'The NARAL Cory Gardner Ad, in Full'

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“Forget the Wendy Davis wheelchair ad. NARAL, an extreme pro-abortion group, just nominated its own entry for worst campaign ad of 2014,” the Federalist notes:

The new NARAL ad in Colorado suggests that Cory Gardner wants to ban condoms. Not just the pill, but condoms. Because nothing says “I want to ban birth control” like wanting to make birth control…available over-the-counter without a prescription.

According to NARAL, wanting to make birth control over-the-counter is the same as banning it, and that will cause condoms, which are also available over-the-counter, to disappear entirely from stores. Or something.

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In all seriousness, congratulations to NARAL for airing what might be the dumbest ad of 2014. According to the Real Clear Politics poll average in Colorado, Gardner leads Democratic Sen. Mark Udall by 3 percentage points.

At the NRO Corner, Charles C. W. Cooke has an exclusive Iowahawk-style satiric transcript of the extended rough cut version of the ad; the following is merely a small sample:

With Colorado’s airwaves packed in the final days of the state’s Senate race, NARAL had to cut down its last-ditch anti-Cory Gardner advertisement for length. The full version, as obtained by National Review:

Woman: Did you try Whole Foods?

Man: Of course.

Woman: Grocery store?

Man: Sold out.

Woman: Farmer’s market?

Man: Come on.

Woman: So everyone’s sold out of ramen noodles? How did this happen?

Man: With that personhood decree, Cory Gardner banned anything that could hurt an unborn child. And now, we’re starving. Alcohol was just the start. Raw meat? Cory banned it. Seafood? Gone. No more pâté, fruit, Caesar dressing, sushi . . .

Woman: That one hurts the most.

Man: . . . eggs, Tiramisu, coffee. After food stamps were abolished. I had to eat those old Pell Grant applications just to stay alive. Sometimes I envy Barack Obama. At least they feed him on Elba.

So Colorado leftists fear that Gardner will turn Colorado into a cross between California and New York! Rocky Mountain hipsters — who presumably have lurking within them the deep-seated nanny state urge to “ban everything and then ban it again” that manifests itself once they become elected officials should love the guy — or at least the fantasy hologram they’ve built of him.