The Front Porch: Summer, September, and Seasonal Stuff

How hot is it where you live? Here in eastern North Carolina, the temperature and the humidity are twins: 94 degrees with 94% humidity. It's awful. My people down in Texas got some rain from Tropical Storm Too Many Vowels — Eduowardo, because Edward is too pedestrian? — but it's still dry as a bone in the Great Plains. Drought.gov indicates a whopping 79% of the lower 48 are abnormally dry. Even my brother up in Maine has temperatures above normal.

The tomatoes in my vegetable garden are pleading to be finished for the season. Early Girl? She's tired. Big Boy just wants to take a nap in the compost heap. But it's too soon to get broccoli, cabbage, and carrots in the ground — the sun will scorch their leaves! Meanwhile, the hardware store is doing its best to sell me plastic pumpkins that look like highland cows and pressed-metal scarecrows like it's time to break out the flannel. 

Don't get me wrong — like I'm sure you do, I adore autumn. But this ain't it, y'all. If I still lose a tenth of my body weight in sweat while mowing the lawn, the pumpkins and all of the accompanying spices need to stay in storage. When I put away my swimsuit, then we can roll out the harvest-themed decorations and flavors. But I get it: Trees are dumping leaves in swimming pools that are still in use. It's a confusing time. 

Clearly, the only season we can be sure of at this moment in time is Football Season. Hallelujah, it's here, y'all.

Now, friend, I'm going to stop you before the whole "boycott the NFL!" and "college football is a racket!" spiel. Put down your hackles, please and thank you. Is the NFL completely out of touch with more than half of its audience? Well, no one ever accused Roger Goodell of being the sharpest tool in the shed. Can college athletes make more than professionals? Well, Lane Kiffin (because, of course, it's Lane Kiffin) has brought two players to the LSU roster after their brief involvement (training camp) with pro teams, soooo…

As an unabashed sports fan, it's hard for me to forgo football, baseball, the Olympics, insert athletic event here. Is it perfect? No, but like Andrew Breitbart so aptly taught us and Charlie Kirk so beautifully demonstrated, culture is upstream of politics. We have to engage in the places where we are the political minority if we want to have a shot at changing anything. Andrew lived in Los Angeles and loved the Dodgers. Charlie welcomed all kinds of people on college campuses. If we hate everything, we sound a lot like the other side, don't we? Bootstrap conservatives aren't ones to quit when it gets hard, right? Right!

Oh, and one more thing: the television contracts are negotiated and paid upfront — it's not commission-based, so if you don't watch in protest, you really aren't doing anything except making room for someone else. Take up space the way those new Philadelphia Eagles male cheerleaders take up space! 

Now that we've established it's okay to enjoy a game, let's talk about establishing community. Any excuse to invite folks over is a good one, and watching powerhouse teams go up against schools you couldn't point to on a map? Yes, and that's exactly what Week 1 of this college football season is for! 

Out here, the hometown favorites Eastern Carolina (ECU) are playing Alabama tomorrow at noon. I went to Baylor pre-RGIII when it was a good season if we beat Samford or Texas State, so it's a safe bet these ECU students are going to enjoy watching the Crimson Tide as much as anything — that's how we 2002 Bears felt whenever the Aggies or Longhorns came to town. "Oh, no, we're going to lose, but when else are we going to see a big team/band like this?!"

All of the 12 o'clock games have at least one team whose color is red, so let's start the day with a Bloody Mary bar. This is such an impressive-looking setup that will wow the next-door neighbor that you'll be hard-pressed not to brag about how easy it is to do. Tip: Do not brush off the compliments! Let people praise you for your hosting prowess because, hey, you opened those jars like a champ!

Bloody Mary Bar

• Bottle of vodka
• Bottle of Bloody Mary mix
• Tall glasses (it's even better if they don't match, especially if you're having multiple people over)
• Plenty of ice (big cubes are better than crushed or pellets, but you do you)
• Straws

Those are the bare bones. You can stop right there and have a good time. If you want to take it up a notch, let's go!

• Bottle of your favorite hot sauce
• Bottle of Worcestershire sauce 
• Skewers
• Green olives (don't feel like you have to put them in a pretty dish when the jar is just fine)
• Lime wedges
• Celery stalks

Now, if you really want to pull out all of the stops without breaking a sweat, add these items to the counter:

• A plate of tajín (for seasoning the rim of the glass)
• Pickles, and I'm talking spears, okra, green beans, carrots, asparagus, all of it
• Shrimp cocktail ring (yes, the kind you pick up in the refrigerator case at the supermarket)
• Charcuterie, such as pepperoni, salami, capicola, or even deli ham
• Cubes of cheese, cheddar and pepper jack are classic, but mix it up with Swiss, muenster, or havarti

Yes, you'll see folks on social media with their Bloody Marys that look like Carmen Miranda in her prime with a full buffet exploding out of a glass. Don't aim for that. Not only will you save yourself money, prep, and clean-up, but your guests will be overwhelmed by the choices. Bloody Mary + snack = you're awesome.

Also for our VIPs: The Front Porch: Off the Beaten Path in Texas

The afternoon games are in that weird time between lunch and dinner, so if you have people over, I'd keep the fare light. I'll set out dips and chips, then kick back to watch my Baylor Bears take on Auburn. This can be as simple as going to the chip aisle and grabbing jars of French onion, salsa, and queso, or you can put my 7-layer dip on the table.

Not Yo' Mama's 7-Layer Dip

1. Refried beans — smear this on the bottom of a glass baking dish to anchor the other layers and catch all of the liquids
2. Taco meat — I prefer ground beef, but you could easily use chorizo or chopped fajita chicken
3. Guacamole — you could go through the hassle of making your own, but with all of these other flavors, your gift would be lost in the melee, so just grab the pre-made stuff and move on
4. Sour cream — plain sour cream is fine, but I like to stir in lime juice
5. Salsa — no doctoring, just your favorite salsa
6. Cheese — shred of choice
7. Pico de gallo — chopped tomatoes, onions, jalapeños, and cilantro tossed with salt and lime juice

If you don't like one of my layers, you can resort to the traditional black olives (one of the few foods I cannot stand). If there's more than one layer that's a problem, just get the jarred stuff in the chip aisle. Trust me, Jerry from Accounting or whoever you have over won't judge you. My 7-layer dip goes well with corn chip scoops, tortilla chips, and cold domestic beer.

The evening lineup is stacked with heavyweights, but as much as I love my Texas schools, I'm going to be watching Clemson take on LSU, and here's why: I don't think NFL rookies should be brought back to college to "exercise" their final year of eligibility, and that's exactly what Lane Kiffin is doing in his inaugural game as Louisiana State's head coach — I want Clemson to win. Bigly. 

Since this match will be Tigers versus Tigers, I'm going to fire up a spin on ribs that will shock and amaze Workout Wendy — you know, the woman who suffers next to you every Tuesday in spin class? Never mind. Put the barbecue sauce away and break out the foil, y'all, cause it's about to get funky.

Tiger Tail Ribs

To season the ribs, combine 1 tablespoon each of salt, black pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and dried cilantro in a bowl. Rub the ribs front and back with the dry mix and put in it the fridge for a couple of hours. This is a good thing to do before the first game.

I don't have a smoker and I don't want to babysit a grill because it's eleventy-thousand degrees outside, so I'm using the oven. When you are ready to bake off the ribs, pre-heat the oven to 250º F and tightly wrap your ribs in foil, but leave one end open because you're going to pour 1 cup of orange juice into the foil packet before sealing it completely.

Bake the ribs on the middle rack for 3 hours at 250º. This is a great set-and-forget task during the second game.

In that weird time between the afternoon and the evening game, make the sauce. In a saucepan, combine the following:

• 6 ounces pepper jelly
• 4 ounces of liquid (more OJ, beer, chicken broth)
• 1 fresh jalapeño, seeds removed and diced
• 1 tablespoon of Worcestershire sauce
• 1 clove garlic, pressed or grated
• 1 small white onion, chopped.

Over medium-low heat, stir gently until everything comes together in a saucy consistency. Let it cook down for 10 minutes. 

When your ribs are finished baking, cut open the foil packet right down the middle and roll back the sides to expose the top of the meat. Spoon a layer of sauce over the meat and put under the broiler (set to high, still using the middle rack) for 2 minutes. Repeat layer-of-sauce-and-broil until you have a gorgeous glaze; I am a pretty solid four-layers-of-sauce gal.

To serve these meaty morsels up, cut the ribs into individual bones and arrange on a pie dish with a small bowl of the leftover sauce for dipping. If you and your friends like it spicy, squeeze sriracha in artsy lines over the platter right before you eat. Fresh, chopped cilantro over the top makes it feel fancy.

Take all, some, or none of the suggestions and have yourself a good weekend! Remember to drink responsibly and cheer boisterously. Speaking of cheering, who's your team? Tell me in the comments. Let's get some rivalries going, but please, keep the trash-talking rated PG-13, although I'm not sure that limits too much these days. Keep it classy, that's all.