Before we get into today Florida Man Friday fun, just a quick reminder that the names of suspects have been changed to Florida Man or Florida Woman.
Presumption of innocence, remember?
With that done, let’s get to another thrilling…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man attacks driver with knife during road rage incident, victim pulls out gun
Everyone knows the Chicago Way: They pull a knife, you pull a gun.
Then there’s the Florida Way: You pull a knife, and he pulls a gun while his wife helpfully videos the whole thing for the police to use as evidence against you.
Intense cellphone video shows the moments deputies say a Florida man attacked another driver with a knife during an apparent road rage incident and the victim turned the tables by pulling out a gun.
Florida Man, 50, was arrested and booked into jail under suspicion of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, according to the Flagler County Sheriff’s Office.
Best part? After slashing at the guy he’d cut off in traffic, it was Florida Man himself who called 911.
“I just had a guy pulled a gun on me,” he said.
“Because you swiped your knife — and I have it on camera,” the victim’s wife can be heard saying.
Both men were taken into custody, but the guy with the gun was released after police watched the video.
Quote of the Week: Florida Man’s lady friend egging him on, saying, “You got a knife! He dudn’t have nuthin’!”
#ProTip: Don’t pull a knife on a biker. Seriously.
SCORE: 1 point each for vehicular madness, weapon, stupid crime, getting caught stupidly, chutzpah (on the part of the woman who said, “He dudn’t have nuthin’!”)
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Nice start, Florida Man.
Why’d It Have to Be Snakes?
Florida Woman accused of crashing into multiple cars, throwing fake snake to evade traffic stop
Life is not an action movie, exhibit #1,000,006:
The chase began when the suspect intentionally hit one of the Martin County Sheriff’s Office vehicles as she tried to evade a traffic stop.
Florida Woman fled deputies, reaching speeds of up to 100 mph, hitting another patrol car and a civilian truck, injuring the three people inside, before ending up on Warfield Boulevard.
“While driving, she motioned to the deputies that she had a gun, and drove erratically trying to cause them to crash,” the sheriff’s office said in the post.
When deputies moved in to make the arrest, that’s when Florida Woman threw the fake snake.
Two questions.
Who keeps a fake snake in their car?
Did Florida Woman keep a fake snake in the car just in case of an eventuality like this one?
Actually, there’s a third question: What was throwing the fake snake supposed to accomplish? You get one, maybe two seconds before the cops realize, “Hey, it’s just a fake snake. Book’er, Danno.”
SCORE: Vehicular madness, fleeing police, stupid crime, weapon (unusual).
TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
I Hate It When That Happens
Florida Man in ape mask used sledgehammer to rob laundromat, deputies say
Crime of the century:
Florida Man was arrested Tuesday for using a sledgehammer to steal over $800 from a laundromat.
The Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office said around 10:45 on May 8 Florida Man, 32, and Florida Woman, 34, went into a laundromat. Pictures show Florida Man was wearing an ape mask and holding a sledgehammer.
Florida Man used the sledgehammer to smash a coin change machine, taking about $800 from it, deputies said.
Deputies found Florida Woman on May 11 after she dyed her hair blue. Deputies said she confessed to the crime.
Florida Woman was identified as the other suspect after he was found to be the registered owner of the getaway vehicle.
I get it. Most of it, anyway.
You need to do some crimes, something that generates more positive cash flow than getting sushi and not paying.
You figure a laundromat is a relatively soft target. You also figure there are security cameras, so you’ll need a disguise. You just so happen to have that old gorilla mask lying around, so that’ll do.
But wait. You don’t have a mask for your accomplice, even though you told her months ago not to throw out that second old gorilla mask because “You just never know.”
Her disguise? She dyed her hair blue after the crime.
If you thought that was some genius-level stupid, Florida Woman didn’t think to put a stolen plate on her getaway car.
“She must be a lesbian, not a laundromat thief getaway car driver,” maybe the police would presume.
SCORE: Stupid crime, getting caught stupidly, weapon (unusual), wild animals (sort of).
TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Most Heartwarming Traffic Cam Video in History
Dancing with the Stars, Florida Style
Florida Woman twerks out of McDonald’s after allegedly assaulting employee
Long video short: Florida Woman goes to McDonald’s to pick up a special order, which they got wrong. Florida Woman then (allegedly!) goes on a minor rampage, (allegedly!) assaults an employee, and then (on videotape for all to see!) does a little twerk on her way out the door — after she, herself, called 911.
SCORE: Stupid crime, getting caught stupidly, chutzpah.
TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Exit Question: Is “Twerkin McMad” the worst fake Irish name ever?
Disco Inferno
Florida Man ‘cooked alive’ after deputy’s Taser sparks explosion at gas station
I try to keep the mood light here on FMF, which is why you won’t see the worst crimes here. We get enough of those out of the other 49 states. We have FMF because Florida has the best-in-the-nation Sunshine Law, so we get the silliest stories to choose from, ones that mostly go unreported in the rest of the nation.
So it’s with some trepidation that I bring you this next story:
A Florida deputy faces a misdemeanor charge for allegedly igniting a fireball at a gas station that left a suspect with serious burns, WESH reports.
Florida Man was thought to be part of a group of dirt bike riders seen pointing guns at people while driving recklessly through traffic in Osceola County on Feb. 27, according to the county’s Sheriff Marcos Lopez.
A video from a sheriff’s office helicopter shows a man believed to be Florida Man popping wheelies, running red lights and driving the wrong way down a road before stopping at a Wawa gas station.
When deputies approached him, a struggle ensued.
Florida Man’s lawyers said Deputy David Crawford tackled their client from behind as he pumped gas, knocking over his bike and spilling fuel.
Lopez said Crawford picked up a Taser that was discarded by another officer and deployed it near the flammable gasoline. Then an explosion occurred, Lopez said. Florida Man and the deputy were engulfed in flames.
Yikes, right?
No one suffered anything worse than some burns and other non-life-threatening injuries.
I have no patience for hooligans and it’s clear the deputies didn’t mean to set anyone on fire.
But still… yikes.
SCORE: Stupid crime, police chase, vehicular madness.
TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Exit Question: Now that for the first time in my life I’ve just un-ironically used the word “hooligans,” does that make me old?
Don’t answer.
Bonus Heartwarming Tale
Florida woman jokes about 'puppy' found on e-Bay https://t.co/grrpFfDi6x
— WESH 2 News (@WESH) May 20, 2022
Here in the Southwest, pretty much everything is trying to kill you.
Same thing with Florida.
We all get to laugh at the stuff trying to kill us.
Blue Light/Red Light Special
Florida Woman on electric shopping cart batters Walmart employee
Saturday night’s all right for fighting:
Florida Woman was arrested after police say she tore through a Largo Walmart on an electric shopping cart, damaging merchandise, slapping an employee and using profanity when staff asked her to leave.
According to an arrest report, Florida Woman, 29, entered the Walmart on an electric shopping cart around 6:30 p.m. on Saturday.
Once inside the store, police say she began driving the cart into the displays, knocking merchandise off the shelves. When asked to leave the store, she is accused of cursing at staff members.
Later, Florida Woman allegedly slapped an employee before police arrived.
All I want to know is this: What self-respecting 29-year-old rides an electric cart?
SCORE: Stupid crime, vehicular madness.
TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Six scored stories worth 22 points for an average of 3.67.
I do believe that’s a new record — well done, Florida Man and Florida Woman.
Meanwhile, in Arizona…
Arizona Man Steals Woman’s Wallet At Restaurant, Uses Cash To Pay His Bill
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
