy of appreciation. They are the perfect pet, by any measure.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
The instant you wash a dog, he looks for something nasty smelling to roll himself in, such as road kill. It's as though they can't stand to be clean!
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
On the subject of stinky, slobbering dogs: It depends on the breed. I have a Jack Russel/Papillon mix who never has odor problems unless she happens to roll in something. She can go months between baths, as she imparts absolutely no smell & leaves no odor on your hands after petting her. My other Jack Russel mix needs very few baths. I have yet another mix (inherited her) who needs regular baths as she is fettered with the typical "doggy" smell. The habit of slobbering, AFAICT, is limited to the larger breeds.

I do agree with your assessment of most cats. I have seen though my share of stand-offish, aloof & mean-spirited cats.

I am always accompanied by both cats & dogs, as I am quite fond of both.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Fact is ... cats suck.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Bzzzt, wrong. Cats can't suck.

Kittens lose the sucking reflex after they're weaned. Adult cats lap liquids. That's why you don't put a soda straw in a cat's water bowl.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
There seems to be a sudden influx of puff pieces like this one on PJMedia. I don't much care for it... I'm down to VDH and Belmont Club, for the most part.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
It's in the Lifestyle section, so yeah. For red meat go to the Tatler or PJTV
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Cats are good for only one thing - killing mice. I spent 2 years in Columbus attending OSU living in older off-campus apartments. My first year, I rented a room from a couple with 3 cats. I never once saw anything grey little and furry running across the room. Year 2's apartment was a mouse rodeo. According to a work colleague, the best rodent control is bringing a formerly stray and feral cat to live in your basement or garage for a few days.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Cats are wonderful companions. A purring cat in your lap is better than any tranquilizer.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I had a dog for 12 years and 2 cats for fourteen years. My first cat, who I named Desperado, mostly called "cat" and my son renamed Joe, was more of a partner than a superior.

He was big, almost 20 pounds, with a thick neck, blue eyes and all white fur. He looked something like a white tiger, and he moved with grace, power and authority.

Me protected me. When visitors came to the house, he would stake out the high ground on the stairs or on top of furniture -- and then, he would watch my guests. If one made a movement toward me that he considered aggressive, he would jump them -- usually resulting in blood spilled and feelings bruised.

My ex-wife, once tried to shoot me with my own gun. Big mistake, he jumped her and bit off a piece of her ear. It's still noticeable today, 20 years later.

He would come when I called him and would often just sit close to me and stare at me for hours.

He was an accomplished voyeur, often sitting on top of the bigger wardrobe in my bedroom and watching when I had visitors. Remarkably, he never mistook any actions as aggression.

That cat loved me. and I loved him -- so much so I cannot ever replace him and choose to remain catless for the rest of my days.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Actually, if we were smaller and our cats were bigger THEY WOULD EAT US! Or maybe just kill us for fun.
That said, I still love my cats.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
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