What Do You Do with a Losing Candidate?

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant idea from Roger Simon to keep losers like Al Gore and John Kerry from pursuing their ambitions even after voters told them not to:

I have a suggestion. Next time we have a presidential election, let’s give the loser an immediate prize so he doesn’t feel bad. It’s unfortunate we can’t give him the Nobel, but something else. We can make something up, but it has to be grand, like an Oscar but two or three times as large. Coronate him if we have to. Do anything for the loser, just so he doesn’t feel bad and leaves us alone.

I am behind this effort completely. Let’s take it a step further and amend the Constitution. As originally written (the 12th Amendment changed this), the Constitution said the second-place finisher in the Electoral College was to serve as the Vice President. While that turned out to be impractical, what I have in mind is wonderfully and usefully impractical.

What I propose is to create a new office for the runner up. Call him (or her, Hillary!) The Great and Majestic Grand Poo-Bah of the American Republic. In terms of official functions, it would be a lot like the Vice Presidency, only with a fancier hat. And maybe one of those fake fur things like you see old English kings wearing in cheap TV shows. They’ll get a big, gilded office with Greek columns and swirly banners with cheerful slogans on them. Hot and cold running secretaries. A very important daily briefing with little or no connection to reality, presented by an avuncular, out-of-work soap opera actor wearing an expensive suit. A nice salary and an expense account nobody looks into very closely. Sometimes, they’ll be encouraged to fire the soap opera actor, who will be replaced by another soap opera actor after being vetted in a fake Senate hearing. Their only official job will be to take a nap while sitting in a chair behind the President during the State of the Union address. A second official function worth considering would be to grant them the authority to waive parking tickets in any jurisdiction in the United States and its territories and possessions. They would certainly be issued an enormous gavel.

I figure a budget to run the whole show of no less than $500 million a year. Which is cheap, when you consider the damage these losers can cause left up to their own devices.

Unless you have a better idea?