Your Evening Break: Stupid Criminal Tricks

Yes, the world is going to hell. You can cut and paste that headline onto almost every factor of your life. The economy is down, inflation is up, crime is rampant, the government is out of control, and, right after Christmas, you get to worry about taxes.

Be that as it may, be glad you are not Michael Conley Loyd, a 30-year-old resident of the Show Me State. He recently pleaded guilty to a federal charge of bank robbery after stealing less than $1,000 from a bank. Back in July, Loyd strolled into a Bank of America branch in Springfield, MO, according to The Blaze. Witnesses described Loyd as being dressed in a gray cutoff t-shirt and blue gym shorts. Curiously enough, he was wearing an orange shoe on his right foot. He was apparently not wearing anything on his left foot or was shod in something so unremarkable it was not worth noticing. Maybe it was a wingtip. Or a topsider. Those are pretty blasé. Probably a flip-flop. After all, it was July in Missouri.

Loyd sashayed up to a teller and handed over a note that read “Give Your Money Now. Don’t Say Anything. I Have A Partner Outside.” The teller handed over $754 and Loyd went on the run. Probably not very quickly, since he only had one shoe. Luckily, he had borrowed his roommate’s truck for the caper. But it was not long until the local constabulary showed up since that is what normally happens in bank robberies. He got a little nervous and decided to toss the cash and his demand note. And thanks to modern-day surveillance, he probably would not have gotten away with it, anyway. But Loyd did not exactly help his cause.

You see, in a world where Loyd could have written his demand on a Post-It note, a deposit slip, an old envelope, a McDonald’s receipt, a piece of printer paper, or a scrap off the ground, he chose his birth certificate. So he chucked that, along with another form of ID and the stolen cash when he realized the long arm of the law had arrived on the scene.  I guess he had those because the teller always asks for two forms of ID when you are robbing a bank. He could have just photocopied his driver’s license and used the back of that and saved everyone some time.

Loyd also decided to text his roommate to convince her to report her truck as stolen and keep an ear on the police scanner. Nope, no red flags, there. No, sir. Her boyfriend called the cops and Loyd was picked up at his residence–at the Lazy Acres Mobile Home Park, no less. He was still wearing his ankle monitor from a previous offense. Which he also wore during the heist. This was all done, according to Loyd, to prove an unknown point to his lover, Ashley. Prove a point? Hell, dude, you couldn’t even find your other shoe. Something tells me Ashley was not that impressed, to begin with. I think you have made all the points you can, pal. Ladies and gentlemen, your next reality TV star, soon to be seen on Loyd’s Trailer Park of Love and Felonies.

Loyd could have at least stopped to buy another shoe. Then he would have preserved some shred of his dignity. But he will get his birth certificate back, eventually. Those can be time consuming to replace. But chances are, he’ll be going by a number for a while. Maybe for up to 20 years. Plenty of time to learn how to use a day planner. I think a degree or a trade school may be a bit beyond his reach, at present.