Through the Teleprompter Glass

Dateline: The White House, Washington, D.C., Wednesday, November 3, 2010.

Today is the day after the day that I have to admit was not one of my best days.

Dead people … you let me down! Especially in Illinois! I counted on your votes to carry our Democratic candidates to victory, but instead you stayed dead. This is why Chicago needs Rahm as mayor; he knows how to get dead people to the polls.

And you ACORNS? So helpful in 2008 … what happened? Did you all grow into big trees, anchored to the ground and unable to get to the polls?

I am especially disappointed with all of you in the New Black Panther Party.

You so effectively intimidated voters in Philly for me during the last election with your billy clubs and paramilitary uniforms. What the heck happened yesterday? Were you hiding from Fox News?

But today is not for finger pointing.

My daughter Sasha said to me this morning at breakfast, “Dad, you really took a whuppin’ last night.” And I said, “No, not a whuppin’; I was just having a teachable moment.”

She asked me what I learned and I told her I learned I can no longer blame President George W. Bush for all our nation’s problems. So from this day on I will delete the words “I inherited” from my teleprompter. I know you are all sick of hearing “I inherited the worst economy since the Great Depression,” “I inherited two wars,” and “I inherited a financial crisis” — and frankly I am as well.

Now, instead of “I inherited” I will say, “It’s not my fault.” As in, it’s not my fault the Republicans now control Congress.

It’s not my fault Americans don’t understand what I have done for them.

It’s not my fault unemployment rates have remained high.

It’s not my fault there are no such things as shovel-ready projects.

It’s not my fault that billions of stimulus dollars were wasted.

It’s not my fault your health insurance premiums are dramatically increasing.

It not my fault White House staffers are fleeing.

It’s not my fault the rise of the oceans never slowed and our planet never healed.

Now that the midterm elections are finally over, I will be busy working on two great initiatives for the benefit of the American people.

The first initiative calls for stimulating the economy with the increased production of Krazy Glue. This stems from our need to ensure that whenever I travel across our nation there will always be an ample supply so never again will my presidential seal fall off my podium.

The second great initiative is my 2012 re-election. Yesterday’s teachable moment taught me that I am through with teachable moments. So starting today I have issued an executive order for a full-scale mobilization of every dead person who did not vote yesterday. I will be appointing a resurrection czar to ensure that every Democrat family will be reunited with their loved ones just in time to get them to the polls on November 6, 2012.

Finally, as president I am often asked, “What keeps you up at night?” Well, let me tell you what kept me up last night.

Remember back in November 2004 when I was first elected senator from Illinois? That means yesterday if I were still a senator, I would have been up for re-election. So last night I wondered: would I have lost my seat? Unfortunately my former Senate seat was lost yesterday to a Republican, but thankfully it wasn’t me on the ballot.

Then I fell into a deep sleep knowing the loss of my old Senate seat wasn’t my fault.