How Obama and His Media Would Respond to Flying Saucer Invaders During Campaign Season
Note: The following is my daydream of a New York Times editorial a few weeks hence, after the craziness regarding the hurricane and the Republican convention. It is intended to be over-the-top satire that might make you laugh. The point is, though, that things have become so totally bizarre that I wouldn’t rule out something like this happening. [By the way, doesn't it seem as if Obama is running for national student body president, as if all the voters are on campuses? In a sense, I think that reflects a very real belief of him and his cohort.]
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Under any circumstances, the appearance of an alien attack fleet would seem to be a cause for alarm. Of course, we are not referring to good “aliens,” the people sneaking across our borders in the hope of getting citizenship and the ability to vote in elections—not necessarily in that order. No, we are referring to the aliens from the star system of Alpha Orionis whose space ships are even now circling our planet.
As everyone knows by now, the aliens have broadcast a threat that unless their demands are met within 24 hours they will start destroying one American state a day, killing all forms of life within its borders. There are those who have wrongly concluded, however, that the president should immediately cease his fundraising activities and that the schedule of the Democratic Convention be altered.
We view this as short sighted, mainly pushed by the far-right faction that has taken over the Republican Party. There is a big difference between an alien attack that bodes ill for the survival of all Americans and a hurricane hitting the Gulf Coast. No one would suggest that the president prefers to be partying while Americans were dying horribly. It’s just that doing so is his personal duty, made perhaps less onerous by the fact that some of the specific states that might be wiped out, say Arizona or Utah for example.
Fund-raising and nominating conventions are a necessary part of the American political process. Consequently, these are legitimately the highest priority for a president compared to, say, dealing with the wrecked economy, massive unemployment, inflation, the takeover of Egypt by a genocidal-oriented totalitarian regime, and such relatively secondary problems.
Finally, we should address the potential advantages of the destruction of America by the space invaders’ advanced weapons. The U.S. debt would be wiped out overnight. Since no one would be alive to look for work the unemployment rate would be zero. And we would have achieved perfect equality. As an added bonus, the United States, a country that has done so much damage in the world, would be gone and the rest of the globe’s people would be free to pursue their development without fear of someone stealing their resources. Well, someone other than those from Alpha Orionis at least.
We do not know much about the culture or even the skin—if they have skin—or the gender—if they have gender—of the voyagers from Alpha Orionis. But we can certainly say that they are part of the universe’s rainbow of diversity. Who is to say that Homo Sapiens, that breed which has ravished this planet environmentally, is superior to these visitors? Perhaps they have free birth control pills and recycling, the main features of a truly advanced civilization.
In short, who are we to judge?
But one thing is clear: threats of the imminent destruction of America should not disrupt the president’s schedule or the Democratic Party convention. That would be truly silly.
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Cross-posted from Rubin Reports
Related at PJ Lifestyle:
We can buy seven more days if we can name the final seven of our fifty-seven states in their appropriate alphabetical order.
1. AABashful
2. AADoc
3. AADopey
4. AAGrumpy
5. AAHappy
6. AASleepy
7. AASneezy
Otherwise, I’d suggesat that we look to “Footfall” for pointers on how to deal with a space alien attack with contemporary technology.
Hi Ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go!
Nah!If Obama has anything to do with it, WORK is certainly not involved!
Wat? I gots to aktchully goes to woik? Dat ain’t wot I’s be ‘lectin youse to do!
Mo’ FREE STUFF! I needs my Pigford money!
Dat’s wotz I needs!
I’m afraid you are looking in the wrong place. “Footfall” does not describe how to defeat an alien invasion with contemporary technology; it describes how to do that with the technology of the past. The invaders in that book were defeated with space shuttles and nuclear warheads — but we don’t have space shuttles anymore, and the number of U.S. nuclear warheads is about 20% of what it was in 1985, when “Footfall” was published. (President Obama has announced plans to slash that stockpile even further, to about one quarter of the current number, with the goal of eventually reducing it to zero.)
If the Fithp invaded today, we would have no choice but to surrender to them.
Excellent Novel!
“No, that’s our war-master, and he’s coming to make you extinct.”
All I know is, if we WERE being invaded by extraterrestrials, Paul Krugman would get a Chris Matthews style tingle in his pants.
Paul Krugman would be the alien pathfinder sent ahead to mark areas to attack. He was selected for this role because he was the tallest alien in the fleet and would intimidate the indigenous life forms.
Oh, fer chrissakes,why do you think he keeps his tinfoil hat at the ready, 24/7?
I wonder whose uranus he’s kissing, now?
I have the answer if this happens:
Say it will take a few days to meet their demands and give them Joe Biden as a hostage, as a show of good faith. I figure that within a few hours they will become afraid that whatever it is that is wrong with Joe might be contagious and must be rampant on Earth if the second in command of Earth’s dominant military power is so heavily afflicted, and they will quickly decide to teleport him back to DC and get out while the getting is good.
A space invasion would lead the left to do three things:
1. Attack western religion (“Where’s your Jesus now?”) and claim this proves that God doesn’t exist … well, execpt maybe in Islam, Scientology or what ever other exotic religion is hot in Hollywood at the moment;
2. Mimic the scene from Independence Day with the flower children gathering on top of the skyscraper in Los Angeles and greeting the new arrivals as our new saviors. We all remember how that turned out;
3. Once that happened, use the Earth’s remaining communication resources to do what Michael Moore did in his infamous post-9/11 tome, when he asked why in the world the terrorists attacked New York and Washington, since they voted against Bush in 2011. A final New York Times op-ed page alerting the space aliens to attack the militaristic folks down in Texas or other parts of flyover country instead of the peace-loving burghers of Blue State land would be a fitting end for the Paper of Record.
I thought the Doonesbury comic strip last Sunday had a good example of the difference between the parties: the characters were talking in front of the TV and posed the question about how Obama would react. The conservative said he would try to use Hillary to talk with the aliens, while the moderate liberal said he would use force, but do so WISELY. Then they both wondered what Mitt Romney would do, and the cartoonist answered in the last frame: buy the aliens out, sell their weapons for salvage, and then “downsize their skinny green butts.” I think this summarizes the approach of the current extreme wing of the GOP, to treat ALL PROBLEMS as “market” or “business” problems, with the only “solutions” allowed being those that benefit those who are already better off, even if they HARM the less fortunate.