It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how not to get your rental car out of an impound lot, the very worst time to cop a feel, and the stupidest reason to impersonate an FBI agent.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman accused of hit-and-run bathed in stranger’s pool before kicking dogs
Never do any of this, but especially the part about the dogs. I can tell you right now there's a high score coming for Florida Woman, and not in a nice way.
It was a regular Monday morning in Lehigh Acres, with Florida Woman blasting through a stop sign at the intersection of Loyola Avenue and Vesper Court, t-boning another woman's car, and then fleeing into the woods.
As one does, when one isn't entirely sure whether they put their insurance card in the glove box or the center console.
Florida Woman made it about a mile away, and apparently not fully comprehending how little things like license plates work, tried to wash any evidence off her in a stranger's swimming pool. Florida Homeowner called the police, confronted her, and that's when she "proceeded to hit, drag, and kick multiple dogs." Three in total.
None were seriously hurt, thank goodness.
Police found her shortly, walking along the roadway.
“This was a disturbing and completely unprovoked attack on innocent animals,” said Sheriff Carmine Marceno. "There is absolutely no excuse for this behavior, and we will hold this woman fully accountable for her careless actions.”
Throw the book at her. Literally. Hard, right at her head.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Water Hazard, Fleeing the Scene (twice! so two points), Hide & Seek, Criminal Mastermind, Should Have Taken the L, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and one Demerit point for each dog she tried to hurt.
TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
I do believe that's either a record or a record-tying score.
Cop a Feel, Feel a Cop
Florida Man arrested for sexual battery attempt to grope female detective during transport
It's all right there in the clip. My favorite part might be the look on the face of the white brunette cop near the end — pretty much the perfect visual representation of "Oh no you didn't!" All Florida Man had to say was, "Good catch. But I don't give a f---."
SCORE: Went Viral, Assaulting a Cop, Caught on Video, Someone's Bottom Area, Chutzpah, Hold My Beer, Recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Eight points for one short clip. Well played, Florida Man.
Exclusively for our VIPs: One Pill, One Boy, 118 Months — an Entirely True Tall Tale
That's No Way to Treat Your Meat
Florida Man tosses $4K of stolen steaks after catching girlfriend cooking with another man
Did you ever steal $4,000 worth of steaks, roasts and lamb, but then throw them all out after you catch your girlfriend cooking with some dude?
No?
Just Florida Man then:
According to the Flagler County Sheriff’s Office, Florida Man 30, was seen on surveillance video selecting $1,574.86 in premium beef and lamb at an area Publix before leaving the store.
Less than 20 minutes later, deputies said he drove to a different Publix and took $2,084 worth of pork, top sirloin, brisket, tenderloin, and personal care products.
When detectives tracked Florida Man down, they said he told them that after stealing the meat, he drove to his girlfriend’s house where he saw her cooking with another man, so he threw out most of his stolen loot.
This is just like that episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents where the woman murders her husband with a frozen leg of lamb but then roasts the evidence and feeds it to the police, except that literally everything is stupid.
Florida Man — a Cuban national — is now on an ICE detainer.
Sweet.
SCORE: Surveillance Video, Criminal Mastermind, Crime Spree, Domestic Bliss, Glamor Mugshot, a Demerit for wasting meat with the price of beef these days, ICEd (new!). (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: You’re going to need to be a millionaire to enjoy a millionaire lifestyle in The Villages
Thank you for that important lifestyle tip, ma'am!
Maybe She Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Woman tries to steal towed rental car, pepper-sprays employee
You know what I hate?
You know when your rental car gets impounded and you don't even know why but forget about that for a minute because you gotta lot of stuff going on like getting the deposit back and you left some personal possessions in there like a loaded pistol and some oxy and like $49,000 in cash and later you think that maybe you should have offered the tow lot guy a couple of grand to not notice you drive your rental off the lot but in the moment you think it would be smarter that after you sneak in and try to drive the car away when the tow lot guy tries to stop you that you pepper spray him in the face and when the guy uses a tow truck to stop you that's when you ram the big metal gate over and over again with the rental like you forgot about getting the deposit back which is when the police show up and they take your pistol and the oxy and the cash and then you're sitting in jail wondering about that deposit?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Tasered/Pepper Sprayed, Vehicular Madness, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Make Your Own Drive-Thru (new! but man, does it come up often), Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 33 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Miami-Dade deputy injured while helping driver on Florida Turnpike heads home: "He was a hero"
MDSO Deputy Leo Cantave "marked a major milestone in his recovery" after being hit and critically injured on the Florida Turnpike while assisting a stranded driver.
Thirty-seven days after nearly losing his life, Deputy Cantave is being discharged.
"The story of our deputy could have gone very differently, and as you all know, we've had a very difficult year," said Sheriff Cordero-Stutz.
The 20-year veteran was injured on Dec. 27 while assisting Florida Highway Patrol troopers who were helping a trapped driver in the northbound lanes of the Florida Turnpike between Northwest 41st Street and 58th Street.
That's when he was struck by a passing car.
But that isn't the whole story. Sheriff Cordero-Stutz added, "It's not just that he survived, it's that he was a hero. He pushed another officer out of the way, and it was in that process when he was struck by the vehicle."
"Leo" has a long way to go, including tons of P.T. to heal all his limbs.
Here's to a solid recovery, Leo.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Leo, Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, a Demerit to the "impaired" driver who didn't slow down and nearly killed a couple people, and one more bonus point to Sheriff Cordero-Stutz for seeming like a real stand-up guy. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 40 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: His Car Was So Hot...
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Hoe-lee crap.
Florida Man and Woman racked up a record-breaking 40 points in their five adventures this week, setting the bar higher than ever with an average score of eight.
Meanwhile, in Minnesota...
JUST IN - Minnesota man charged after allegedly trying to break Luigi Mangione out of New York jail by impersonating an FBI agent — ABC pic.twitter.com/1Fma7wKv2H
— Disclose.tv (@disclosetv) January 29, 2026
I have questions, so many questions.
But just because I have questions doesn't mean I want any answers.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest KDJ at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
