Dear Sister Wives Star Kody Brown: Love Should Be Exclusive, not Divided
“Love should be multiplied, not divided.” — Sister Wives star Kody Brown
Polygamist Kody Brown and his four wives, featured on TLC’s reality show Sister Wives, challenges the show’s audience with that “prove me wrong” statement at the beginning of every episode. Now in its third season, Sister Wives follows the lives of Brown and his wives, Meri, Janelle, and Christine, all of whom he married in the early 1990s. The most recent addition, Robyn — younger, thinner, prettier — married into the family last season. The household also includes a total of 17 children (three of them Robyn’s from a previous marriage). The only legal marriage is between Kody and Meri.
Like most reality shows, there’s an element of train-wreck entertainment as we watch the daily lives of the “cast,” and like most reality shows, we can be certain that the editors and producers play a strong role in shaping the show’s narrative. In much of the first season, they portray the family as happy and loving — your average family next door — until they introduce the fourth wife, Robyn, and she and Kody begin courting. Jealousy between the wives begins to surface and escalates as Robyn and Kody eventually marry. There are serious cracks, especially in the relationship between Christine and Kody now that she has been replaced as the the newest wife:
I have a lot of expectations and not a lot of appreciation, to be honest. And so, he’s walking into a hostile environment sometimes now. And we’re just at a point where we’re struggling to find ourselves. I don’t know if I care if it’s perfect anymore or if it’s what he wants anymore. It’s just so much work. And I know there’s a big payoff and I know for years and years we had a great marriage and a great thing. I just don’t know what I want anymore.
After “30+ years of feminist propaganda” it’s pretty common for one wife to be one too many.
The polygamy edict by Joseph Smith when he found “Nauvoo” in Illinois after being chased out of Missouri was controversial and contested within Mormon ranks. His own wife was not at all crazy about this perverse turn of events. It only intensified persecution of Mormons and led to Smith’s lynching. One of the most courageous acts by a religion happened when the Mormon elders of Utah dropped polygamy so that they could join the Union.
Kody??? Meri??? Bulonee.
The argument against polygamy in the linked article on Old Testament polygamy is good but leaves out a direct rebuttal to those who claim “it’s in the Bible”. Yes, people in the Bible practiced polygamy but not as a religious belief in that it was allowed but wasn’t a required religious practice. Besides saying that “Furthermore, they don’t find any explicit commands that say “Thou shalt not commit polygamy” it could also have stated that you don’t find any commands that say “Thou shall be a polygamist” either.
There is certainly a very bad downside to polygamy as explained here and in the link. Perhaps that is why there is so much of it in the Bible. Much of the Bible tells us by example how we should live but it also tells, again by example, how we should not live.
It is quite clear in the Jewish Bible both by implication and by example, that polygamy is OK. However, there is a difference between a society where polygamy is legal but rarely practiced, as in the Jewish society pre-1000CE, and a polygamous society, one where the men are left to roam the streets and blow themselves up (hint).
I am not advocating that a Christian country like the US legalize it, but I find it immensely ironic that adultery (sp?) and male homosexulaity, which are condemned by the three main Abrahamic religions, are legal and accepted, while polygamy, which only Christianity considers immoral, gets you jail time.
P.S. The Ayatolla Khomeni discouraged polygamy. Honestly.
No, it is not clear. The Bible notes a lot of bad things as a matter of fact. There was polygamy, but in no case does the Bible say, and this really is quite notable, that it was a good thing or a morally indifferent thing. So, then — Abraham’s relationship with the concubine Hagar leads eventually to her being cast out, with the son Ishmael, whom Abraham loved. Laban’s tricking Jacob into marrying both Leah and Rachel leads to animosity in the family, extending into the next generation with Joseph. David and Solomon are the flagrant examples of polygamists in the time of the kings, and both cases are highly problematic: David takes Bathsheba after being guilty of adultery and murder; Solomon’s many wives turn his heart toward idolatry.
Then it is clear from Hosea and from the Song of Songs, and other prophetic texts, that marriage is to be one and one. So Jesus says that Moses allowed for divorce — a much “smaller” allowance than was bigamy — because of the hardness of their hearts, but “it was not so from the beginning.”
mzk1,
“A man shall have but one wife and concubines he shall have none.”
This command can be found in both the New Testament of the Bible and in the Book of Mormon. I point this out only to illustrate what a lying hypocrite Joseph Smith was…. contradicting himself in a self serving revelation published in the LDS Doctrines and Covenants. A man who follows this deceitful exploiter is following one of the great Charlatans of American History. He should be scorned.
I have Mormonism in my ancestry and attended the LDS Church when I was a young boy. I’ve seen Polygamy, up close, as it is practiced in the compounds of Utah, Nevada and Arizona. It is nothing like the sanitized puff pieces one sees on Oprah Interviews and TV Reality shows. It is a humiliating proposition for women and even worse for children. Shame be upon those who embrace it.
No woman should be part of a herd. Period.
What if a woman wants to be part of a herd? How’s that any of your business?
Please refer to multiple credit, financial, bankruptcy, etc., problems cited in the article. Who do you think ends up paying for that? It’s already legal in Canada for immigrating Muslims with multiple marriages to have all the wives and children collect welfare benefits. Who do you think pays for that? Not to mention there are 17 children, so far, and 1 father?
Social cohesion and a functioning body politic requires the vast majority of members of society to agree on standards for sexual behavior and for what makes up a family.
No society succeeds after it has been given over to debauchery. There are no successful Muslim societies, and have never been any. They merely live off what they can steal from the rest of us.
Mormonism, like Islam, was a scam to gain money, power, and limitless sexual release for its founder. It has no place in a civilized society.
It’s true that polygamy occurs in the Bible (and the biblical accounts note some of the problems, too), but Jewish society as it went on continued to reflect on the nature of marriage. In medieval times, Rabbenu Gershom declared polygamy banned in the Jewish communities of Europe, where it was by that time already an oddity. Only in a few regions of the world (influenced by Islam, I suspect), such as Yemen, was polygamy in the Jewish community accepted, and even then it was not encouraged, and many limitations and additional requirements were set about its practice (e.g., separate houses for each family). Looking at marriage in Jewish history we see the biblical worldview does tend towards monogamy.
I think this analysis is a bit eggagerated. The main point, though, is that even though the Western Jewish communities prohibit polygamy by custom – for reasons that are unclear – Judaism at no time ever considered it immoral.
Polygamy makes me ill to think about it. How could any woman have so little self respect?
I would love to find out if Ms.Lithwick would like to re-examine her postion in light of recent events.
Excuse me! But this means Jesus should be left out of Christain since he has many many many wives just like King Solomon and KIng David. And as far a jealousy ,jealousy comes from the vert heart of rge Evil one who was rejected by God in favor of Jesus just as Cain was rejected and Able approved. Perhaps the problem lies with these Lilith women in rich nations who want to be worshiped as goddess
So become like Jesus die and be raised from the dead and maybe you can have many wives too but remember there is no sex in heaven so prepare for the holy
If you can not do this ,man do not be insane ! Love only one women infected with this Lilth demon in rich nations and your love will heal her and she will gain for faith back in the True God by your SERVING and Slaving for her out of love
I also believe since sex is the sign of marriage all those you have had sex with out side of marriage that you will have to deal with in purgatory in the afterlife how to love all your husbands and wives in the eyes of God. God will not be mocked
HUman beings who understand this pray for our nation for God’s mercy. Gentle love covers many mistakes and be glad you are not in the afterlife yet
“this means Jesus should be left out of Christain since he has many many many wives . . .”
Interesting take on the life of Christ. Where’d it come from?
Some of his wives have come to me but let me keep this simple for the unbeliever and say it is based on my reading of his wives
just one of many examples
”
Divine Mercy in My Soul
Diary – Sr. Faustina
…….to obtain mercy for sinners-such are my nights……
1502 January 20, 1938. I never cringe before anyone. I can’t bear flattery, for humility is nothing
but the truth. There is no cringing in true humility. Although I consider myself the least in
the whole convent, on the other hand, I enjoy the honor of being the bride of Christ. Little
matter that often I hear people say that I am proud, for I know that human judgment does
not discern the motives for our actions”
Saint Faustina
his other wives seem to be getting jealous of her all the night time visits Jesus was giving her
and she came to me in the forest in my Mother sanctuary and i was all blushes and weak knee she was so very beautiful and I make sure I not like King David’s son Absolum lusting after the wives of his papa . The strangest thing she first came to me as a deer then in the 7th angel sanctuary I call her my pet deer and a big big rose was on her chest but as I got closer it was a gunshot wound and yet the miracle she did not die and then right after that she came to me in the flesh
This is why I believe I am the richest man in the world when now the invisible becomes visible and every eye can see this if they were there
” if you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains “: Jesus say
You’re being too literal. Catholic Nuns who swear a vow of chastity take on the title ‘Bride of Christ’ for symbolic reasons. There’s no wedding involved.
Put the shoe on the other foot. What if the majority of relationships were not monogamous? What if the pressure, religious, social, legal and public, was to have more than one wife or more than one husband? iow, what if everyone else was telling you how to live? Who to love? How many kids you could or couldn’t have? What if all of the laws were purposely designed to benefit nultiple partner relationships? Tax breaks? Insurance benefits? Employment?
How would you feel about that?
America. Freedom. Keep your nose out of other people’s business. Freedom of association. Weird stuff like that.
Don’t forget the fact that quite a number of monogamous marriages end up busted, including those among religiously minded peoples. So, religion isn’t really the issue, here. It’s about relationships. It’s about privacy. It’s about freedom.
If it’s not about freedom, then, it’s about tyranny – in short, you wish to use government to impose your ideals and morals – and even religious doctrines – upon others. Yes. That’s tyranny.
Let’s put religion aside and consider the demography, genetic implications and prospects for a polygamous society to build capital. Polygamy limits the genetic material input by males and inverts the family tree. For example, Ibn Saud has more than 44,000 direct descendants. The incidence of genetic abnormalities in the Middle East is much higher than monogamous societies; even the FLDS had problems with genetic inbreeding. Polygamy also causes tribal societies to encourage consanguineous marriages to avoid sharing wealth with other tribes in inheritances. You can trace the strange covering of women’s faces as a means to avoid recognition of a niece married to her uncle. In a polygamous society the mathematics guarantee that everyone in the village is a cousin and overpopulation is almost always a result in polygamous countries. Governments cannot manage a society that has such ballooning impoverished youth populations.
Polygamy guarantees an impoverished society in two ways. Few man can possibly educate and pass along their wealth to dozens and dozens of children. The multiple wives must viciously compete to get their son a favorite status in hopes he will get a wife. The man must become an arbitrator and punish his wives to keep the family operational. Each extra wife a man obtains means another man unable to marry. As a woman’s fertility ends, she’s often sent home and a new young wife is brought in, so often a rich man will go through ten or more wives. When a sizable proportion of a society is unmarried men, then conquest by war is their only chance. Hemmed in now, the Middle East kills it’s own extra males with little remorse or respect for life. Violence, treachery, tribes and bribes among women and men destroys a society’s ability to build capital.
That is what your “privacy” and “rights” get you when you sanction polygamy. Religion does not matter at all.
China is going to be a hot mess (well, more so than it already is) when the imbalance of males over females (because of aborting/killing girl babies in favor of males) become restless and desperate for female companionship and a family of their own.
Since Cody is legally married to only one woman I am unsure what law he is violating.
Because of a very blatant violation of the First Amendment, three of his wives are forced to live in a state of concubinage.
Frankly, any man or woman who wants to enter into a polyamorous relationship can do so now–so long as they don’t bother the State with it. They can even get the blessing of their god of choice.
Why does anyone need to care what two(or more) consenting adults do behind closed doors? Why is it anyone’s business but theirs? Because what they’re doing might have an adverse effect on ‘society’ if it catches on?
So what? Too many forget that ‘society’ exists as a tool to facillitate the congenial living of individuals–individuals do not exist to serve ‘society’.
“Too many forget that ‘society’ exists as a tool to facillitate the congenial living of individuals–individuals do not exist to serve ‘society’.”
Now there’s a concept the nannies are welcome to wrap their minds around. Nonetheless, any woman who agrees to be in a polygamous relationship is asking for nothing but trouble. JMO.
Concubinage is an attempt to get around the laws against polygamy.
Muslim immigrants frequently practice it, and all but the first “wife” gets welfare benefits as a single mother.
Muslim marriages are not marriages and should never be recognized in any non-Muslim country. No woman who becomes pregnant as the result of cohabiting with a Muslim should be allowed to feed at the taxpayer trough or to keep her offspring. There’s a great need for adoptive babies, and these particular babies have a great need to be raised in a normal environment.
This is a really good article, especially in dealing with the consequences of polygamy. But as a Christian, your references to Biblical polygamy are weak.
Although there is polygamy recorded in the Old Testament, it is not presented as God’s ideal for humans. As Jesus points out, Adam had but one wife and they were considered as “one flesh.” This is the pattern set by God from the beginning.
We frequently refer to the Biblical patriarchs as being polygamous, but if one take a close look at those stories, you quickly see that was not really true. Abraham had but one wife, Sarah. It was only through lack of faith that he procreated with his wife’s servant Hagar to produce a son, Ishmael. And Biblical as well as secular history has shown that his true descendants (from Isaac and Jacob/Israel) were continually plagued by that poor decision. But the fact is that both Abraham and his true heir Isaac each had but one wife.
The only reason why Jacob had two wives was because he was cheated out of marrying his true love, Rachel. And looking at the story, one could argue that he should never have taken Rachel as a second wife, as she was the one who brought idolatry (Gen. 31:19) and jealousy (Gen. 30:1) into the marriage.
Also, study of Ancient Near Eastern customs has shown that polygamy was not the norm in the general population, but was predominantly practiced by Kings and clan leaders, and generally was used as a part of diplomacy. Kings married the daughters of other kings to cement alliances.
The Bible does document these polygamous marital alliances between kings, but frequently demonstrates how these marriages were contrary to God’s will. For example, Solomon’s biggest downfall is attributed to his multiplying wives, which led to idolatry. (1 Kings 11:1-2)
And the New Testament makes it clear, through both the teachings of Jesus and the Pauline epistles, that marriage is to be between one man and one woman.
StephenDvd,
I absolutely agree with you. Due to space constraints I didn’t completely flesh out my thoughts on this, but in the next to last paragraph I linked to a great article on the subject from Matthias Media:
“The Bible does of course contain commandments, and lots of narratives. But hardly any of the narratives are about morally upright heroes who keep God’s commandments. Most of the narratives are about God’s actions and plans to save immoral human beings. Most of the human characters in Bible stories (even some of the most faithful ones) are morally dubious at best; in fact, many of their activities are downright sordid. You’re not supposed to read these stories as direct examples for your own life; you’re meant to read them to understand God’s actions in the midst of a tragic human history.”
This is an issue which really tests the mettle of anyone who believes that government at any level has no business in the bedroom.
On one hand, the government has no business endorsing polygamous marriages. On the other, it has no right or reason to interfere with the behavior of consenting adults behind closed doors no matter that some find their behavior unacceptable or immoral. The key words are consenting and adult.
It’s quite simple: If you don’t condone polyamorous behavior, don’t engage in it. If you do condone such behavior and/or engage in it, don’t expect to be granted a license to legitimize it.
And for God’s sake, don’t throw it in people’s faces. People have a much stronger tendency to ignore the behavior of others if their noses are not being shoved in it. That’s always been a large part of the struggle for the acceptance of gay marriages. It’s difficult for people to accept homosexuality as normal when groups of gays parade around the streets of our cities annually in Gay Pride parades engaging in behavior and being dressed in ways that on any other day would get them locked up.
Unfortunately, it is not just about what goes on behind the bedroom doors. Numerous kids, too many for one man to support, always equals gov’t assistance. The plyg communties in Utah rely very heavily on welfare. So I think we do have a say.
Bitterly laughing out loud. It’s the SSM all over again, and after establishing that all that’s necessary to redefine an institution is private conscience and personal consent, you’ll never stop polygamy now. You no longer have a moral language to stop it.
Cogent thought and I agree. It will boil down to the power politics of the given moment. Proper Law-in-context, proper thinking, first principles, etc.,etc., will play little part in the outcome, I’m afraid.
What law do you wish to obey? Ignore? How does the law make you FEEL (today)?
On a national and state level, selective enforcement=selective observance…
in spades.
“If he takes another wife, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, and her marriage rights. And if he does not do these three for her, then she shall go out free, without paying money” (Exodus 21:10-11).
“If a man has two wives, and he loves one but not the other, and both bear him sons….”(Deuteronomy 21:15-1)
Polygamy, slavery and divorce are always up for debate among particular brands of Chrisianity. The debates will continue until, such time as the conflicts between God/Jesus biographers of the Old and New Testaments are settled by some not yet known, devine intervention. Until then, Gods words as transcribed on the subject of polygamy, are what they are!
I thought i share the modern written by an 80 year old man showing it is impossible to take away the desire and the beast in the man remains but Divine Love is the tool to remove this I believe which brings me to the story of Abraham taking on young chick after Sarah pass away and make more babies for blessings to mankind
““From the first day I met his daughter, all I could think about was snuffling up under that sweet dimity like some bad old bear, just crawling up into that honeycomb, nose twitching, and never come out of there till early spring. Think that’s disgusting? Dammit, I do, too, but that’s the way male animals are made. Those peculiar delights were created to entrap us, and anybody who disapproves can take it up with God.”
Peter Matthiessen
It very well could be these new Abraham Old man wise seed with young sweet smiling wife could be the other Hebrew types that produce the Budha or Hindui religions , lazy kids sitting doing nothing all day getting fat belly because they had no good Sarah to push them to great success some may say
God’s word the Bible say Abraham was very very happy in his old age and live to 175 years old showing what good young wife who is free from Lilith demon can do for old man some may say
Yet Saint Paul say : Stay single and chaste and this is how I live but i understand the folly of old men
may God have mercy and we can see how wife may never forgive such behavior except through miracle
more latter
Whether one considers polygamy/polyamory to be desirable or not, as Azathoth notes above, there is no practical barrier to the practice today since our laws regarding marriage are in tatters. If as a society we are willing to condone so-called gay marriage, then we have no argument against the various forms of “multiple marriage”. Add to that the fact that as a society we condone people living together and acting in most ways like married couples without the requirement or even expectation of any sort of commitment (i.e. actual marriage), and suddenly there are no barriers. Two people decide to shack up and even procreate without making any commitment, and we smile and congratulate them. Then we blithely say “too bad” when, unsurprisingly, they break up and part ways. When we support the casual treatment of life’s most important events, then we have no grounds for telling people that they cannot form multiple marriages. I’m no fan of polygamy, but I even more loathe the hypocrisy of a society that would condone these things while prohibiting multiple marriage.
try this on for human love what King Solomon came to see
Song of Solomon
8
“Hold me close to your heart like the seal around your neck.
Keep me close to yourself like the ring on your finger.
My love for you is so strong it won’t let you go.
Love is as powerful as death.
Love’s jealousy is as strong as the grave.
Love is like a blazing fire.
It burns like a mighty flame.
7 No amount of water can put it out.
Rivers can’t drown it.
Suppose someone offers
all of his wealth to buy love.
That won’t even come close to being enough.”
1 husband 1 wife
Christian polygamy (differeniated from Muslim or Mormon polygamy) is not a sin according to the Bible. At least not expressly so, and these are the ones for which we are accountable to God. For many years now I’ve read the Bible through, and I see polygamy as a sort of second-tier status; not God’s ideal or intent for man, but permitted rather than embraced. Permitted due to circumstances, culture, and man’s lack of self-control. As a comparison it’s like in Corinthians when the Apostle Paul permits remarriage of those who have been abandoned by an unbelieving spouse. We know in Matthew that Jesus basically considers remarriage a form of adultery, but Paul clarifies that those divorced by an unbelieving spouse are under no compulsion. Remarriage is not an ideal reflection of God’s plan for marriage; but nonetheless we live in a fallen state and allowances can be made without incurring sin before God. Likewise I believe God shows mercy and allows certain practices due to the weakness and hardness of man. I would consider that God is far more concerned with the way in which a man conducts himself in such an arrangement. The Bible is pretty clear about the responsiblities of each spouse in marriage, and a man in polygamy is only multiplying his responsibilities and accountability before God. Most people have difficulty maintaining a right spirit and relationship in marriage with ONE spouse! (My husband has said many times he doesn’t get the desire for polygamy at all — he thinks it’s crazy that a man would want to be accountable before God for more than one wife and children!)
Certainly, though God permitted (or permits) polygamy, it is obvious that it’s not the ideal intended. As other posters have noted above, no one who practiced it in the Bible had good outcomes. Even nature itself testifies, as birth rates have stayed roughly even between boys and girls since we have records of such data; nature would reflect God’s intent and ideal for polygamy with more girl births than boys if this were so. Adam was given only one helper for a reason –it is a reflection of God’s perfect ideal for marriage as a reflection of Christ and the Church — not a partnership, but a sort of symbiotic relationship of submission and unity. Plenty of arguments (like Dr. Bukk? above) can be made against polygamy as an institutional practice on the basis of secular facts and reasoning without even considering what the Bible has to say about it.
I would like to see an identical map of the world, this time showing poverty rates, put side by side with that map showing the legality of polygamy.
Your map would likely dovetail neatly. After WWI, Kemel Attaturk banned polygamy, opened universities to women and changed the alphabet to western characters. So, without any oil income, Turkey is booming financially. Unfortunately, Islamists are on the rise today, but the taste of freedom can’t be bottled up by a few nuts.
As for those of you calling the USA a Christian nation, I refer you to the Treaty of Tripoli and the First Amendment. Do some reading and know your history.
As a woman in a wonderful relationship with two male lifemates – one for over 12 years and one for over 4 – I can say that polyamory is a wonderful thing but ONLY if you are in it because of love. Love is NOT a finite resource. How else could a mother find love for each of her children or the Creator love all of us? I was blessed to find love with my legal spouse and then years later find more love with my second lifemate. We are blessed to have each other, even on the days when things are rocky and crazy.
Just a couple of points about polygamy that might interest you:
1. As a condition for entry into the Union, Utah had to not only make polygamy illegal, but unconstitutional (in the Utah State Constitution) as well. So a legal battle in Utah to change that law is a steeper climb than just legislation. It would mean a constitutional amendment.
2. Polygamy as practiced by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the 1800s (Mormons–not the present-day, so-called “Mormon Fundamentalists”) had a few characteristics many people may not know about:
Many of the men of the church (though not all) were of New England Puritan, British Victorian, or other Protestant backgrounds and found polygamy as offensive as you do. Because only the President of the Church could authorize a polygamous marriage, I believe it was not uncommon to “call” men and women to practice polygamy as a test of their faith. It was well understood that living a polygamous lifestyle was very, very hard–for men (to live up to being good husbands to all of their wives equally, and supporting their large families) as well as for women.
To the best of historical knowledge, the Mormon practice of polygamy started probably in the late 1830s or early 1840s and was officially ended in 1890 (by the President of the Church–the only one who could authorize them!). At its largest, probably less than 5% of the families were polygamous (or so I’ve heard), though their descendents are over-represented among those of us with Mormon pioneer ancestry for obvious reasons. Pioneering the West took the lives of many men so, in fact, there *were* more women than men in the church up until about one generation after ox-pulled covered wagons and handcarts were used, and the first waves of settlement were over (about 1890!).
You should be aware that some “polygamous” relationships of that period were sexless or utilitarian: a 45 year old man married to a 70-year-old widowed “wife” so he and the “sister wives” could help care for her in her advancing years; a younger but mature 40-year-old widowed wife with several children so that the children would have a provider; etc. (remember, this was the 1800s).
That is not to say polygamy wasn’t abused. It was. Even in the best of polygamous homes there was often tension and anger. A new, younger wife being added to the family was almost a cliche for trouble, even if one could assume the best of intentions on the husband’s part–a hard assumption to make! For men who were truly trying their best to be good men and good Christians, it was very, very, very hard. For not-so-good, weak or lecherous men, it was everything you’ve identified.
Now, contrast the long-discontinued practice of those early Mormons with “Fundamentalist Mormons,” where: a.) virtually every member of the community–good or bad–is polygamous, b.) where there is a natural balance of men and women in the community, c.) where there is an aura of secretiveness, and d.) a highly hierarchical order, and you can see that it would be prone to the troubles you mentioned–in spades!
I hope this additional information is helpful to understand the the modern practice of polygamy by fringe groups.