In my quest to bring you the very best Florida Man exploits each and every week, I keep a dedicated browser window at all times filled up with nothing but Florida Man & Woman stories. This week, the tabs in that browser window are so crowded, that it crashed my browser. Then it crashed again when I tried to re-open them all at once.
Speaking of true stories (brought to you by the PJMedia Institute for Ham-Fisted Segues), join me now for another week of chills, spills, and non-judgmental thrills on another…
Florida Man Friday!
Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
— Billy Corben (@BillyCorben) August 20, 2019
This security cam footage is missing just one thing: Yakety Sax.
Orange Man Groovy
The details, in case you need them:
Clearwater Police were called to the home of 23-year-old Brendan Timothy Dolan-King on Friday after reports of a drug overdose. After searching his home, police said they found illegal drugs, including MDMA pills that looked like the president hidden inside an air vent.
The ecstasy pills had six stars and ‘Trump NL’ stamped on the back.
According to The Smoking Gun, Dolan-King was charged on Friday. Lab tests reportedly confirmed that “a tan powder seized was fentanyl and that the Trump pills contained MDMA.”
For when you need the classiest, most luxurious, six-hour roll.
Spoiler Alert: She Pegged the Needle on the Breathalyzer
Not only was Mary Westerlund sure she would not pass a DUI test when police responded to a report of a drunk woman seated in a gray Acura with the engine turned off — the 62-year-old motorist tried to bet law enforcement officials she would more than double the state’s legal blood-alcohol limit of .08. Westerlund then blew that expectation out of the water, according to Sumter County police.
“The defendant provided two breath alcohol samples of .229 and .210,” according to an arrest affidavit filed around 11 p.m Monday. “Prior to starting the breath test the defendant advised she wanted to bet the the Intoxilyzer operator a quarter that she would blow a .190 BAC.”
She knew she was too drunk to drive. She was in the car, sure, but with the engine off. “Crimes” like this have nothing to do with public safety, and everything to do with raising revenue. Instead of arresting people like Westerlund, police ought to be helping them home or just leaving them alone. Florida Woman was wronged this time.
This Guy, On the Other Hand…
Book ’em, Danno.
Iguana Murder Madness
(Thank goodness for copy & paste, because the following paragraph gets longer every week.)
Seven weeks ago I reported to you that Florida officials were urging residents to kill iguanas. Six weeks ago something akin to hilarity ensued when a pellet-gun toting iguana-hunter missed and accidentally shot a pool boy instead. Five weeks ago, PETA urged: If you’re killing iguanas, do it in the “kindest manner possible.” Four weeks ago we learned of the South Florida hot tub that became a ‘Porta-Potty’ for iguanas. Three weeks ago we were told, “This isn’t the wild west,” as Florida authorities clarify state’s invasive iguana policy after public outcry. Then two weeks ago, a judge ordered a man who threw an iguana not to go “around bragging” about what he did. Last week, Florida’s favorite invasive species invaded a local supermarket.
And this week?
You know what wine pairs best with grilled iguana? PBR.
You might remember this story from last year, when Florida Man went hang-gliding in Switzerland — and nearly lost his life after the glider pilot forgot to attach the man’s safety harness.
A big VodkaPundit salute for your doggedness and courage, Florida Man! Here’s to hoping your next ride is much more fun.
Hot August Night
“A 29-year-old woman set fire to a man’s house after he invited her over for some late-night sex and then fell asleep, leaving her stranded outside.”
Lesson learned: If you invite someone over for a booty call, make sure you’re, ah, up for it.
No Joke: This Dog Looks Like the Joker
A Florida woman was furious after her dog — who went to the groomer for a simple maintenance appointment — returned with floppy pink ears and neon green eyebrows. https://t.co/XFecfT63Op
— FOX 5 DC (@fox5dc) August 20, 2019
Who does this?
You Get Exactly One Guess Where It Was
Click if you must, but the rest of us are moving right along…
Only in Florida: News Brief
This Story Could Have Happened in Any One of the 50 States
— Only_in_Florida (@0nlyInFlorida) August 22, 2019
I’m not condoning this, but I do understand it.
Meanwhile, in Great Britain…
A story like that one can mean but one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his Crown of Weirdness. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but have faith — and come back next week for another…
Florida Man Friday!