You're LGBT? No One Cares Except the Left

LGBT comedians who open their set at an uber-woke New York City open-mike with “So I’m trans” will likely get screaming approval from the seven white hipsters milking their cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon. The rest of the nation will stare blankly, waiting for a punchline. We don’t stare because we are shocked, bothered, or scared. We just don’t care, and hasn’t that always been the goal?

I was performing a stand-up comedy show for a farmer’s convention in State College, Pa., a few years ago. The emcee started the show by saying, “So I’m gay,” in a somewhat challenging way to the 300 farmers in the crowd. When the crowd didn’t respond, the comedian proceeded to tell them that they were homophobic rubes. They were “too hillbilly” to recognize his “Pride pashima,” and they were certainly too close-minded to be treated to his material regarding his gender-fluid partner, Robert or Sasha, depending on how Rob/Sash was identifying that day. As we say in the industry, he bombed like a B-52. Not because the audience hates gay people; they didn’t care. He died like disco because he attacked the crowd.

After the show, the comedian told me how he bombed because farmers are spiteful bigots and are too stupid to get his jokes. This is KEY. Libs HAVE to feel they are VICTIMS, especially of rural, white bigotry even when it isn’t real. His statement was also a back-handed insult to me because I killed like smallpox. I told him the truth: he tanked like Rommel because he spoke down to them, and also, no one cares about his sexual preference. That’s the part he couldn’t bear. NO ONE CARES. I suggested HE hated THEM and needed to validate his hatred. He couldn’t take what I was saying and stormed out. We haven’t spoken since.

A trans comedian/comedienne I’ll call Stillamanda asked me for advice regarding a show we were about to do at an upstate New York VFW hall. The audience was white, rural, and obviously pro-military. Stillamanda feared for Stillamanda’s life.

“Should I do my trans jokes or will these rednecks kill me?” Stillamanda queried. Just then, we heard the audience begin to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. I howled. “I don’t know. Just be you,” I suggested.

NOTE: Stillamanda had made two prejudicial decisions: 1) the people are “rednecks,” 2) they want to kill Stillamanda because white, rural people hate trans people.

Stillamanada went on stage and had a great set talking about being trans. The “rednecks” didn’t care. They were there to laugh, not rape, kill, and butcher a trans person.

I remember a time when being an openly gay comedian was shocking and gutsy, but those days disappeared with Bill Clinton. Now, no one cares, and that’s the way it should be. It’s what the LGBT crew has always wanted. Except the Left. Libs are the people who are hyper-fixated on gender, race, sexual orientation, you name it. Everything they don’t want the rest of us to be fixated on.

A year later, I saw Stillamanda on Facebook sobbing about how everyone in upstate New York hates Stillamanda for being Stillamanda. I reminded Stillamanda that the VFW “rednecks” were nothing but kind to Stillamanda, but Stillamanda needed to be a victim, again of rural white bigotry that just didn’t exist. I’m not saying there isn’t some bigotry left in the country. There is a ton but it’s now mostly from the Left.

My suggestion to my LGBT comedian compadres who need to be victims: do a tour of Muslim countries. Let me know how that Pride pashmina goes over in the Leba-knees Slappers Lounge. Hit the Mo-Ha-Ha-Hamed Club and tell that joke about how only stupid people don’t believe women can have a penis. Do that rib-tickler bit about your gender-fluid partner at the Jihadi Har-Har Bar. Make sure to drop by and do a guest set at Saddam’s Comedy and Rape Room. When you come back you’ll be grateful to see an audience of white, rural people laughing for you and not caring about your gender. And don’t blow the light.

P.S. Comedians love phrases like “Bombed like a B-52,” “killed like smallpox,” “ate it like a free buffet,” etc. If you lovely readers feel like it, please leave your similar phrases in the comments section. Comedians will appreciate your humor.

Words for doing well on stage: kill, crush, destroy, slaughter, etc.

Words for doing badly onstage: bomb, eat it, tank, die, etc.