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Ed Driscoll

Come Back Klinton Spilsbury, All is Forgiven!

July 4th, 2013 - 1:52 pm
johnny_depp_lone_ranger_premiere_7-5-13-1

Depp at Lone Ranger premiere. To be fair, being able to feign this level of enthusiasm when offering up a cinematic turkey is itself pretty darn good acting.
(Photo by Featureflash / Shutterstock.com)

The Johny Depp Lone Ranger movie, at least based on early box office results, is shaping up to be quite the bomb. (Matt Drudge dubbed it “Kemobombe” earlier this week.) First, there’s the running time; like all too many Hollywood action movies today, the Lone Ranger is an inversion of the Catskills joke Woody Allen tells at the start of Annie Hall: The food here is terrible — and such large portions, too. The Atlantic describes “A Punishingly Overlong Lone Ranger,” clocking in at 149 painful minutes:

As cinematic sins go, excessive length is hardly an original one. The delusion that bigger will always be better—that each additional plot twist will somehow signify ingenuity rather than desperation—is by now a fundamental operating principle in Hollywood. Blockbuster directors demand movies large enough to house their egos; the studios are in a state of near-constant panic (and theater owners even more so); genuine storytelling is migrating to television; a lengthy series of explosions translates seamlessly in Beijing or Rio de Janeiro; and on and on.

But to quote Jerry Seinfeld, something’s gotta give. I’m sure if I set my mind to it, I could name a recent big-budget film that would have benefited from greater length. But a list of the big-budget films that would have been substantially improved by a zealous trim is… well, awfully similar to a list of big-budget films, period. I can’t say whether I might enjoy a Transformers movie that was under two hours long—but one reason that I can’t say is because the ones that Michael Bay has offered up to us have clocked in at 144, 149, and 154 minutes respectively. And it’s not just the summer blockbusters: Les Miserables was a polished, well-crafted film that labored under the misconception that viewers wanted to pass the 19th century in real time. And don’t get me started on Peter Jackson’s first installment of The Hobbit or, like the movie itself, I might never stop. The only 140-minute-plus movie of the past two years that I can recall fully earning its running time was Zero Dark Thirty.

The liberal sci-fi-themed io9 Website’s review of the Lone Ranger doesn’t make the film sound like an enjoyable nine hours in the movie theater:

What makes the Lone Ranger finally embrace the need for his mask, and hence the whole “secret identity” thing? In a nutshell, he realizes his fellow white men are corrupt, and complicit in the mass murder of Tonto’s fellow Native Americans. If he takes the mask off, then he too will wind up becoming complicit. Yes, that’s right — in this film, the Lone Ranger’s mask is made of White Guilt.

And in fact, the only function the Native Americans in this film have, other than Tonto, is to die horribly so that the Lone Ranger will have a catalyst to make him Man Up.

But it’s more than that. We tend to think of superhero movies as power fantasies, in which the use of America’s status as a superpower is reflected by the hero struggling to use his or her power responsibly. But Lone Ranger seems to be making the case that the real seductive fantasy of these stories is absolution from blame — the Lone Ranger gets the Native American seal of approval from Tonto, as long as he’s wearing the mask. He gets surcease from America’s original sin.

That’s the secret of superheroes, according to this film: Peter Parker is a Tool of the Man, but Spider-Man is a free agent. Bruce Wayne is a capitalist running dog, but Batman fights for the little guy.

And that’s why you deserve to suffer. Because a lot of innocent people had to die to make your costume fantasy possible, you bastards.

Yeah, that’s the message I want to take away from a summer escapist comic book movie.

More — sadly not Clayton Moore, alas — right after the page break.

Comments are closed.

Top Rated Comments   
"I said it before, and I’ll say it again, I’m sick and tired of being lectured by leftists and race whores blaming me and trying to shame me for things I didn’t do. And I’m not going to pay them or give them my money."


Why does anything more need to be said?

Why does this movie even need a review.

Why is anyone who considers himself a patriot supporting Hollywood in any way?

"Aid and comfort to the enemy in time of war"

40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
People would be better off if they just accepted history as history and quit trying to rewrite it. It is what it was, no more, no less. It cannot be changed, it cannot be bought and sold on the silver screen.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
Since one needs only read Bernal Diaz's description of Montezuma's deadly arsenal to know native Americans were in no way adverse to violence, the real objection to is not violence, but success. So, these morons would've been happy if we'd have been pushed back into the sea? I mean, what the hell are they even talking about? Do they really think native Americans were doe-eyed Bambis, or that they killed or enslaved virtually every early shipwrecked Spaniard they got their hands on. Hollywood is changing this into a moral side and an immoral side but there was only the winning and losing sides, and I'm on the winning. I won. Yaaaay! Tough!!
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (36)
All Comments   (36)
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Has there ever been a quality H'wood movie made with someone named "Gore" in the credits?
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
I will not pay any money to watch Hollywood's cinematic features.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
When (it can't be more than about a decade ago) did the weekly box office of Hollywood movies come to be considered important enough to merit coverage in almost every news venue? Who outside the industry would even have any use for this information? Can anyone imagine people in the 1950's, the 1970's, the 1980's having the slightest concern about which artistic mediocrity brought in more dollars than some other mediocrity that weekend at the neighborhood movie theatre? Yet, now it is treated as a major "story" right up there with politics and world events. What a silly culture we are evolving into.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
You are obviously not a regular reader/subscriber to the Los Angeles Times; who, without Hollywood, would be lost trying to report real news.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
This movie is Obama's fault.

There, I finally got it in for you, three pages in. You guys are slacking.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
You complain about lazy hollywood types in your movie review about a movie that you have not seen. Look in the mirror, Kemosabe.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
I saw the movie this weekend, and it is pretty good! I don't understand what all the grumbling is about. Definitely worth the price of a ticket.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
Thanks for helping to line the pockets of America's enemies.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
Did I read just a few weeks ago an article on this web site extolling the "10 family virtues exemplified by Disney" or some such claptrap?
I can't believe anyone who calls himself "conservative" doesn't see through the anti-parent, anti-Amrican garbage that Disney churns out. How many fathers have you seen in Disney movies who weren't money-grubbing, child-neglecting power-hungry a**holes? (Think "Cheaper By The Dozen" with Steve Martin leaving the kids to their own devices so his football team can win the big game, "Mary Poppins" with the rich English banker who leaves pigeon ladies to starve in the street to teach his children the value of tuppence etc...)
Screw Disney.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
We rented Django Unchained (2 hr. 45 min.) and watching it felt like torture. ("Is this damn thing ever going to end?) I usually like Tarantino but this was a bloated mess. It didn't help that the film starred Jamie Foxx who used to be good, but has turned himself into a self-righteous racial grievance monger.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
Well for God's sake was someone holding a gun to your head? Turn the freakin' thing off if it is torture.
Jesus...
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
Better to suffer than not get your money's worth.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
Yes the other movie rule of thumb.

120 minutes is the maximum length.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
"I said it before, and I’ll say it again, I’m sick and tired of being lectured by leftists and race whores blaming me and trying to shame me for things I didn’t do. And I’m not going to pay them or give them my money."


Why does anything more need to be said?

Why does this movie even need a review.

Why is anyone who considers himself a patriot supporting Hollywood in any way?

"Aid and comfort to the enemy in time of war"

40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
Reminds me of a joke: someone asked a big movie mogul (I think it was Samuel Goldwyn) about a recently released movie about the Civil War. The mogul was asked, "Do you think it will offend the South?" to which he replied, "Yes - and the North, too."
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
I have seen some trailers for the Lone Ranger movie and found myself asking why, Why?

Why didn't they make this movie to at least slight resemble the Lone Ranger and Tonto that some of us knew?

Jay Silverheels was at least a real Indian, he didn't have warpaint, a chip on his shoulder or some sort of forerunner of a 1950's hood ornament on his head.

The Lone Ranger was just a good guy, as was Tonto, and they rode around "the old West" doing good deeds, bringing bad guys to justice and helping people.

I agree with Ed Driscoll:
"I said it before, and I’ll say it again, I’m sick and tired of being lectured by leftists and race whores blaming me and trying to shame me for things I didn’t do. And I’m not going to pay them or give them my money."

For what its worth, the name Ed Driscoll kind of sounds like it could belong to a rancher in one of the Lone Ranger TV shows.

Rather than being an angry warpainted avenger I remember Tonto saying things like "...Uhmm Kemo Sabe all men brothers. Some have red skin, some have black skin, some have white skin but ALL men brothers."

I also remember the Lone Ranger regularly quoting from "The Good Book"
I remember an episode, probably not exactly accurately, where some bad guys had stolen a wagonload of nitro which was intended for the mine. It might have also carried the strong box containing the payroll, I'm not sure.
But the nitro exploded and blew up the thieves. The lone Ranger turned to Tonto, and referring to proverbs 26:27, said: " The Good Book says he who diggeth a pit shall he fall therein and he who rolleth a stone shall it return upon him."

"Umm right Kemo Sabe.'

It's possible the makers of this movie are "falling therein".

40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
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