In my quest to bring you the very best Florida Man exploits each and every week, I keep a dedicated browser window at all times filled up with nothing but Florida Man & Woman stories. This week, the tabs in that browser window are so crowded, that it crashed my browser. Then it crashed again when I tried to re-open them all at once.
True story.
Speaking of true stories (brought to you by the PJMedia Institute for Ham-Fisted Segues), join me now for another week of chills, spills, and non-judgmental thrills on another…
Florida Man Friday!
Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida man attacks jogger with sword in fight over trash because Florida https://t.co/cpBUfuhOH7 pic.twitter.com/vQR3VVO9Qm
— Billy Corben (@BillyCorben) August 20, 2019
This security cam footage is missing just one thing: Yakety Sax.
Orange Man Groovy
Photo credit/Brendan Dolan-King/Clearwater Police Dept. Photo credit/Trump-shaped pills/Indiana State Police
Florida man busted with Trump-shaped ecstasy pills.
The details, in case you need them:
Clearwater Police were called to the home of 23-year-old Brendan Timothy Dolan-King on Friday after reports of a drug overdose. After searching his home, police said they found illegal drugs, including MDMA pills that looked like the president hidden inside an air vent.
The ecstasy pills had six stars and ‘Trump NL’ stamped on the back.
According to The Smoking Gun, Dolan-King was charged on Friday. Lab tests reportedly confirmed that “a tan powder seized was fentanyl and that the Trump pills contained MDMA.”
For when you need the classiest, most luxurious, six-hour roll.
Spoiler Alert: She Pegged the Needle on the Breathalyzer
(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities)
Woman pulled over for DUI tries to bet cops on how high her blood-alcohol level would be.
The story:
Not only was Mary Westerlund sure she would not pass a DUI test when police responded to a report of a drunk woman seated in a gray Acura with the engine turned off — the 62-year-old motorist tried to bet law enforcement officials she would more than double the state’s legal blood-alcohol limit of .08. Westerlund then blew that expectation out of the water, according to Sumter County police.
“The defendant provided two breath alcohol samples of .229 and .210,” according to an arrest affidavit filed around 11 p.m Monday. “Prior to starting the breath test the defendant advised she wanted to bet the the Intoxilyzer operator a quarter that she would blow a .190 BAC.”
She knew she was too drunk to drive. She was in the car, sure, but with the engine off. “Crimes” like this have nothing to do with public safety, and everything to do with raising revenue. Instead of arresting people like Westerlund, police ought to be helping them home or just leaving them alone. Florida Woman was wronged this time.
This Guy, On the Other Hand…
(Another mugshot courtesy of local authorities)
Drunk Florida man drives Walmart courtesy scooter out of the store, then another mile, cops claim.
Book ’em, Danno.
Iguana Murder Madness
(Image via Pixabay)
(Thank goodness for copy & paste, because the following paragraph gets longer every week.)
Seven weeks ago I reported to you that Florida officials were urging residents to kill iguanas. Six weeks ago something akin to hilarity ensued when a pellet-gun toting iguana-hunter missed and accidentally shot a pool boy instead. Five weeks ago, PETA urged: If you’re killing iguanas, do it in the “kindest manner possible.” Four weeks ago we learned of the South Florida hot tub that became a ‘Porta-Potty’ for iguanas. Three weeks ago we were told, “This isn’t the wild west,” as Florida authorities clarify state’s invasive iguana policy after public outcry. Then two weeks ago, a judge ordered a man who threw an iguana not to go “around bragging” about what he did. Last week, Florida’s favorite invasive species invaded a local supermarket.
And this week?
‘Chicken of the trees’: Eating iguana meat can help curb invasive species problems.
You know what wine pairs best with grilled iguana? PBR.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
You might remember this story from last year, when Florida Man went hang-gliding in Switzerland — and nearly lost his life after the glider pilot forgot to attach the man’s safety harness.
Well…
Florida man who clung to hang glider for life goes back to try again.
A big VodkaPundit salute for your doggedness and courage, Florida Man! Here’s to hoping your next ride is much more fun.
Hot August Night
(Woodbury Police Department)
‘Side chick’ torches man’s house after he calls her for sex and then falls asleep.
“A 29-year-old woman set fire to a man’s house after he invited her over for some late-night sex and then fell asleep, leaving her stranded outside.”
Lesson learned: If you invite someone over for a booty call, make sure you’re, ah, up for it.
No Joke: This Dog Looks Like the Joker
A Florida woman was furious after her dog — who went to the groomer for a simple maintenance appointment — returned with floppy pink ears and neon green eyebrows. https://t.co/XFecfT63Op
— FOX 5 DC (@fox5dc) August 20, 2019
Who does this?
You Get Exactly One Guess Where It Was
(Yet another mugshot, yet more local authorities)
Florida man who hid heroin where nobody wants to find it is sentenced.
Click if you must, but the rest of us are moving right along…
Only in Florida: News Brief
• Florida man accused of reversing into car in drive-thru and throwing beer cans from his car.
• He’s Lovin’ It: Florida man flashed badge to get discount at McDonald’s, police say.
• Man in Florida accused of masturbating, following woman on interstate.
This Story Could Have Happened in Any One of the 50 States
#FloridaWoman accused of threatening to blow up DMV office in #Opalocka 💣 @WPLGLocal10 https://t.co/88oV3EOBXo pic.twitter.com/0ir2p9BEGy
— Only_in_Florida (@0nlyInFlorida) August 22, 2019
I’m not condoning this, but I do understand it.
Meanwhile, in Great Britain…
Man, 26, in hospital after burning groin with hair removal cream for first date.
A story like that one can mean but one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his Crown of Weirdness. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but have faith — and come back next week for another…
Florida Man Friday!
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