10 Myths from the Mommy Wars
Just when you thought it was safe to search Pinterest for a sexy apron, a new skirmish in the Mommy Wars erupts in time for Mother’s Day and — purely by coincidence, I’m sure — a new election cycle.
When Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen accused Ann Romney (a mother of five) of having “never worked a day in her life,” both working moms and stay-at-home moms alike drew new battle lines. However, I can’t help but notice that the theater has changed.
The old feminist guard has grown as obsolete as their eight-tracks. A new generation of moms views power and choice in ways that surprise many feminists.
One such feminist, Wendy S. Goffe, wrote a guest post at Forbes.com (“A Working Mom Defends the Lululemon Stay at Home Mother“) and inadvertently stumbled across a tripwire, setting off a firestorm of criticism that pelted her with “emotional” comments. In response, Goffe wrote another post titled “Who Started the Mommy Wars?” where she writes,
In short, my effort to bridge what I saw as the mommy gap seemed to just accentuate what turned out to be the Mommy Wars.
[snip]
For Mother’s Day, let’s declare a truce on the Mommy Wars. Instead of bashing one another, let’s communicate amongst ourselves about what we need and what we can offer each other–a sort of free flowing Craigslist.
I understood what she tried to say. She sincerely tried to get women to see past a perceived social status and outward appearance so, as she put it, “We can lead happier, more fulfilling and less guilty lives as parents.”
Before there can be a ceasefire in the Mommy Wars, and the communication lines can freely flow, we need to stop believing the Mommy Myths. Here are 10 of the worst.
If you’re educated enough to educate your own children, you can ensure they get quality education without paying a dime.
Exactly.
And it lets your kids escape from the proggy indoctrination that they would get in government schools (and, alas, even in some private and parochial schools).
Not true. You’ll pay property taxes (which fund schools in most states) whether you educate them or someone else does. Moreover, taxes aside, there are costs associated with educating them yourself (materials, supplies, learning aids, books, etc.) as those things are not free.
In a more “just” society than ours, those who homeschooled their children would get an exemption on their property tax. Most likely this would encourage more families to homeschool instead of sending their children to some low grade public school with a bored teacher sitting there in front of them whose major task is not teaching, but keeping her charges disciplined. Also every child should have a public library card (one of the best possible sources of knowledge yet) and if possible, access to a computer. With more homeschoolers, there would be better educational software to boot.
Government more and more appears to be “the problem” than “the solution”…
I. Want. That. Poster.
After spending 22 years at home raising eight kids, I think it’s not healthy to spend every waking moment with your children, nor is it healthy to spend none of your children’s waking moments with them. In between is a whole lot of normal, and a lot of different decisions that have to be made. Sounds like Linda Hirshman is a twit; if she has any children, they’re probably in therapy or on drugs.
How true, Jeanette. This whole argument is between Ivy League feminists and real women, and always has been. Women have never been excluded from business life. It’s just that SOMEONE had to raise those damn kids so they didn’t grow up to be menaces, and they were the natural and logical ones to do it. The feminists who did manage to reproduce have the most screwed up kids in the world, by far!
Noone should be surprised at the vitriol on display, now. There is a large, vocal body afoot, which for the first time in many, many years, is calling all liberal shibboleths what they are: idiotic and destructive. Of course they’re pissed, and seeing as how they have no real, logical answers to the questions being raised, they just turn mean and nasty. There is no substance to their arguments, and there never was.
Every woman in my generation grew up in a home with a Mommy, who was always there. By the late ’70s, they all wanted to know, “Why can’t I stay at home, too?”
They can all thank idiots like Ms. Hirshmann, who, like the balance of her bleeding heart ilk, somehow don’t see that if it weren’t for cheap immigrant, off-the-books help, they couldn’t manage it at all. They believe in civil rights, just not for their nannies.
How true Jeanette. Just google Linda Hirshman and find out that she’s childless except for the ones on drugs. How did you guess?
except for the ones all married, gainfully employed, grandchild-producing. Just like most of the offspring of us Ivy League liberals. Let’s see, Ivy League educated, lifelong market laborers, feminists’ children on drugs. Not a big category, true Jeanette.
Myself, not having attained a four-year degree, but through simple exposure throughout life—and, in upwards of 30yr with a woman—I think that, in one way or in another, the very largest share of the so-called Ivy League folks, if not sodomites, themselves, are supporters or enablers of sodomy, and are also, in a kind of denial of “man as the social creature”, purveyors as they are, of the notion that, the contagions which sodomites inadvertently nurture behind locked doors is no one’s business but their own, . . .
And with this, I can say without fear of successful contradiction that, while many men will go to war upon thought of safety, security, and providence for a woman and the children which she is to bear, only a statistically insignificant number of those men would consider going to war for devotees to the sodomite life-style. So, should some wish to injure the USA, I think that, installation of the elements of sodomy into acceptable military protocol, would be a strong and virulent beginning, . . . and perhaps, most signal to an ending, . . .
Then, for: “Although it is harder to shatter a ceiling that is also the roof over your head, there is no other choice.”, that, a so-called Ivy League writer would use “hard” instead of “difficult”—but specifically, “harder” instead of “more difficult”—but also, is pleased to use “that”, in place of “which”, is odd, . . .
But, finally, looking for any simple content, as the wise man wrote so long ago: “A foolish woman pulleth apart her house with her own hands.”. And while I think that, that saying is once again to be proved true, probably, though in benefit of foresight for some women, for some others, for visible proof, they will be just too late, . . .
Those things now having been mentioned, probably as an example for all of the go-get-’em feminist types, L. Hirshman recommends that, the status of women generally is to be advanced by work—women going to work, but, I think more importantly as a necessary element in further separating mothers from their children, . . . and, in denial of the fact that, “getting ahead” or attainment of position is not mainly to be achieved through work, . . . despite the fact that, for a time, they have been able to contribute the growth in the length of home mortgages, from 5yr, in the 1920′s, to 7yr, in the forties, to 11 and 15yr, to 20 and 25yr, in the 60′s, now to 30yr and finally, forever mortgages, . . . Although those in some professional positions might favor such, I don’t consider such achievement as “chasin’ Jason” so, to have been done in the way of actual gain for happiness and permanency for the average family, . . .
But also, I think it appropriate that, a great many of those women who are so minded have short hair—serving as at least some warning in outward representation of the inward self which is in a kind of denial of womanhood; but equally, of course, the men sporting their tresses, in a similar denial of the responsibilities of manhood.
While I can agree with our dear “Linda Hirshman” in saying as she does: “I think there are better lives and worse lives.”, to my observation, while—as Linda Hirshman” has done—some women do advance through work, to the greatest extents—and, not always necessarily only to be seen in the heart of hearts, but—much of their womanhood, their self, is left in the dust, . . .
And, I would say that, as throughout the frozen mellenia of time past, men have cared for women, our dear “Linda Hirshman”‘s advocacy of the get-ahead women by dint of mere work, is most reminiscent of the vaporous fantasy which is (No, it’s not a “vaporous fantasy THAT is . . . .”.) tacitly transpired to so many young men that, maybe they can “make it in sports”, . . .
But in all of this, to our dear “Linda Hirshman” and any of her apostles, I don’t know what on earth the opinion of a man might be worth, . . . unless, he preferred life say, as a self-denigrating OWS type, . . .
I am a post-grad educated stay at home mom. There are many reaosns for this-not he least being the fact htat I started with twins immediately after college, and daycare times 2 (quickly 4) on a started salary is alosing proposition. But hte greatest reason is..they are My kids. I want to be the one who kisses their owies and tells them what “sexy” means when they start using it in every sentence and sees their excitement on their face when they discover something new. I have my whole life to work (and I will!) but I have precious few years to be the center of my children’s world, and I don’t intend to squander that time.
And no, we aren’t rich. Not even close. We almost qualified for foodstamps after the first 2 babies. But we own one car- a used one- and we vacation at Gma’s house instead of Florida, and we don’t eat out, and I buy everything possible used,and I’ve learned to do everything from plumbing to framing to avoid having to pay others for repairs. Staying home to raise my own kids isn’t a luxury, it’s a choice. If I hear one more $50k SUV-driving, 3000 sq ft house-owning, vacation-taking, dressed to the 9′s woman tell me how she “has” to work for her family, I’ll puke. Work if that’s what works for you-we all need to know what we’re best at in life- but own the decision, don’t try to cop out on finances when you spend more than any human “needs” to.
RE: “Now the glass ceiling begins at home. Although it is harder to shatter a ceiling that is also the roof over your head, there is no other choice.” Linda R. Hirshman
The following by, by Marx, is, I believe, why the stay at home mom is so dangerous. She dares to inculcate her values into her children, not the values of the overweening State.
“…the Communists “plead guilty” to wanting to do away with present familial relations, in that they want to stop the exploitation of children by their parents.” Karl Marx
RE: “The tasks of housekeeping and child-rearing, are not worthy of the full time and talents of intelligent and educated human beings.” Linda R. Hirshman
If you don’t have your degree proving you’ve graduated from Indoctrination U, you have no right to exploit your children by raising them in your value system. I live in Iowa. After the flood waters receded a representative of our government told a local farmer he could go back out on his land now and “this is what you will do.” The farmer replied “We’ve been farming this land for three generations. I think I know what to do with my land.” The official said “You will do what we tell you to do or you will be in violation of the law.” Those kids you call your own? They aren’t yours, they belong to the “society.” (and, by the way, if cleaning house and raising kids is not worthy of human labour, then who’s going to do them?)
This is not a mommy war. This is a war for the existence of our traditional American society and our children are the building blocks of the future. Reagan was right, our freedom is never more than one generation from extinction. Who’s going to raise the next generation?
Raising children is hard work, but it is the most rewarding career of a womans life. Having said that, why is this woman exploiting her own child (who, I might add, will be totally devastated when classmates bring this up in high school)for her own gain? This is not classy. Sure there are mom’s out there who nurse their children up until this age, and that is their right to do so. Although, I say in America, two years old should be the limit since we have more resources than many other countries. First the media tells us not to have such a close relationship with our children so they can indoctrinate them, and then they say nurse them until they are four or five years old. I say do what you want to do in your own home in private and do not advertise it for all to see. Good Grief!
“freedom is never more than one generation from extinction. Who’s going to raise the next generation?”
Exactly. My wife is “stay at home” not because I don’t want a second income in the house (that would be nice) and not because she’s “unqualified” for the workforce. She’s actually better qualified than me for the modern world.
But she stays at home with our child because its morally important to us for her to BE there. To be THE PRIMARY caregiver, explainer, question answerer, shower, encourager, “oh-wow” er, scraped knee healer, rock turner, and butterfly chaser for this all-important, irreplaceable phase of our childs life.
All his “victories” witnessed and validated by the one he wants most to see his achievements…and the first attempts, those awkward imperfect struggles, and the failures too. All of that is “ours”, nothing hidden, missed or regretted by anyone. No coming home and “explaining” with a “you should have seen it” tone in his voice, all the cool things he saw and did. Whatever he did today, he did with mom cheering him on…
She is creating bonds and memories he will have forever. He knows his parents are raising him full time, and he’s getting a healthy dose of our morality every day. Our priorities, our convictions…he can ask any question that pops in his head, about any subject, any word, and immediately get THE appropriate answer that complies with our standards, instantly.
It is costly and tiring, and sometimes not much fun…but I liken it to my time in Marine Infantry…
While you are sweating in the mud under a heavy load, or staggering nearly asleep on a frostbitten night, exhausted with a two-hour watch still ahead of you, you question the value of this particular event. You sometimes even DEEPLY regret your decision to “be here”. But later, in perspective, the big picture emerges and you see how these inconveniences and hardships defined you character, and validate your commitment to something worthy. How YOU are a better person for it, how your perseverance effects others ahead of you, and honors those behind.
Sure, maybe he’d rather have the cooler toys and hipper clothes that a second income would have brought (if theirs anything left over after paying for daycare?) But I dont think so.
We see plenty of distracted unhappy teens in the pseudo-yuppie town that we struggle in, with our single income…..we see pretty girls, the lovely the offspring of busy executives and their shop-a-holic “trophy” wives, that are Ecstasy and Heroin dabblers, who sleep around at 14, that cut themselves from stress and self loathing, purge/puke to stay slim, or pierce their faces for attention.
And young boys who vandalize 150 year old covered bridges, burning them to the ground out of boredom, because that new BMW lost its appeal by the second time it needed to be washed. Fashionably dressed with the latest gadgets, college bound, handsome , athletic….and completely hollow.
All of them from “successful” dual career households, with all the perks we cant afford, like expensive Day-Care, nannies and scheduled after school activities, all so Dad AND Mom can both be gone from 8 till 6, Monday through Friday, for 18 consecutive years.
And you have to wonder, just what sort of Government will THESE kids vote for, when the time comes?
An absolutely marvelous response. I want to post it everywhere!
Oorah, well said, sir. The MOST important mission for a mother, inh male o, is rearing children who will contribute to society, not be a drain upon it.
And watch as the close of a 20, or more, mile hump still was dreadful, but had to be done. If you don’t do it when you’re training, you won’t be able to handle it when you must.
Cheers leatherneck!
You are playing into the leftist playbook by using the leftist’s terminology. Here, let me fix that for you:
We have five children. My wife now works as an executive assistant. the children are gone. I will never let her off of her pedestal. She deserves so much more.By saying that she is a blessing is an understatement. Without mothers humanity, mankind,aand life in a of itself would be dead. I know very mature women who chose not to have children in favor of a career and every single one of them live a life of perpetual regret and lonliness. No I do not ask out of respect of their choice.
I consider myself very fortunate that I was able to stay home and raise my children. We bought our house, made our first mortgage payment, said to ourselves that we could afford this and tried to start a family. Three years of fertility treatments later I was expecting twins. But during this three years, we lived poor. We stopped magazine subscriptions, we mooched meals from our parents, we brought our lunches to work,we stopped eating out and going to the movies. Homemade pizza and blockbuster was our entertainment. We would wear our cloths one more time before going to the cleaners. With the savings we put every dime to prepaying the mortgage. Birthday and Christmas money went to the mortgage. When we got a salary increase, we didn’t increase our spending to the new level but stayed at the old one. The extra went to the mortgage. We had a 3 yr arm that changed 35 days after the twins were born. Because of our frugal ways, we paid $25,000 and were able to convert to a fixed rate at .01% lower than our arm. With that and calculating how much we would save on work expenses vs staying home. It was a no brainer. I stayed home with my children. Best job I ever had. Would not have been able to do it, if we hadn’t practiced being frugal.
When my son was about 18, we were watching a “60 Minutes” interview with Ms. Hirshman (or her clone) when she made the remark that rearing children was not a worthy use of time and education for women. My son’s response was something along the lines of, “Who does that woman think she is? She doesn’t know anything about how important raising a child is!” It was at about this time that he thanked his father and me for sacrificing so that I could be a full-time mom until he went to school, and a working-part-time mom during his school years. Big financial hit? Absolutely; we’ll never really make it up. Gratitude from my son? Priceless!
Here I was hoping this topic was finished, done, put to bed yrs. ago. ALL women are working women — it’s just that some work outside the home & recv. a salary, others work inside the home & recv. gratitude (yes, prob. deferred, but coming nevertheless). Contrary to a prev. commenter, not all women who work outside WANT to, but literally have no choice.
I had to work outside the home for $$. As a single mom of 2 sons, I spent yrs. feeling pulled apart. I either wasn’t the best mom I could be, or wasn’t the best employee I could be. Loose/loose, esp. since I’d been raised to do the best I could, no matter *what* I was doing. The “if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right” school of thought.
For yrs. I hit the ground running around 5 a.m., so I could get everybody up, fed, dressed & ready to go with as little stress as poss., and be at work at 8. Worked hard to be outstanding employee, and eventually moved up. Still had to do PTSA, snacks, costumes, etc., and make it to school for spec. events. Picked up kids by 5:30 p.m. Walked into house, and went back into mom mode. Start dinner, start laundry, eat, dishes, finish laundry — all between supervising homework, bath time, reading stories before bed, bedtime cuddles. Then finish whatever chores I hadn’t gotten to earlier that couldn’t wait for the wknd. Collapse by 10 (I *never* got to see the next day’s weather the night before; couldn’t stay awake). I had no family in town, so calling upon anyone else wasn’t an option unless I wanted to pay a babysitter, and there wasn’t enough wiggle room in the budget for that to happen more than a few times a year (and then usually work-related).
In retrospect, those yrs. went zipping by, but at the time it was a blur with many gray, dingy days. The only things making it bearable at all were my sons. I’m not saying I deserve any more/less credit than any other mom. Sometimes you’ve gotta play the hand you’re dealt, and do it the best way you know how at the time, with the resources you’ve got.
But it benefits/helps no one to have women sniping at each other. I’ve been on both sides of the fence; both have +/-. Neither is easier/harder. I don’t see this as an either/or deal. And find it appalling so many people DO see so starkly in black or white, when almost always *reality* is some shade of gray.
Btw, both my boys went on to join the military, 4-5 yr. hitches. Then school, and both are doing well – prod. members of their communities. One grandkid so far. And despite some stormy teen yrs. (redundant, I know, as stormy = teen
we have excellent adult relationships, and I know as mom I’m loved & respected very much.