Advice From a Happy Wife to Young Women
A book offering insight into being ourselves while also being wives and mothers. What might have been if it had been published before The Feminine Mystique? I lament the need for Tracy McMillan's book, but needed it is. For young women, not yet so jaded as to need Why You're Not Married, however, I highly recommend Advice to a Young Wife from an Old Mistress.
Recently, Kathy Shaidle posted about whether women talk too much and kill relationships. She concluded that it isn’t that women talk too much or are too smart, but that they are often too critical. True enough, but that isn’t what caught my attention.
A new advice book, Why You’re Not Married…Yet, by Tracy McMillan prompted Shaidle’s post. From the description of McMillian’s book:
- You’re a Bitch: How defensiveness and anger can hide behind a tough, take-charge exterior, and why being nice is never a sign of weakness.
- You’re a Liar: How to stop lying to men—and get honest with yourself—about the kind of relationship you really want. It’s the only way.
- You’re Shallow: Being a woman who insists on a tall guy is no different from being a man who demands big boobs. Learn why you should let go of trying to get what you think you should have and focus on getting what you need.
- You’re Selfish: The big secret about marriage: It’s about giving something, not getting it. The other big secret: You will have to go first.
Shaidle compares McMillian’s book to other advice books of the past, one of which I devoured in my 20‘s, Advice to a Young Wife from an Old Mistress. I am struck by the differences in the advice. The old advice focused on how to be a good woman. The new advice, however, focuses on how not to be a bad person.
The really short summary of Advice to a Young Wife: have a life and don’t nag. More eloquently, Advice to a Young Wife maintains, “One is born female, but being a woman is a personal accomplishment.”
How did it come to pass that the generation of women who have more opportunity than any generation of women in history have to be reminded not to be bitchy, selfish, shallow, or a liar? Wait, forget reminded — they have to be taught not to be bitchy. We think it is such a good thing that we have an anthem about it.
Advice to a Young Wife was published a few years after The Feminine Mystique. Both books advised young wives of the Sixties, those who were college educated and, thanks to the post-war technology boom, freed from the essential and time and energy consuming chores of housewives of the past. Looking back, it is no surprise at all that these women were bored. The question was, what to do about it.
Both The Feminine Mystique and Advice to a Young Wife told women to do things for themselves. Advice to a Young Wife told women to be something of your own in addition to being a wife and mother. The Feminine Mystique, however, told women to be something of your own at the expense of others, most especially, husbands.
That sense of selfishness has permeated every aspect of feminism since. Fast forward 50 years, and is it any wonder that advice books essentially have to remind women not to be that bitchy, selfish, shallow liars?
For all of the talk about the “rise of women,” there seems to be ample evidence that women, as a class, are becoming progressively nastier, conceited, and superficial. The MacMillan book has much to offer. Maybe women should focus on being better people, and once that’s done, then they can turn their attention on being attractive. Not being repulsive is a good start.
Meanwhile, young men across the country have woken up to the unmitigated disaster that awaits them if they marry, and are making a firm commitment to never marry.
Maybe young women, with their newfound desire to be decent human beings, can marry each other.
As a newly minted professional about 20 years ago I had my eyes opened by an older and obviously bitter colleague who said, “If I ever decide I want to marry again I’ll take the short route – find some bitch I hate and buy her a house.” Funny, I thought. But it made me reflect. The legal deck is stacked against men in pretty much every way if things go bad.
Are you a man who likes the company of women? Great. Decide what you want from a woman or women and find one or more who will provide that, but protect your resources. Share your resources if you want to, but protect them from aggressive confiscation.
“The legal deck is stacked against men in pretty much every way if things go bad.”
Men set it up that way. We have our reasons.
I’m reminded of the Frontman Fallacy.
Females exercise a lot of power that Schoolhouse Rock left out of “How a Bill Becomes a Law”.
A cliffhanger statement if ever I’ve seen one!!
False chivalry? Stupidity?
That can’t work. If you go into a relationship trying to protect yourself or anything you have for fear of losing it, you have already lost. The game is over before it even starts because you didn’t bother to show up to play. You cannot love someone with your whole heart and at the same time hold anything back for fear of losing it. Love is risky, and you’ll never know love if you don’t open your heart and risk pain.
Love is of the heart. Resources are of reality. The first rule of a relationship is being honest. That includes being honest to someone that you will share all you have so long as they understand that there are strings attached. Marriage should not be a guarantee that one can play house then walk off with half to all of it in a couple of years.
You can’t have a healthy relationship if all your psychic energy is going into protecting yourself, which is the case now due to the perverted and asymmetric operation of the laws, so, ipso facto, that is why I do not want to go there,and more significantly, I counsel all men considering any relationship to consult with an attorney before they do anything, and I mean anything.
“An interesting game, Dr. Falken. The only winning move is not to play.”
Read ‘The Misandry Bubble’. It is the single most comprehensive article on the subject of the male response to feminism, and a timeline for when women receive payback.
“and is it any wonder that advice books essentially have to remind women not to be that bitchy, selfish, shallow liars?”
Tell them, too, to stop being so damned contemptuous of men. Men don’t want women who are man-haters.
After that, tell them to effing learn how to cook. I’m a guy. I am not one bit interested in a woman who cannot cook! “Oh, you can’t cook? Check, please!” Date over. No, I don’t want any sex, either. Just… not… interested.
Marc, I am truly sorry you are so “effing” incompetent you can’t cook for yourself.
Cannon Asesrb
Marc, I am truly sorry you are so “effing” incompetent you can’t cook for yourself.
====
I am truly sorry you can’t change the oil in your car. If you want to prove yourself so inarticulate as to use the “f” word then just use it.
There’s a world of difference between what he said and what you said. One is not the other.
Yeah, but at least he can read. You on the other hand…
See, there’s that contempt of men that has been mentioned. You automatically presumed that just because he wanted a woman who could cook, that he was somehow making up for some personal deficiency in that area. We said he *wanted* a woman who could cook, not that he *needed* a woman who could cook. You shouldn’t read into what people say anything more than what they actually say, otherwise your own prejudices will fill the gap.
The general tone of your original comment also makes clear why many women need help in this area.
Marc, I was married to a woman who could cook up a storm. So good I didn’t mind cleaning the dishes. However, you want someone who can cook; its cheaper to just hire a professional chef.
Marc Malone, my wife couldn’t cook 35 years ago when we got married. She also knew nothing about football. She is an expert on both now. Widen your choices if you have not found the one you are searching for. If you have, good for you.
I have three boys. My advice to them was marry someone nice. I once told a teenage friend (a girl) I was going to let her out of the car if she didn’t stop calling the boys jerks and idiots. (We were in the neighborhood, she was safe). My boys were “golden boys” in every sense of the word (all were captains of their high schools teams, voted best smile, best personality etc., graduated from the top colleges with honors, have great great jobs, you get the picture). They can cook and clean. I never stressed looks, education, jobs etc. Just marry someone nice. The youngest is still single, but two are to married to beautiful, funny professional women, who want families and who want to be stay-at-home moms like me. My daughter (in my humble opinion) probably married the nicest man out there, other than my husband and sons. She even said,”he reminds me of my brothers.” My husband, when we younger would come and tell me I had a great life. I did’t get defensive telling him how “hard” it was staying home with four children under seven. I said you’re right! Thank you! I have a great life. There is a different skill set keeping a man vs. “getting” a man. And, mostly it is being nice. Make a dinner. Make a pie. That is what Sandra Day O’Conner (supreme court justice, ret.) did. Her husband was the biggest man on campus and he married because she baked him a pie. Because she wanted to, because she is nice person. Her mother probably told her you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. I never hear that anymore.
If you can’t get the pie dough right…..cakes and cookies are always good, too.
And nothing quite beats a nice roast. Chicken, beef or pork….doesn’t matter. Something about meat with flavorful veggies just makes men happy.
Learn how to do those, and you are one sought-after girl. (Hey, my chocolate cake inspired a marriage proposal….from a gay man, no less. He may have been half kidding. Anyway, he did tell a straight friend, who happened to be a really nice guy, so it wasn’t a wasted effort on my part.)
Another old saying no longer heard:
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
Sometimes the issues in keeping a mate are simpler.
My first wife could cook. But first wife had sex with other people. She gave me the crabs.
My second second wife could not cook but she didnt give me the crabs. in the last 20 years she has learned to cook and so have I. Neither of us can cook pies we have to buy then.
So remember girls don’t give your husband stds it will piss him off.
Good advice. I happen to think I married the nicest gal in the world. She also happens to be my best friend. It took a while to evolve to that stage after a few years of marriage, but I had no idea the jewel I had married until at least 10 years into the marriage. Did I mention she likes men?
To think I just about had a panic attack the second night of my marriage contemplating, “What have I just done?” is a source of personal amusement after 25 years. My own mother secretly refers to my wife as “saint” – telling her son he was real lucky.
Like your children, my two daughters have been blessed in a variety of ways. And I attribute that success, that beauty both inside and out, to my best friend also being the world’s best mother.
Being nice, being honest, having a sense of commitment is a whole lot more important to a successful marriage than money, sex and looks. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage with two imperfect people. But my wife for her part comes real close.
When I see replies like this one, it makes me smile. I suspect that your wife feels much like you do. I have told my children that in a marriage you want to always feel like you got the best end of the bargain and to try to make it ‘even’.
Well said!
No man has any business marrying a woman who’s affection must be won against her initial impressions of you. She will always have an eye out for the next guy she thinks can ‘win better’ than you did.
Stop ignoring those girls you have a warm and friendly affinity with. Hotties or no, they are the gems who will last a lifetime.
Sixfamily,
Thank you. Really, thank you for writing that. I don’t know what has happened to young women but I can see why young men generally don’t want the American version these days. Those young women mostly see men as disposable at best, enemies at worst, and the young men are just becoming progressively more disillusioned. The smart ones know it’s insane to enter into a marriage with one of them when doing so gives her the power to destroy them financially any time she chooses. So, they generally don’t. There are a lot of Boomers out there who want grandkids that aren’t going to have them because marriage for men is just too big a gamble under the current American legal system.
I suspect historians will look back on the last 60 years and recognize the concerted effort made to destroy American society. I have a sad feeling they will be shaking their heads and asking, “How could they let that happen? Couldn’t they SEE where the road they were on was leading?”
This is an interesting article. Early advice books stressed how to be a good woman, how to be a good wife, how to be a good mother. Later advice books stress how not to be a bitch. Why? Because she is a bitch! Lo, what feminism has wrought.
I wrote a short skit once years ago. It’s called Feminism and the Male Response.
Feminism: Boys are stupid. GiRRRRRl power! Men are jerks. I’m smarter than you. I’m better than you. I make more money than you. I have a career! You can’t tell ME what to do.
The Male Response: Yawn. Buy your own house, bitch.
Tick tock tick tock tick tock
Feminism: Wah! I want to get married. I want a family. But I can’t find a man.
The Male Response: Yawn. Go home and play with your cat.
This is a female problem. It’s an attitude problem, and it’s her problem. The only one who is ever going to anything about it is her.
I’ve dated hundreds of women. I will admit that a few, a very few, maybe 1 out of 20, were marriable. It’s just that at the time we were dating circumstances didn’t permit. There was no way I was going to assume the responsibilities of being a husband and father until I was financially secure in an established career. Yeah, I know, if she loves you she’ll stand by you through the hard times. To that I say, bunk. I will establish myself as a man first, on my own, then I will consider marriage.
Or actually I won’t. Presumptive paternity and no fault divorce are completely unacceptable. What is the divorce rate these days? 50% of marriages end in divorce in the first four years. Why get married, get so you can get divorced? Divorce is expensive, and I’d rather have the money.
I did come close once, real close, bought her a ring, set a date and everything. Love can make you do stupid things. But then my father was stricken with cancer. He was in and out of the hospital, on and off a respirator, bed ridden for two years. It was painful to watch him shrink and die.
When it began, I took my fiance to dinner and tried to explain the situation to her. I had to resign my teaching positions–I was teaching high school and college at the time–so I could move back home and help my mother take care of my father. We have to postpone the wedding. She said, “But I have plans.” I said, “I don’t care about your plans. I have responsibilities.” That didn’t go over well.
She married some other guy. (There’s always some other guy, boys.) She got pregnant and divorced him before the baby was born. Guess I dodged a bullet on that one.
My advice to young women is this. Dump your attitude, mind your mouth and mind your manners. Oh, and actively campaign to elect representatives who will change the law and the marriage contract. You are 53% of the electorate, after all, and men cannot make the necessary changes without your support.
Otherwise, go to college, get a job, go to work, buy your own house, where you can sit at home, play with your cat and complain about men. And when you want to know why you’re unmarried and unhappy, look in the mirror.
Sure some grumpy men in the comment section here. I guess we all need a look in the mirror. I went through the marriage grinder too. She flat out told me she was entitled to have it all her way. We’re divorced now and my private name for her is “The Horror.”
Even so, I see I have shortcomings of my own.
My name for my ex is “The Tick”. As in bloodsucker. Young men, my advice is; don’t ever cede any control over your career or finances thru marriage. If she won’t sign a pre-nup, even if you both are in your early 20′s and poor as churchmice, she’s setting you up. Just the result of the horrific feminist lesbian communists of the 60′s seizing control of the legal system. Do the names Kagan, Sotomayor and Ginsgerg ring a bell?
If you love someone, you see them as better than they really are and it is reflected in your faith in them, in your treatment of them, and in your selflessness on their behalf, each one putting the other first. The solution to a happy marriage is simple and hard, you must love the other person more than you love yourself. It isn’t about cooking, or nagging, or modernism, it’s about personal self-sacrifice, and appreciation and recognition when your spouse sacrifices for you as well, and forgiveness if he/she makes a mistake.
Self-sacrifice is at the heart of good parenting too. But you can’t say that out loud in this society. Me, me, me, and where has it gotten us? Too many of us own our own islands.
Brilliant.
Best comment yet.
Selfless love and forgiveness.
Without them things will be really difficult.
My wife and I couldn’t have made it 38+ years without a lot of forgiveness.
If I had marriage to do it over again, I wouldn’t. Not with an American woman, for sure. And certainly with no woman younger than 45.
I’m 63 and I’m often told by my younger co-workers and other younger mothers that I’m too nice, too polite. I don’t get it. Men don’t seem to mind, the women do. Recently one of these women learned that I can certainly be quite tough when I need to be, without being mean. Other advice: just because someone is nice doesn’t mean they’re a doormat, they’re just smarter than you.
In the South, we have a term for them: “steel magnolias.”
You can be nice and still stand your ground. They are not mutually exclusive.
Oh, yeah – the prized “tough broad” who can dish it out just fine but certainly can’t take it. Worked with more than a few of those over the years and thankfully got over whatever desire I may have ever had to try and become one, but what’s never ceased to amaze me is how valued that persona is now amongst other women – as much if not more so than any other, both in the workplace and at home.
Glad to hear there’s at least one gal still out there who knows the difference between “strong” and “aggressive”.
It should not surprise women that if they are selfish, rude, disrespectful, impolite, self absorbed, disingenuous, discourteous and spiteful that men are not going to see them as something of value. As true as this is, but one has to keep saying it, if one wants respect one has to be capable of giving it. If one wants courtesy the one has to be courteous. This goes for almost every thing one wants for themselves. It is untrue to believe the old feminist joke that “Men are like floor tiles. Lay them right once and you can spend the rest of your live walking on them.”
One of the most important goals of life is interdependence. This cannot be attained if one’s independence cannot be moderated.
My advise to men is to not waste your time on American feminists. Feminism is a self limiting philosophy. Remember a man needs an American feminist like a fish needs a bycycle. You can do better.
You said it Carmalita. Mutual, loving self-sacrifice is the key, and is not exactly what some of the bitter cranks writing these comments seem to be looking for. Female bitchiness is not the only rampant problem.
I find myself in side-splitting laughter over the people calling the guys who got burned by wives and girlfriends,who are enumerating their life experiences,”bitter”. I bet if you got assaulted and robbed and went to report your victimization to the police and they told you to “get over it and stop being so bitter”,you’d see the flaw in your judgment of these fellows. For them,though,it’s much worse because what happened to them is perfectly legal. They cannot even report it to the police, so that is why they report it to other men. It isn’t bitterness,actually it’s a touching gesture of kindness to other men which is almost historically unprecedented. For most of history,the attitude has been “Who cares if men get screwed over? It’s their fault anyway!” by both sexes. The very fact that so many of them report experiencing the same thing should point to the fact that this isn’t some bitter recharacterisation of some minor event that may have been their fault anyway,but a pattern of behavior by modern women that should be troubling for anyone that wants to see birth rates in the United States stay above replacement level. Conservatives should know best of all that when you make doing business with a particular person or company a losing proposition, that people will take their money elsewhere. We should be cheering capitalism at work rather than revictimizing these men and attempting to get them to invest in a crappy product through coercive government or social control, that’s what DEMOCRATS do!
DISCLAIMER: Yes,I know it is cynical and borderline offensive to refer to marriage as a business deal and/or a “product” but once you make property and assets the focus,(like feminism already did) rather than God,family,and community, one might as well refer to it in those terms because any higher purpose is lost in a haze of greed. I would hope we can all agree on that.
All I know is, after my wife left me and our teenage son, the house was just as clean, the food just as good, it was a lot quieter, and I never have to wait for her. And I can watch Tosh.0 with my kid and laugh.
There is a Jules Fieffer cartoon which says it all;
The young woman is repeatedly critical of the young man’s
make-out technique. He gets up off the sofa and leaves,
saying ‘I’m going to go shoot some hoops with the guys.’
She stares at his departing back in disbelief.
Oh, and for you conspiracy theorists out there:
The Russians are all too familiar with the many ways
one may take advantage of human weakness; The seed money
they spent on start-up Liberal organizations has borne
bitter fruit indeed. Note that a ridiculously rich society
such as ours would trend that way on its own, human nature
being what it is, but the push the Soviets gave made it worse.
After considerable consideration, I have reached the conclusion
that the key comment above, the Sine Qua Non, is that girls must
be raised to be women, and women must take the lead in the effort.
I doubt that a High-Tech society can survive if its priorities are
set and its spending decisions are made by children.
Well, I tell a lie: It can, but only by turning women into SheMales,
and that is a grim, dystopian future indeed.
My husband spent 20 years in the Army. Probably one of the most demanding jobs on earth. What always annoyed me was seeing coffee mugs and t-shirts with ARMY WIFE: The most difficult job in the Army. No. No it isn’t and wasn’t. I didn’t have to deploy. People didn’t shoot at me and plant bombs in the road for my vehicle to hit. My husband also went to Somolia.. When I volunteer to feed the disadvantaged, traditionally people don’t try to kill me for my effort. I didn’t eat mre’s day in and day out. I didn’t live in a tent and I got to put my kids to bed every night. My point is, woman always seem to try to build themselves up at the expense of men.
I’ll disagree with you there – I’m a US Soldier (I speak only for myself, not for the US Army), and Army Wife IS the most difficult job ‘in’ the Army. To do it RIGHT is very very difficult. I deployed to Iraq and I’m gearing up to go to Afghanistan. My unit is likely to be some of the very last folks out of there and I”m looking forward to it. I’m single, but watched my married colleagues go through HELL in Iraq.
Because their wives were mostly nightmares. They FAILED at the toughest job in the Army and made my friends’ jobs infinitely harder as they had to cope with chaos in their personal lives, fight for their children, finances, and homes (and lost every single time) while also fighting a war. There were a few who’s wives (and in at least one case, husband) did it right and provided the solid home front that’s needed.
You may find this surprising, but Army life is actually easy. Yes, it can be dramatic and often uncomfortable, but for most Soldiers it’s very easy – You show up on time, in the right uniform and you do what you’re told. My troops were awesome and I did everything I could to make it easy – but take away that solid home front and it made it hell. You sound like one who does it RIGHT and because your husband does as well, it seems easy.
Please give my respects to your husband as I’m quite sure he out-ranks me.
Orion
Thanks, Kelly. I really do appreciate you saying that. In no way does it diminish the efforts and sacrifices of the military spouse to be honest about that condescending slogan! Spouses do have it tough and make difficult sacrifices. But over the course of their day, most of them aren’t required to make split second decisions that could cost the lives of themselves, their team or other people.
Orion, I’m not sure what line of work you’re in, but stick around. If you’re combat arms, I can promise you that it gets a lot tougher.
My advice to men in America: marry a midwest women.
Even after 27 years of marriage, my Kansas farm girl (now age 67) has what it takes to keep it all going strong. Even when things really, really went to hell for a while.
Totally agree – I’m from CA but married a gal from Ohio at age 22. I’m 32 now and tell all my unmarried friends to go to the midwest to find a wife.
That may have been true in 1985, but now it is a different generation even in the midwest.
1) A lot of young girls there are now obese.
2) The few that aren’t, and are thus attractive, get all the male attention, so they have had 10 sexual parters by age 25. They are no more suitable for marriage than New York chicks.
1985 vs. 2012 is a big difference, I am afraid. Facebook alone causes women to have a huge distortion about what their value to the world is.
Women have no idea what they’re in for within the coming decades.
Remember – you did it to yourselves. You abdicated all common sense and wisdom passed down from the ages and decided you were going to have it all, and use men as your ATM.
It’s sad. It’s a shame. And you dopes bought into it.
The great social engineering experiments that the libs keep trying keep blowing up in their faces and yet they keep trying them. They never, but never, learn.
A lot of hopelessly bitter guys out there don’t seem to realize that there ARE nice women out there, and plenty of them. Yeah, the legal system’s stacked, but the way to avoid that is to have a relationship that works in the first place (and to avoid relationships with women who don’t deserve to be in one, natch).
“…the way to avoid that is to have a relationship that works in the first place…”
That is very naive. People change as they age, which means relationships can easily go downhill. If that girl isn’t so nice five years into your marriage, then you’re stuck with the legal system.
You don’t want a “nice” woman as a wife or girlfriend, you want a “feminine” woman. A bitter American broad can be “nice” in order function in the world, yet still exhibit unfeminine traits such as aggressiveness, tattoos, trashy clothes, obesity, etc. This is why where I live, in Southern California, Asian girls are the most desired for wives and girlfriends–they are extremely feminine. They are gentle and polite, don’t have tatoos, wear feminine clothes, and are nice and slender. This is the kind of girl you want.
Lots of guys think women of another race are more feminine and beautiful than their own. I see two problems with this logic:
* If her race is more beautiful than yours, why pollute it with your inferior genes? Your wife will bear daughters less beautiful (by your standards) than she.
* If you marry a very feminine woman of any race, your sons will tend to be less manly than you. This is most obvious in North Korea’s Kim dynasty. Kim Il Sung was a real man, Jong Il was a movie-obsessed tyrant, and Jong Un is a total lardass girly-man (whose older brother was passed over for being gay). All married delicate feminine flower-ladies.
Your children will belong to no race — whites will see them as Asians and Asians will see them as white. That could be a problem if our current racial Kumbaya breaks down.
One reason true multicultural societies reject intermarriage is that it excludes women of the manlier race and men of the more feminine race. Their loneliness causes social tension, or it did before women had “careers” and men had video games and porn.
I’m not talking about genetics–lets stay on topic, ok?
My point is that Asian girls make great girlfriends and wives because they are more feminine than Western girls. Too many Western women have drank the feminist bile which holds they should reject everything that defines them as a woman, and instead become more masculine, hence the tattoos, etc. Many Western men (at least where I live) are ignoring these so-called “women” in favor of Asians, who do not reject femininity. If Western women didn’t drink the poison, and behaved like actual women, they wouldn’t be in this kind of position.
As a man, I don’t like chicks who aren’t feminine. No real man does. Your average man prefers slender sweet girls, not walking refrigerators with attitudes. That’s why Asians are so successful in this area, and that is why I prefer them as girlfriends.
Sure there are excellent marriage prospects out there. People who would make great wives. Unfortunatly, most are already married, and the rest are nearly impossible to tell from the divorce court bandits who are just laying in wait for a victim. Does one act like the other or do they simply have common behavior training in common? Hard to tell. I’d be married if I could the difference.
Easier to just switch to women of a different culture.
It’s that “vision thing”. Boys and girls no longer have a vision for what it means to be a mature man or woman in our society. Until that changes, even those that follow this advice will only be going through the motions…
A friend of mine once told me he would never marry an American girl/woman. He married a Japanese. I think it lasted 10-15 years. A few years ago he married a Russian–met over the internet. Inauspicious, to say the least. Divorce just final, and he’s moved away.
I’ve married two American women, both good cooks. First one died. Second one had a horrible husband, and appreciates me deeply.
I’ve been single for 8 years after a divorce ended my 25 year marriage. I haven’t been heavy into the dating world, but enough to learn some lessons. I believe a lot of middle aged women hate their ex husbands so much that they want to date men so they can be rude to them, lead them on, eat and drink their money, etc., but they’re not at all looking for a relationship. Yes, of course there are nice women out there, but when I overhear a woman ask “where are all the good men?” I think, “They’re at home watching football because they’re tired of you.”
Here is a poll on the prevalance of misandry.
Y’all should go vote in it.
My husband and I were married August 8th, 1982. We are and always have been best friends. The other day he said to me, One of the things I love about you and am so grateful for, is that you don’t get angry and you don’t criticize me. My mother once said to me: You have to be gentle with men. Don’t ever put them down.
And for God’s sake, be nice to them.
True story: when I was seventeen I threw a birthday party for my fifteen year old cat. I’m the youngest of seven children and spent much of my childhood around elderly people. A retired couple was invited to the cat birthday party and when the husband tasted the cake I’d made, he said “Boy, she’s going to make someone a great wife!” It was 1977 and I was a smart, independent teenage girl, and that comment made me proud.
I love men. They’re funny, intense, it makes you feel good to make them happy, they have good hearts and they understand that life is hard for everybody.
P.S. I annoyed my feminist mother in law once by saying that I often use the “Husband Test” when choosing whether or not to vote for a male politician.
I have been with my wife 10 years total and we are happily married with 3 kids. Her parents have been married for 42 years and her younger sister has already been married for 11 years. As I look back on my dating life (I was 30 when I met my wife in 2001), I noticed one common trend. All the best girls I dated, their parents were together and for a long time. All the worst ones came from single Moms or homes where Mom and Dad were divorced and they saw Dad on weekends. That’s my advice for what to look for. Nevertheless, as long as there are polls like the one I saw this week, that single women and single Moms prefer Obama 2 to 1 over Romney, the Democrats will do what they can to make sure there are many unmarried and single Moms as possible.
I had the same experience with men. The good ones, including my husband, came from intact families.
I am a woman who came from the kind of lousy broken home you describe. I have been married for eleven happy years a wonderful man whose parents are about to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary. I knew what to look for when I chose my husband, he saw the potential in me and I have dedicated my life to serving God, my husband and our four children, in that order. I honor him and he honors me and we have a solid, successful, productive, peaceful family. It’s a sad and illogical thought that you think that girls like the one I once was should automatically be counted out as possible marriage partners because of circumstances that they had no control over and that may or may not determine what kind of wives and mothers they will becomes. Adversity is often an effective teacher.
Ruby, you’re somewhat of an exception but there are enough people like you that Vinny’s comment should be corrected: look for someone whose parents are happily married, OR who sees the downside of his or her childhood experiences and has a willingness to change his or learned behavior in order to become a good spouse.
The intact family thing works for guys, too — they’re usually nicer if their parents were together.
So good girls should look to families … but some, like me with parents thrice divorced on each side, some of us damaged folk are smart enough to know they’re damaged and go looking for a friend to spend the rest of their lives with, and to love.
The word I’m missing somewhat on this thread is commitment; and the fact that most successful marriages are due to mutual commitment.
Of course, marrying a non-American whose parents stayed together was also a lucky stroke for me, too.
I advise a year or so dating, without sex, before marriage — become a real friend. Then be committed. Then have great sex. (And maybe 3 or 4! or more kids). And a great life.
A good news here is that there exists a market for books that tells blue old “maids” what’s wrong with them. Obviously they realize that they have some sort of character flaw and they want to be straightened out.
Re: 16. Tarola, “My advice to men in America: marry a midwest women.
Even after 27 years of marriage, my Kansas farm girl (now age 67) has what it takes to keep it all going strong. Even when things really, really went to hell for a while.”
I have been very happily married to a woman from small-town America – a Kansan in fact – for 21 years, and I tell anyone who will listen that there are plenty of wonderful gals in small towns all over this country – my wife is beautiful, self-reliant, with great traditional values, intelligent, funny and a blast to be around. She can dress up with the best of them, but then be a complete tomboy, too. She could have had her pick of just about any man, but for some reason she thinks the sun comes up in the morning because I wanted it to; I’m very lucky and I know it. A woman like that – she’ll be beside you through thick and thin. I can’t imagine life without her.
Are there a few ringers? Yeah, sure – but they are far outnumbered by the gems. Guys, get yourself a small town girl – you’ll never regret it.
Re: “A retired couple was invited to the cat birthday party and when the husband tasted the cake I’d made, he said “Boy, she’s going to make someone a great wife!” It was 1977 and I was a smart, independent teenage girl, and that comment made me proud.” SNAB, you are a catch; your husband is a lucky man. Re: “P.S. I annoyed my feminist mother in law once by saying that I often use the “Husband Test” when choosing whether or not to vote for a male politician.” Your stock just went up some more…
Why thank you, Georgiaboy, I’m sure that your lovely wife thinks the same of you!
Great post, great point, and great conversation generated. I never did read any advice books about womanhood, femininity, or marriage, but luckily my parents served as pretty good examples, so I muddled my way thru to a hopefully unselfish and unbitchy persona, well, unselfish at least . . .
congrats on the lanche!
To find a good spouse: Be a person of good character, and look for a man or woman of good character. Toad’s comment made me laugh; he’s shallow and verbally contemptuous (they’re all fat, or sluts), but still can’t find anyone in the whole Midwest to marry! lol
No one wants to hear it, but: couples who practice NFP have a divorce rate of around 5% or less. We gained more respect for each other and our natural capabilities, and our marriage improved greatly once we stopped using contraceptives. (BTW, when you look at the “failure” rate of NFP, it has a lot to do with the way your view on children changes. We stopped thinking of them as terrible things to avoid, and recognized that they’re a physical manifestation of our devotion to each other, so that we stopped trying so hard to not have more kids.)
“To find a good spouse: Be a person of good character, and look for a man or woman of good character.”
This, so very much this. A big part of America’s problem right now? *Both* sexes are so busy belittling each other and battling for control that actually treating each other like human beings is unthinkable.
I’ve been reading comments on this subject from several conservative and libertarian blogs, and wish what I read there gave me hope. Unfortunately, though there are exceptions- bless you men and women who value your spouses and loved ones!- I read a disturbing amount of posts that amount to ‘Yeah, b****es. You’re all gonna get yours.’ Someone tell me how this is going to help solve the problem? When I see conservative women almost apologizing for being women so they won’t get flamed to a crisp by the very angry men venting their disgust with the entire female gender, it’s honestly disturbing. This problem isn’t going to be solved by tearing women down, it’s going to be solved by both men and women deciding that liberal feminism is the enemy. Men- your solution to feminism’s knife in your back is to treat women twice as badly as you’re being treated now? Then we will _never_, any of us, get through this sanely. Real men don’t have to rip women apart to prove themselves.
Women- if you’re reading this and you’re afraid that the venomous description of us sounds familiar? For your sake and the sake of those you love-grow up. Start trying to figure out where you can start changing. Real women don’t have to rip men apart to prove themselves.
(Married 25 years to a wonderful man, in case you’re wondering. We both have had to sacrifice along the way, but we both support each other through good and bad. Real relationships take work on *both* sides.)
well, the malice? even in victorian england the marriage rate wasn’t 100%. It was closer to 75%. A great many people were considered unsuitable marriage partners. I think in the 50s a great number of unsuitable marriage partners were pressured into matrimony. Then, with great vigor, they set about making everyone miserable. And, well, a pot lid off a pot and on a string is a loud gong.
I think the enraged bachelors are men who can’t quite even see decent women. But then, I also see women who aren’t exactly clear on what good character in a man looks like. Or, for that matter, in a woman.