Mall Cops to Breastfeeding Mom: Put Your Boobs Away! No One Wants to See Them!

For God’s sake, ladies! Wrap up your boobs, would you? It’s not like you’re showing off fabulous cleavage in a summer dress that no one would blink twice at. You’re feeding a baby. Gross. The nerve of some women is truly shocking, like this floozy who had the gall to take her baby to see the Easter Bunny and then sit in a corner and nurse her because she was hungry. Can you imagine? Shudder. Way to ruin Easter, lady! Where did she think she was? Rome during the rule of Caligula? There were children present. Children who might be forever traumatized by seeing a mother feeding a baby without a bottle. Yuck.

Security was on it though, and aren’t we grateful for mall security? They’re just so Johnny-on-the-spot with breastfeeding emergencies. Someone should give them a medal. They walked right up to the inconvenient nurser, Ashley Cooper, and told her she had to leave the quiet bench in a corner to go to the nursing room they had available. (Well, almost available, since there was someone in it.) But this ungrateful jerkface of a mother didn’t deign to wait her turn for the nursing closet where her offensive breasts would be hidden from view behind a closed door. She refused, and instead recorded her disobedience and put it on Facebook, flouting the rules security made up and exposing us all to her shirt scrunched up and a baby’s head under that. Just terrible.

Wanton display of shameless nursing behavior

These shameless women are simply going to destroy civilization with their incessant baby making and nurturing. Of course, everyone rallied to her side and gave her free stuff and lots of attention, proving that the only reason women breastfeed in public is for attention! It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with feeding a hungry baby because it involves breasts and those things are used for bizarre sexual rituals. Everyone knows this.

If you have to feed your baby with your freaky nipples, have the decency to go in the bathroom where people poop. That would be far more comfortable for mall cops and men over fifty, which is something every good mother cares deeply about—the comfort of random strangers. Maybe it would be best if she had just stayed home. The Easter Bunny isn’t real anyway. Best to rip that band-aid off for the kids early.

Cooper’s little tantrum, where she cited state law to security, was enough to get her kids a free ride on the carousel, which is probably what she was after. How dare she use laws to protect her rights to make one or two people uncomfortable? Witch.

After failing to corral Cooper, mall security was seen near Victoria’s Secret, passing under giant photographs of big-breasted models in thongs and sheer bras touching each other suggestively, which they sauntered past without pause, looking for the next brazen mama feeding a baby in an unapproved manner so they could remove her from the sensitive public eye.