Florida Man Friday: Man Bites Snake, Florida Man Maces Cop

I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve collected for Florida Man Friday that involved Florida Man getting pepper-sprayed by police — and I probably nix four or five stories for each one that makes the cut.

But this is new:

According to the Lauderhill Police Department, Florida Man of Tamarac was driving his Toyota Corolla “erratically” Sunday, around 8:30 p.m. when he was pulled over for running a stop sign and following vehicles closely.

Before the officer could exit his cruiser, the man got out of his car and “aggressively approach” the officer, an arrest report states.

The officer ordered Florida Man to get back into his car, but he refused, instead reaching into his pocket and pulling out a can of MACE.

The officer ordered Florida Man to drop the pepper spray several times threatening to deploy his TASER.

“I’m going to tase you,” the officer can be heard saying in a body camera video.

“I’m gonna MACE you,” Florida Man replied.

The report left out the killer detail that you can only see in the bodycam footage: Florida Man’s shirt has what looks like a sheriff’s star sewn into it. Or maybe it’s a badge — hard to tell in that light.

We’ll never know for sure, but don’t you get the feeling that Florida Man was on enough drugs that he decided to put on some sheriff’s department swag and do a little Miami Blues LARPing?

This is why I stick with booze.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.

SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, Resisting Arrest, Chutzpah, and a bonus point for whatever made Florida Man play cops and robbers with an actual cop.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.

You made my Friday, Florida Man.

1,310 Miles of Pure Awesome

80-year-old Florida Man completes marathons in all 50 states

Last fall I noticed my waistbands were tighter than they should be, so I started hitting my wife’s elliptical almost every morning. Started slow, but quickly worked up to a 30-40 minute “run.” I try to alternate between runs with my heart rate rarely above Zone 3, and higher-intensity runs where I’m in Zone 4 or 5 for at least 20 minutes. It’s working, too — I feel better, my pants fit better, and I’m sleeping better, too.

All that from the equivalent of maybe a two- or three-mile jog.

Not too bad for a 53-year-old whose hobbies are red meat and alcohol. Now imagine what kind of shape 80-year-old Florida Man is in:

Slow and steady wins the race for Bob Sielski, who has accomplished the rare ironman-esque feat of finishing marathons in all 50 states — at age 80.

The energetic octogenarian flew to Hawaii in December and completed the Honolulu Marathon, crossing the finish line in 7 hours, 11 minutes and 55 seconds. After adding Alaska last summer, Sielski’s 26.2-mile Hawaii milestone marked the 50th and final state on his list.

“More people have climbed Mount Everest than have completed the 50 states,” said Lois Berkowitz, president of the 50 States Marathon Club based in Houston, Texas.

That’s one helluva achievement, and the cherry on top is that there’s a 50 States Marathon Club for those select few who have done it.

SCORE: 5 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.

How Not to Be Seen

Florida Man with 21 outstanding warrants arrested following Naples traffic stop

True story.

Many years ago I knew a guy with a felony drunk driving conviction. He’d done his time but couldn’t get a license. Still, a guy’s got to get around somehow, so he took the risk of driving without one.

I don’t know what the penalty for him getting caught would have been but I do know this: I’ve never seen such a careful, cautious, and courteous driver. Not only that, but he kept his tags up-to-date and had a special routine before driving at night. He’d start the car, turn on all the lights, then walk around and make sure all the lights were working properly. He was in a situation, self-inflicted, where he couldn’t risk giving police any reason at all to pull him over.

He was not Florida Man:

Florida Man with a violent history has been arrested after it was revealed he has 21 outstanding warrants in three Florida counties.

Around 1:30 p.m. on February 2nd, Florida Highway Patrol Troopers initiated a traffic stop on a Nissan. The vehicle was pulled over on I-75 near Mile Marker 98 in Collier County.

According to the arrest report, Troopers found 1,500 tablets of Alprazolam, sold under the brand name Xanax, and two grams of marijuana.

The driver of the vehicle, Florida Woman, was arrested and faces three possession charges.

The story doesn’t say why police pulled over our traveling geniuses, but I’m guessing it isn’t because the car was traveling near the posted limit and/or staying in its lane.

It’s almost like these people want to get caught.

SCORE: Getting Caught Stupidly, Drugs/Alcohol, Recidivism, Vehicular Madness, plus a bonus point for 21 outstanding warrants because I guess everybody needs a hobby.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.

Exclusively for Our VIPs: UKRAINE WAR: Here Comes the Russian Wave

Man Bites Snake

Florida Man bites off pet python snake’s head in domestic dispute

Animal cruelty is one of maybe two or three things that I can’t laugh at, so I hesitated over including this story. But then a scene popped into my head that’s so ridiculous that now I can’t stop laughing.

What happened in Miami earlier this week is that police responded to calls about a man and woman yelling at each other in their apartment. Police eventually kicked in the door when they heard the woman scream. Florida Man hid behind the door, then resisted arrest.

“Once the man was restrained,” Fox News reported, “the woman told police officers that Florida Man bit off the head of her pet ball python… adding that the snake was found next to a door with a detached head.”

OMG. That’s awful.

But here’s what popped into my brain:

Police: “Sir, do you know why you’re under arrest?”

Florida Man: “MFFF HMPH MFFFUHUHH.”

Police: “Sir, what’s in your mouth?”

Florida Man: “MUUUFFFNNNG.”

Police: “I have to ask you to open your mouth.”

Florida Man: [Opens mouth, snake head falls out onto floor]

Police: “Sir?”

Florida Man: “That’s not mine.”

I’m going to Hell, aren’t I?

SCORE: Wild Animal, Resisting Arrest, Domestic Bliss, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.

Pooping Perp Caught Brown-Handed!

Florida Authorities Arrest ‘The Pooping Perpetrator’ for Burglary After Suspect Jumped Naked into River and was Rescued by Police

Last week, I brought you the story of Florida’s pooping perpetrator, who broke into a Joe’s Crab Shack late one night, stole some stuff, and left a very personal deposit on one of the chairs.

This week, I bring you the thrilling story of his arrest:

Florida Man was able to get away from the restaurant that evening, but a few days later, police say similarly foolish behavior landed him in the back of a squad car.

At approximately 3 p.m. on Jan. 24, an FMPD detective working the Marine Unit responded to a call near West First Street in reference to “a naked male that jumped into the Caloosahatchee River,” according to a press release. Upon arriving at the scene, the detective observed the nude male on a nearby “derelict vessel.”

Along with the help of another officer, the detective was able to get the naked man safely aboard an FMPD Marine Boat. As they transported him to awaiting medical personnel, the detective recognized the naked man as the individual from the Joe’s Crab Shack burglary.

Never go skinny dipping for at least a good hour after robbing a restaurant.

SCORE: Recidivism, Water Hazard, Public Nudity, Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Get the Real Poop on His Late-Night Deposit at Joe’s Crab Shack

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories, 23 points, for a record or near-record 4.6-point average.

What a week!

Meanwhile, in Nebraska…

Colorado Man arrested after high-speed chase on I-80, state patrol says

“Colorado Man” is always my first search for my non-Florida story each week, because this Colorado man likes to play fair.

This Colorado Man, however, is just an idiot:

The pursuit began at about 12:40 a.m. when state troopers spotted a Subaru WRX driving more than 100 mph on I-80 at mile marker 435 near Gretna. A trooper attempted a traffic stop, but the driver continued westbound, reaching speeds of 150 mph. After about 10 miles, the Subaru’s engine failed and the vehicle came to a stop.

#ProTip: Don’t do 150 in Nebraska, in winter, in a WRX maintained by an 18-year-old male.

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…

Florida Man Friday!