It’s a time-honored tradition on International Women’s Day (which was March 8, for all you unenlightened male people who hate women and don’t care about made up holidays) for all the women of the world to get together and tell men what to do. We bring up all the ways they’ve historically oppressed us, all the injustices they’ve done us, and all the times they forgot to bring home milk even though we asked them and asked them and even sent a text message with a smiley face to show we weren’t nagging. All in all, it’s an important and necessary day for women to remind each other that, despite every indicator to the contrary, we are still victims. Hooray!
Parenting website Romper got into the traditional Women’s Day spirit with an article called “100 Easy Ways to Make Women’s Lives More Bearable.” Each and every item on this list is a gem worth reading, and rereading (until your eyes glaze over and you begin banging your head repeatedly on the table and muttering about the end of civilization), but I’ve excerpted 10 of the most thought-provoking entries for your enjoyment. And, since I know it can often be difficult for men to understand when whiny feminists begin whining about feminism, I’ve included my own translations.
“Trust women. When they teach you something, don’t feel the need to go and check for yourself. And especially do not Google it in front of them.”
Don’t feel anything or have any needs. Just sit very still. You can nod a little if you want. No, that’s too much. Ugh.
“Trans women are women. Repeat that until you perish.”
Lie to yourself over and over again, out loud, until you can’t breathe and you choke to death on feminist ideology. Then the world will be perfect.
“Buy sanitary pads and tampons and donate them to a homeless shelter. Just do it.”
The only reason homeless women even have periods is because of you. Don’t tell me that doesn’t make sense. You’re mansplaining again. Have you learned nothing?
“Open doors for women with caring responsibilities by offering flexible employment contracts.”
But don’t open actual doors for them, that’s sexist.
“Make a round of tea for the office.”
This has nothing to do with sexism, I’m just thirsty.
“Refuse to speak on an all-male panel.”
Just sit there silently for no reason.
“Understand that not all women have periods or vaginas.”
It helps women if you “understand” things that aren’t true. Then you look stupid and we can laugh at you.
“If a woman accidentally bleeds on you, try your absolute best to just keep your sh*t together.”
Then call an ambulance. Or give her a band-aid.
“Uplift young Black and Indigenous girls at every possible opportunity. No excuses.”
It doesn’t matter if they scream or insist they don’t know you, just keep holding them high in the air. They deserve it.
“Do not ever assume you know what it’s like.”
It doesn’t matter what “it” is. Just don’t assume, okay?
Well, there you have it. I highly recommend reading the full list, if only for a good laugh, or to lament the state of our culture. But, if you’ve been badgered enough for one day, I’ll simply leave you with these last words of wisdom from the article: “It’s General Leia, not princess. The Doctor has a companion, not an assistant. It’s Doctor Bartlett, not Mrs Madame First Lady.” Thank goodness somebody’s living in reality.