Retail Stores Staff Up On Soldiers In Hopes of Forcing ‘Best Christmas Ever’
The recession hit most American business hard, in particular the real estate industry, but perhaps the second hardest hit was Big Retail. Retail sales growth was achingly slow over the past few years and this year is expected to be no different, in spite of a not terrible Black Friday that showed the corpse is only MOSTLY dead. This holiday season, in a push to improve sales numbers retailers won’t be pointlessly staffing up on retail sales staff. Instead, they are buying extra soldiers and the latest in weapons technology to guarantee shoppers will buy more this year.
Buy this lego transformer kit or else!! Oh, and Merry Christmas.
Big Retail has always held a gun to our head to buy the latest Elmo doll, fluffy pink robe, or tool set every Christmas, but this year the stakes are higher as bankruptcies loom. Retailers aren’t willing to rely on the usual tactics of isolated violence and intimidation, emotional manipulation, and predatory pricing. They are bringing out the literal “big guns.” Several of the major national retail chains met at a Starbucks in Colorado over the summer to agree on and flesh out the details for the offensive. They passed a resolution to increase spending for “boots on the ground.” Recruitment offices were opened from coast to coast. One insider says Wal-Mart hired enough solders that every household in America could be paid one visit between now and December 25th. But no one thinks that will be necessary.
No! Not Elmo! Ahhhhhhhhh!
“It just simplifies things,” said James Bass, CEO of big box toy retailer Kids Korner. “It never made sense to make a product people wanted, or to lure them in with promotions or even with Santa Claus. All that was window dressing over the gun we held anyway. We tried giving people choices and look at the mess the economy is in!”
To pay for this mercenary buildup, stores have cut costs by dispensing with the usual glossy, Christmas catalogs replete with enticing goodies; Christmas decorations and extra customer service; and cinnamon-laced apple cider, gift wrapping, and other typical freebies. This year retailers acknowledge it was never about convincing people anyway since capitalism, i.e., free trade, is a vicious use of corporatist force inflicted on the poor and middle class. Instead, shoppers will receive simple invitations, randomly generated, telling each and every American what they must buy from the store by December 24th.
Actually, Christmas shopping is a Fearfest, which is why I try to get most of it done by early fall at the latest, or online. However, I can support hiring soldiers to force the issue. After all, they’re going to need jobs when they get out, and what better way to give them saleable skills that they can use in new careers, like bar bouncer, button man, or potential assassin?
That’s what lefties think they do anyway.
Well, the Mafia is always on the lookout for fresh muscle. (High attrition rate, y’know.)
Clever! Actually, I’ve made comments before, in various places, da**ing the evil Walmart stormtroopers who round up people shopping in Uncle Jack’s Hardware and march them up to Walmart.
As always Sunny is golden. I love the video.
“A Marine’s Christmas Song” Marine Corps Master Sgt. Robert Allen, deployed to Camp Leatherneck, Afghanistan, plays a song he wrote for his wife for Christmas. Allen joins the thousands of military men and women deployed this holiday season in support of counterinsurgency efforts in Afghanistan. He said he hopes his Christmas song “will help people understand that the though we’re willing to do, it’s still heartbreaking.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=TT2WbneONWw#!
I have a feeling this is due to the tax rebates included in the last non budgeted spending agreement.
The guys deserve our respect, but I wasn’t picturing uniformed military personnel used as props just to boost the bottom line of retail stores and their stock prices. Let these heroes keep ALL of the money.
My coffeemaker sprung a leak of “Titanic” proportions yesterday and off I went bright and early to Bed,Bath, and Beyond in search of a replacement. MISTAKE!, just like going to Kohl’s Friday.
In the words of Bill the Cat, Ack!. Sorry friends and family, not going to happen, coal in your stockings.
The best thing they could promote is getting rid of sales tax; why would I pay 7% on a big ticket item when I can use the internet? In my state, when I was a kid, there was no sales tax. Then there was, 3%, now 7%. It’ll be 10 next. It’ll never go away unless we make it. Then gov’t would spend responsibly instead of paying for muslims to have schools, women without husbands to live independently with cable TV and other wise decisions. If you don’t act, the gov’t will eventually do the internet too.