How Does a Childhood Divorce Affect Adult Relationships Decades Later?
From Ari:
It’s not a therapeutic book. It’s a sociology book on children of divorce, when they are grown. If you were a child of a divorce, it mostly reads like the horror story of the babysitter with the call coming from “….inside the house!” If you’re married, it’ll give you that, so I’m not alone feeling.
The review from Amazon:
During the last 40 years, our society’s views on how families are created and how they operate has undergone a tremendous shift. In The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, authors Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee have assembled a variety of stories from people of different ages and life stages. Some are children of divorce, some are from families that stayed unhappily intact, but all of them offer valuable information important to all of us as parents, children, and members of society at large. Separate chapters focus on the different roles children take on in the event of a divorce or unhappy marriage, ranging from positive role model to deeply troubled adolescent. In many cases, the people interviewed continue to define themselves as children of divorce up to 30 years after the occurrence; this is described by one subject as “sort of a permanent identity, like being adopted or something.”
Both encouraging and thought-provoking, the final chapter questions how we maintain the freedom made possible by divorce while, at the same time, minimizing the damage. The authors’ response to this question begins with pragmatic suggestions about strengthening marriage–not bland “family values” rhetoric but practical how-to ideas combined with national policy initiatives that have been making the rounds for years. With fascinating stories and statistics, Wasserstein, Lewis, and Blakeslee have illuminated the improvements within reach while our society experiences these massive changes in it’s most fundamental relationships. –Jill Lightner
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Click to submit suggestions for books for the new daily feature at PJ Lifestyle. Monday titles focus on the family and relationships.
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Related at PJ Lifestyle on dysfunctional relationships and marriages:
It has been 15 years since my parents divorce and it still causes pain in my life. Everytime I have to choose which parent to invite to a holiday or my children’s birthday parties. Every time I feel left out when my mother chooses to attend a holiday event with her husband’s family but my family does not get invited. When my grandparents were still alive there was still that glue that holds the family together even without my parents marriage remaining intact. Now that they are all gone, my own nuclear family is an island in the sea, occasionally interacting with family members on at a time but VERY rarely as a whole family. On one hand it still breaks my heart, on the other hand it has created a strong bond between my husband and I (his parents have passed on) and our little family. I have had to take the initiative to become the matriarch so that my children can feel the bonds of family and tradition. I am determined to be the glue that holds us together for as long as God allows me to stay on this Earth.
I congratulate you for your good and positive attitude. If more people would be like you and simply decide to take what appears to be a disaster and turn it into good the world would be a better place.
Families can be fragmented several ways, divorce among them. My wife and I consider ourselves “mutts” as her parents divorced when she was young and my father died and mother remarried. Holidays and family dynamics are never the same thereafter.
What people rarely talk about is the REASON for the divorce. Everyone I know who is divorced (and, damn it, that’s a lot) had their marriage ruined by one of the couple, or sometimes both, acting like immature brats – and I mean infidelity on a whim. The kids lose ALL respect for dad when he’s screwing waitresses for kicks, just so he can feel like “a player.” It’s rather like watching your dad destroy the family home because he’s playing with matches.
As usual this assumes that one of the couple wasn’t so toxic or outright dangerous that staying married was more destructive to the child (and other adult) than divorce.
To my observation and experience (including a couple of year as a divorce lawyer) I’d say that the “toxic or outright dangerous” couples are a small minority of divorces. (Although “toxic” is a weasel word – I have know idea what that means – is one of them radioactive from working in a nuclear facility?) The overwhelming number of divorces I have witnesses have been the result of selfishness / self centered-ness or immaturity of one, or sometimes both spouses.
People play brinkmanship in their marriages – such as vying for control over their spouse, and angling for excessive financial resources for themselves (nagging a spouse to make more money or spending a disproportionate share on personal luxuries). These things are unbelievable corrosive to a marriage.
The kids are a non-consideration. Parents will use their kids as weapons to direct their scorned hell-fury at their Ex. It’s sickening to observe first-hand and there can be no doubt it’s damaging to the kids that live through it.
Looking forward to reading this, actually. I divorced when my kids were small, and over the years their dad and I have tried to co-parent well. They know we talk often and they can’t play us off each other. The divorce was hard on them but I know the reality of our marriage would’ve been harder.
What does “the reality of our marriage” mean?
In your instance it might be true, some problems are insurmountable. But in many many instances citing “the reality of our marriage can cop out for people to avoid surmountable problems.
“The reality” was that he got married and had kids out of a sense of duty to provide his parents with grandchildren. He had no interest in being a husband, a father or half a couple and as a result he acted out in rather disturbing ways. I’ll spare you the gory details but I assure the kids are better off.
Personally I believe that many times divorce happens much before the couple does it formally. I know many “divorced” couples, formally still married.