On this week’s Florida Man Friday we have the cop-killer wanna-be, the liquor theft that made me cry, and Colorado Man’s curious kissing booth.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man with ‘cop killer’ tattoo busted for shooting at officer
Before we get started, the detective is fine. Florida Man missed pretty wildly, hitting the police cruiser instead and disabling it.
The story doesn’t say why the tatted menace was being pulled over, just that he pulled out a gun instead, then made his getaway from the damaged cop car. He was ID’d from body cam footage and was later found driving the exact same car the first detective tried to pull over.
Police made him remove his shirt for the mugshot, revealing the “Cop Killer” tattoo.
I have two questions.
- Is the tattoo admissible in court as evidence of intent?
- Do the other convicts who actually did kill a cop take it badly when some naif wears an unearned tattoo?
You’d hate to be this guy in the joint — or anywhere else.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Caught on Video, Getting Caught Stupidly, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing, and a bonus point for the tattoo, even though it wasn’t on his neck or face.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Solid start.
You Disappointed Me, Florida Man
Florida Man stole 45 liquor bottles worth $1.2K from Winn-Dixie
“Steal little, steal big… but steal the good stuff whenever you can,” I always say. Obviously, I’ve given up on that Father of the Year award.
But somebody in Florida needs to take my advice: the guy who lifted 45 liquor bottles out of a Winn-Dixie after paying for just two cases of beer. Just walked out, pushing a cart full of stolen liquor, paying mind to the security cameras.
It’s what he stole that broke my heart a little:
12 Crown Royal Apple 750 ml bottles totaling $383.88
12 Crown Royal Fine Deluxe 750 ml bottles totaling $383.88
6 Crown Royal Apple 1.75 liter bottles totaling $368.94
5 Dark Horse Chardonnay 750 ml bottles totaling $49.95
4 Lindemans Pinot Grigio 750 ml bottles totaling $23.96
6 Rikaloff Deluxe Vodka 1.75 L bottles totaling $71.94
Next time, buddy, grab the top-shelf scotch and a few Napa cabs, OK? Speaking very personally, I am not going to risk going to jail over Crown Royal or a $6 Pinot Grigio.
SCORE: Caught on Video, Stupid Crime, Drugs/Alcohol.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Hot for Teacher
Florida Woman sues school after OnlyFans page gets her kicked off volunteer program
You want to have an OnlyFans page? Fine, whatever. You want to volunteer at school? That’s better, for you and the kids.
Doing them both? That’s where things got dicey for Florida Woman:
Back in 2021, Floria Woman was a volunteer for Sand Lake Elementary School’s ADDition volunteer program, but that didn’t last when the school was tipped off about her side hustle, which, as history shows, can be quite lucrative.
She had volunteered for five years before the principal kicked her out of the program after learning about the OnlyFans content.
A year later, a circuit judge sided with the school. According to The New York Post, the judge ruled that she “does not have an unequivocal legal right to participate.”
If the internet and everything that goes with it had been around in the ’70s and ’80s, I can tell you exactly what my friends and I would do the first time we caught sight of a teacher or volunteer even half as young and attractive as Florida Woman: Good Image Search, baby.
And you can bet we’d have long figured out how to circumvent any parental controls.
How are you supposed to seriously teach, or even just volunteer, knowing that stuff is out there?
Honestly, I feel bad for Florida Woman who was trying to do some good at her kids’ school but just didn’t have sense enough to understand how it wouldn’t mix with her online activities.
How to score this one?
I don’t think I will.
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Worst Excuse Ever
Florida Man robbed gas station, left debit card behind
Oops:
Authorities arrested Florida Man, who they said broke into a convenience store and took a few items, although he left his debit card behind.
In a video Flagler County Sheriff Rick Staly posted to Facebook, the suspect told deputies he left his debit card so he “could come back later and pay” for the items he took.
“I didn’t want to steal anything, you know, that’s against the law,” he said in the video.
Say, that is against the law!
But wait, there’s more:
The store owner showed deputies surveillance video, and they also located a debit card with the suspect’s name on it on the counter near the register, the sheriff said. The deputies actually recognized the man in the video from a vehicle fire near the gas station earlier that night.
Because of course he was involved in a vehicle fire the night he robbed a convenience store and left his ATM card behind before assuring police that he’d meant to do that.
Just another Sunday morning in Palm Coast.
SCORE: Getting Caught Stupidly, Convenience Store, Vehicular Madness, Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Crime Stinks
Florida Man found with drugs concealed in buttocks
So this happened:
Deputies say a man from the Florida panhandle was found with heroin in his buttocks after a search warrant was executed.
The Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office said on Monday, Jan. 23, investigators with the Multi-Agency Drug Task Force entered a residence on Wingard Street in Crestview after executing a narcotics search warrant. Inside, investigators arrested 49-year-old Florida Man.
Nothing too shocking here. You’re dealing drugs and the cops come to your door, so you shove the drugs into the first handy crevice available.
But then there’s this: “Investigators said he was in possession of over one kilogram of crystal methamphetamine.”
Between his butt cheeks.
Actually, it turns out there were only 3.5 grams in there and it was his personal heroin stash.
But I am going to ask this.
If Florida Man didn’t suddenly shove his heroin between his butt cheeks because the cops were at his door, what was it doing there already? According to the story, he admitted to the police that he had a small stash of heroin… in there… after they found the meth.
I said I was going to ask. I did not say I want an answer.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, WTF Were You Even THINKING? and a bonus point for being oddly honest.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Man Bites Snake, Florida Man Maces Cop
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
We only had four scored stories this week, possibly because Florida is still in mourning over Tom Brady’s re-retirement.
On the other hand, 15 points for an average of 3.75 per story is not a bad score during a slow week.
Meanwhile, in Colorado…
Colorado Man In Trouble For Keeping Toilet In His Front Yard
I’m not about to take the side of a fussy HOA that says someone can’t decorate their yard with whatever… statuary… they like. If that’s a toilet, then it’s a toilet.
But you have to marvel at the pink toilet seat suspended from the sign above it that says “Kissing Booth.”
Maybe I just don’t understand art.
It’s for sure though that my adopted home state rarely disappoints.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
