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Klavan On The Culture

Nothing To See Here

August 20th, 2012 - 5:37 am

This is CBS News.

There’s nothing to write about this week as no one shot anyone for any politically motivated reason at the Washington, D.C., headquarters of the Family Research Council, a group that is obviously hateful for promoting traditional views of marriage and so couldn’t be the victim of a hate crime in the first place because they’re so hateful any hate would logically have to be coming from them and not from the person who shot them.

According to the Media Research Center, CBS News did not even bother to report the non-shooting at FRC that did not leave the building manager wounded when a man who was not carrying fifteen Chick-fil-A sandwiches in a backpack did not say “I don’t like your politics,” before not opening fire on the unarmed victim. Since the event never occurred, NBC’s Brian Williams was able to cover it in a mere 17 seconds. And one day after the shooting never happened, CNN anchor Zoraida Sambolin clarified the motivation of the non-existent event by proclaiming that FRC was “hate spewing hate,” so there was no question from which side of the gun barrel the hatred was emanating.

It’s clear therefore that the non-shooter, Floyd Corkins, was not motivated by any of the never overblown and thoroughly non-despicable non-overreactions to Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy‘s recent defense of traditional marriage. The gunman was only carrying those fifteen sandwiches because they are just. So. Unbelievably. Tasty!

Nor was the non-hate-crazed non-gunman inspired by the left-wing Southern Poverty Law Center, which has included the Family Research Council on a list of hate groups along with neo-Nazis and the Klan.

It would, of course, have been impossible for a gunman to have been inspired by left-wing hatred because left-wing people are loving and don’t hate anyone except those people who disagree with them who are hateful because the left is so loving that to oppose them is hateful.  If you get my drift. 

In other non-news, Vice President Joe Gaffe did not make any bidens this week, or vice versa. The lack of blithering foolishness from Biden confirmed that those who supported Sarah Palin for vice president remain stupid. If Biden had, for instance, made wildly offensive remarks about black people in a mock southern accent, or indicated he didn’t know which state he was in, or ridiculed a woman translating one of his rambling speeches into sign language, then, of course, America’s comedians would have been on the job making jokes about him. Instead, our comedians were silent on the matter because they didn’t want to imply that Joe Biden is an idiot, since that’s impossible because he’s not Sarah Palin. Who is obviously an idiot because she don’t forget to find out why Sarah Palin is bad and fill in the rest of this sentence later.

Fortunately such relatively minor non-stories as a man not inspired by hateful leftist rhetoric not shooting an unarmed man or Joe Biden not proving that Sarah Palin has more brains in her lipstick canister than he has in his head, were not there to obscure the fact that the Gross Domestic Product has been steadily falling, a major indicator that the Obama economy is an epic fail. Which is not happening either, since the networks went for six months without saying a word about it.

So we can just move along to something more important. Like Paul Ryan’s abs. Which, believe me, are happening!

[An extra hat-tip to the always brilliant gang at the Media Research Center, who are all over everything that's not going on!]

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Thumbnail image courtesy shutterstock / Deklofenak

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