As the Disney song says, “There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow!” Unless of course, you’re San Francisco, in which case, tomorrow will probably involve stepping on yet another rake. Or in a pile of human excrement if someone fails to pick up their copy of the San Francisco Walking Tour Fecal Map.
In an effort to avoid changing the city’s nickname to the Bidet by the Bay, San Francisco Public Works partnered with the company JCDecaux to develop and launch the toilet of tomorrow, officially referred to as an “Amenipod.” A press release from the department gushed (so to speak):
“Beginning at Embarcadero Plaza, the original forest green Art Nouveau-style toilets are being replaced with a new model that has more efficient and effective cleaning systems, as well as better lighting that includes a skylight to bring in daylight from above and a rain-water collection network that supports routine washing. Their mechanical systems have been upgraded. The toilets self-clean after every use and the hand-washing system is stronger and more energy-efficient. As before, the public toilets will be accessible to people with disabilities and connected directly to City sewer, water and electrical lines.
The new toilets are unique to San Francisco, with a design that blends sculpture and technology to create a cleaner, safer and more hygienic experience,” said Bill Katz, design principal with SmithGroup. “With their modeled stainless-steel surface, they will literally reflect our diverse city neighborhoods and their deep-rooted history while creating sculptural street furniture.
As the toilets and kiosks are intended to be used for the next 20 years, they need to be not only timeless in their design but detailed, fabricated and maintained to withstand decades of public use.
In addition to serving as a platform for advertising, 10 of the 114 kiosks will house micro-retail establishments, such as newspaper stands, coffee vendors and artists, and another 15 will include interactive screens with public service announcements and wayfinding information. The advertising on the kiosks will offset JCDecaux’s capital costs for the toilets and the operating costs for the program. There will be no advertising on the public toilets.
In a partnership with San Francisco Arts Commission, 40 of the advertising kiosks along Market Street will include public art posters by local artists.”
And just in time for Christmas! And did you read the part about the micro-retail kiosks? Art! Entertainment! Snacks! Video screens! A trip to the Bionic Bathroom can turn into a full day of fun! The jokes are writing themselves at this point, but I’m not brave enough to make the most of ‘em.
The Blaze had a piece about it, and despite the glowing description, the Outhouse of Things to Come resembles a cross between an Airstream trailer and a disturbing set piece from David Lynch’s production of Dune.
Of course, this was an august development for the city. I guess a ceremony was held to mark the territory — I mean occasion. Maybe they christened it by breaking a bottle of champagne or Pepto-Bismol over the prow… or the door… or something. Perhaps Gavin Newsom was on hand to throw out the first urinal cake. I don’t know. I wasn’t on the guest list. Maybe they just flipped a switch, traded hand sanitizer spritzes, and went to lunch.
At any rate, opening day was November 23. The thrill of going where no man had gone before did not last long. By Friday, it was broken. Kaput. Out of order. The Amenipod had crapped out. The Blaze reported that according to a supervisor, “some lady went in there,” and afterward, the toilet was stuck in its self-cleaning cycle. Sounds like someone needs to see her gastroenterologist. The problem lasted until at least Saturday afternoon. Maybe it needed a software update? Did someone try turning it off and turning it on again?
Sigh. We just can’t have nice things, can we, San Francisco?
It is the perfect allegory for the Left. Great at generating the you-know-what and lousy at cleaning it up.
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