7:47AM When Aaron asked me to drunkblog this thing — I think he was kidding about getting drunk at 9AM — I almost said no. Making fun of Tiger Woods? It’s like going to see Olivier perform Macbeth on stage, and spending the entire show laughing and pointing at that stupid young king. So we’ll see what happens.
7:53AM We’ve got a tiny little technical glitch. That 3:37PM timestamp should read something around 7:46AM Pacific. Totally my bad, for clicking the submit button before the post was published. We’re working on it.
7:54AM OK, another tiny glitch. That 3:53PM timestamp should be 7:52AM Pacific. That one isn’t my bad. I don’t think. Anyway, if we’re pretending it’s that late in the afternoon, can I go ahead and have a martini? Just a little one?
7:55AM What’s your take? What does Tiger need to do today? Or should he retire from public life?
7:58AM Back to the Shakespeare thing while we work on the tech issues. Here’s a guy who, before he was thirty, totally changed golf. He turned it from a lazy man’s activity into a competitive sport, pretty much through sheer force of will and an almost inhuman effort. And then… the harem of slightly skanky nightclub hostesses. Epic tragedy. And like all tragedy, self-inflicted. It’s really hard to find the funny. Especially sober. But I’m working on it.
8:02AM Wow. The… Tigerness… I don’t see it.
8:02AM “I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior.” That’s a solid mea culpa.
8:03AM “My real apology to here will not come from words, but… from behavior over time.” And he’s trying to keep what’s private, private — as best as can.
8:05AM “My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners…” You know what I’m finding grating? “My behavior,” as if it’s something separate from himself. How about “I have caused considerable worry… ?”
8:05AM “I have made you question who I am.” OK, we’re away from the “my behavior” thing.
8:06AM “Never hit me that night or any other night.” This is a man defending his wife… at long last.
8:06AM “I cheated. What I did was not acceptable and I am the only person to blame.”
8:07AM “I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to.” Well, yeah. “I thought I was entitled.” Well, duh. “I was wrong, I was foolish.”
8:07AM “I don’t get to play by different rules.”
8:08AM This seems like an honestly contrite man. “I want to live a life of integrity.”
8:09AM “It’s hard to admit that I need help, but I do.” From 45 days he was in in-patient therapy. Well, now we’ve known where he’s been and why he hasn’t spoken until now.
8:10AM “Please know that as far as I’m concerned… these questions are between… a husband and a wife.”
8:11AM If he’d have come out with the Tigerness intact, I think we’d all say, “this is an act.” And we’d probably be right. But what I see here… I think is real. But is it enough?
8:11AM “Please leave my wife and kids alone.” A nice little indictment of the MSM.
8:12AM Tiger’s come-to-Jesus moment is to announce he’s gone back to Buddha.
8:13AM “More treatment and more therapy.”
8:13AM Oh, boy. Nothing kills a nice conversation than a statement starting with, “In therapy… ”
8:14AM “I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don’t know when that day will be.” “I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game.”
8:15AM Those last two statements were what the PGA really needed to hear. If there’s a tale of redemption here for advertisers to tell, it won’t happen any time soon.
8:15AM “Someday, believe in me again.”
I think I’d like to.
8:18AM So… what makes an incredibly successful, fit, handsome young man want to have sex with lots of beautiful women? OK, it’s hardly a mystery. But one of the things that really bothered people, is that the women involved were not gorgeous and glamorous. Far from it. I’m looking at one of them right now, having her attorney speak for her. Veronica someone. And if that’s who Tiger cheats on with his wife, you’ve got to wonder what he really thinks of himself.
8:20AM “This former porn star is also a human being.” A human being who has hired a lawyer too trashy for porn.
8:22AM This is… pretty unwatchable.
8:23AM Hey, Aaron? How about next time we do this on a tape delay. I don’t need much extra time — just enough to slam some grain liquor and pre-bleach my eyes.
8:34AM It look like we’re getting the tech glitches fixed now, so it must be time to wrap it up. I’ll try and do the Wise Pundit Thing, but it’s not that easy this early in the day and with pants on.
Tiger’s apology seemed genuine and contrite. He’s doing all the right things, and hopefully not just going through all the motions. I’d like to watch him play golf again. Maybe not soon, but “someday,” as he said. The Tigerness, however, is just gone. After after seeing Veronica Siwik-Daniels, I’m not sure any of us will see the Tigerness again. That illusion’s just shattered.
But you sure want to wish him and his family — and the game of golf — well.