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Christians mock gays at shocking Easter service

April 27th, 2011 - 12:10 pm

Thousands of Christians gathered for an outdoor Easter Sunday service in San Francisco to publicly mock gays and humiliate gay heroes.

The flagrant attack, which included skits, obscenities and impersonations satirizing gays and gay stereotypes, sent shockwaves of outrage and disgust throughout the region and across the nation.

This report features photo and video documentation of the free public Easter service, which was attended by a majority of Christians in the city, who laughed at and insulted gays and the homosexual community.


Thousands of Christians make fun of gay stereotypes by dressing up as gays in Mission Dolores Park as they watch an anti-gay religious service and performance.


One of the Christian performers paraded around nude on stage, in an attempt to make gays look bad.


Another Christian satirized gay behavior by standing on his head and displaying his anus to the crowd.

This 12-minute (NSFW) video shows highlights of the shocking Easter service:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gW6NM586-mE

Furthermore – - -

booooooooooooop!

THIS HAS BEEN A TEST OF THE

EMERGENCY DOUBLE-STANDARD SYSTEM

If this had been an actual case of Christians mocking gays, you would have heard about it in the mainstream media.

As you’ve undoubtedly noticed by now, everything in the report above is the exact opposite of true. Yes, there really was a huge public event in San Francisco on Easter Sunday involving Christians, gays, mockery and humiliation. But it was gays mocking Christians and it involved thousands of people laughing at the Christian “hero,” Jesus.

The event in question is known as the “Hunky Jesus” competition, a semi-serious annual male beauty contest seeking to crown the “hunkiest” — i.e. most sexually appealing — gay (preferably half-nude) Jesus lookalike in San Francisco. Actually, Hunky Jesus is only part of the story; it’s the culmination of a day-long Easter Sunday festival in the city’s Mission Dolores Park. The massive public party/picnic is the closest thing San Francisco has to a municipal Easter celebration, and features several events including an Easter egg hunt for kids, burlesque shows, a campy Easter bonnet contest, musical groups and so on, with Hunky Jesus as the headlining final performance.

As you will soon see in the report below, Hunky Jesus is intentionally as blasphemous as possible, an over-the-top religious-themed sexual beauty contest steeped in mockery of Christians and Christian beliefs.

Now, you might think, considering how I started this report, that I’m opposed to the Hunky Jesus contest and everything it stands for. But you couldn’t be more wrong.

I actually like Hunky Jesus; I’m not a Christian, nor am I religious in the slightest, so the “blasphemy” doesn’t bother me one bit.

No, what bothers me is the double standard. In San Francisco (and places like San Francisco, including most newsrooms and TV studios), it’s perfectly acceptable to mock Christians. But to turn the tables and mock gays in a similar way is considered totally beyond the pale; a hate crime; bullying; bigotry and oppression of the worst kind.

If the story as I originally titled it was true (“Christians mock gays at shocking Easter service“), it would indeed have been national news. But when the reverse happens — silence. And what this tells me is that our society is currently enduring a condition of mass rank hypocrisy.

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Since the gay community has carte blanche to mock Christians (as proven here), then the reverse should also be true — Christians should be free if they so choose to publicly mock gays or the stereotypical gay lifestyle. Why not? Neither side may like the mockery, but fair is fair.

To be consistent, we should either allow even-handed free speech for (and against) everyone — or ban all critical speech whatsoever. And that second option is the road to totalitarianism (not to mention being unconstituional), so Option 1 it must be: free speech for all.

As you will see in the photos and videos below, the gay community is very, very good at dishing it out. But can they take it? The moment anyone attempts the slightest mockery or put-down of stereotypical “gayness,” an entire class of professional victimologists and whiners and lawyers go apoplectic; no criticism or mockery is allowed!

This double-standard (and similar double-standards — take your pick) is destroying our national soul. I demand equal rights for all — the right to mock the target of your choice. The gay community wants to mock Christianity? Fine. Go for it. But then you necessarily must be prepared to take it on the chin uncomplainingly when it’s time to turn the tables and you are on the receiving end of the mockery.

Sound fair? Sounds fair to me. Now let’s have some apolitical fun at the Hunky Jesus contest!

Hunky Jesus 2011


“Hunky Jesus” is an annual gay beauty pageant hosted by San Francisco’s “Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence,” a satirical order of transvestite faux nuns who frequently host stage shows and also organize various charity events in the gay community. (Personally, I think dressing up as a drag nun stopped being funny about 25 years ago, but that’s just me.) Since the event is always held on Easter, and since the “Sisters” are based on the concept of mocking Christianity, the goal of Hunky Jesus is to make as much fun of the image of Jesus as possible. To that end, each contestant is encouraged to come up with his own unique campy Jesus-themed persona. Either that, or actually be hunky, which is a much taller order. Most opt for camp. So, this year, we had…


“Pain Slut Jesus” and his very sexy dominatrix…


“Fat Drunk Redneck Jesus” and his bottle of cheap wine…


Samurai Jesus, or as he called himself, “Son of God-zilla”…


…and “Yoga Jesus,” who did not win but got my vote for “Contestant Who Most Resembled What the Real Jesus Probably Looked Like.” (Not including the nipple rings.)

In the “serious contestant” category, one entrant was the indisputable early front-runner, probably the hunkiest Jesus ever, who gave himself the optimistic name…


The Hunky Jesus.” He wasn’t kidding! Each contestant lined up for an official portait by a professional photographer; the crowd cheered when “The Hunky Jesus” posed for the camera (click picture to see why).


“Lardy Gaga Jesus” had her photo shoot interrupted by…


The photographer’s young daughter, who suddenly had a kid crisis that needed urgent attention.

Kids, I say? Isn’t this event a little too outré for kids? Well, not in San Francisco. In fact…


The most obscene contestant, “Jesus Fucking Christ,” whose act involved humping the rear end of a secondary Christ mannekin…


…frequently showed off his Christ-fucking skills to the many kids in the crowd. (Remember, the afternoon started off with an Easter-egg hunt, so countless families with children were on hand.)

Speaking of the audience, and of fucking things…


A tranny watching the show had a tattoo depicting a “Tom of Finland” stud literally fucking the world.

Before I get too off-track, I should stop teasing and deliver the goods. Above, in the “double-standard” version of the report, I originally presented a 7-minute video that showed just a few highlights of the contest itself, but that was yanked by YouTube. So I replaced it with this 12-minute version. Anyway, here it is again, in all its glory, is the full 12-minute (NSFW) video showing everything you need to know about the Hunky Jesus contest:

Hunky Jesus 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gW6NM586-mE

UPDATE:
Someone in the front row with a high-end video camera has posted an even better YouTube video of the contest; if you want to see it all in even more glorious detail, watch it HERE and then come back and read the rest of the report.

For those of you who don’t want to watch the whole thing, I took a few screenshots of memorable moments, which I’ll display here, with explanatory captions:


The very first contestant was a baby, whom his parents (“Mary and Joseph,” naturally) dubbed “Baby Jeebus.”


“Pain Slut Jesus” and his nun dominatrix were early favorites, and entertained the crowd with some on-stage whipping.


“Pass Around Party Bottom Jesus,” who simulated inhaling “poppers” (amyl nitrate, taken to facilitate anal sex because it loosens the sphincter), bent over and offered himself to the cheering crowd.


Blond Jesus upped the ante by whipping out a long rubber dildo.


But the moment “The Hunky Jesus” came on stage, everyone knew that the rest of the candidates were merely jokes, and this guy was truly “in it to win it.” Especially when he took off his loincloth and displayed his divinity in its full glory to the ecstatic audience. (Don’t click the picture, unless you want to be struck blind.)


One of the MCs then at first tried to cover up Jesus’s modesty, but it was all a ruse — he soon began masturbating Jesus’s limp noodle, saying “We can not have this! This is absolutely wrong!”


A barely-clad “Yoga Jesus” said he had climbed off the cross and wanted to show us some other positions. So he…


…stood on his head to exhibit his minimally clad naughty bits. (Again, don’t click the picture.)


But “Jesus Fucking Christ” was the crowd favorite; the roar was deafening when he started humping.


In the end, the Sisters couldn’t decide between The Hunky Jesus and Jesus Fucking Christ, and so arranged a cheer-off, letting the audience decide. To my disappointment, J F’ing C drew the loudest cheer, defeating T H C and winning the crown of Hunky Jesus 2011.


In case you’re wondering how a joke candidate could defeat the hunkiest Jesus ever, this is why: What you see here is a view of the stage from the middle of the vast crowd. Most people in the audience were so far away, they couldn’t even really see the contestants clearly. The Hunky Jesus was the obvious favorite of those within eyesight of the stage; but Jesus Fucking Christ was a simple joke that even those way in the back could appreciate, so the great mass of attendees cheered him on.

A Stroll Through the Crowd

Not all the action was up on stage. People-watching was the day’s primary form of entertainment, and countless shutterbugs like me wandered through the crowd snapping pictures of the many fantabulous show-offs.


Shaolin Drag Peep, I dub thee.


Catholic schoolbears.


Who is this “Chris”? I’d like to shake his hand!


Steampunk Jockstrap Easter Bunny?


This guy wasn’t in the contest, but he should have been: a true “fisher of men.”


Well hello, sailor!


This being the Bay Area, you can’t escape the Che-worship, even at a putatively non-political event.


But the real low point was spotting one of my fellow photographers proudly sporting an anti-Israel message. Yeah, just try having a Hunky Isa contest in Gaza or the West Bank, and see how long you survive. Jerk!


The day’s MC was a 7-foot-tall transvestite (heels included).


Immediately before the Hunky Jesus contest was a highly entertaining performance by Boylesque, a sexy male stripper/burlesque troupe featuring a Great Gatsby/Roaring ’20s dance routine.


By show’s end, only one dancer still had his bunny-undies on; the rest were starkers, except for strategically placed hands.

The Contestants

For those who want an official run-down of the various amusing Hunky Jesus contestants, here are some snaps I took as they wandered around before and after the show:


“Beverly Hills Jesus” as he dubbed himself, a.k.a. “Homoboy Jesus” according to his cross.


“Grilled Cheesus” won my award for most ill-conceived costume. He occasionally would “cheez-jaculate” on people with a can of Cheez-Wiz.


Hula Hoop Jesus was definitely the most narcissistic of the bunch. He really seemed to think he was going to win.


“Your Chocolate Savior” was easily the second-hunkiest of the Jesuses, and also had among the most authentic costumes, but unfortunately only made it to the semi-finals.


Here’s “Peepus,” the Peeps Jesus.

There was, in my estimation, a four-way tie for Worst Hunky Jesus. The nominees were:


“Our Lady of the Generous Dumpster,” as he dubbed himself, who was definitely the laziest contestant; all he did was grab some flowers out of a Dumpster and put on a robe.


“Union Rep Jesus,” who wore a utili-kilt.


“Lefty,” who carried an upside-down cross, wore evil-clown makeup, and occasionally assaulted the other contestants.

And finally, the unexpected winner in the “worst” category:


“Jesus, minister of Allah.” Seriously, that’s what he called himself (as you can see in the full video above). He was the only contestant who seemed to have an actual “Jesus Complex,” and sincerely believed he was a messenger from God — or in his case, Allah. The crowd fell silent when he announced himself and the Sisters quickly hustled him out of the spotlight.

More Jesuses:


Blond Jesus, with his ding-dong still safely hidden in his robe.


Baby Jeebus, waiting patiently to go on stage.


“Pass-Around Party Jesus,” savoring his triumphant stage appearance.


Though he did seem inordinately fond of bending over.


“Sunscreen Jesus,” who definitely was the least “hunky” of the contestants.


“Stimulus Package Jesus,” the only contestant with a political theme.


I know all you non-gay male readers want more of Pain Slut’s dominatrix, so here she is again.


“Jesus Fucking Christ”‘s official portrait.


After winning the whole contest, he came off stage and confessed, “It amazes me that a joke could win out over good looks.”


In case anyone out there wants a G-rated version of The Hunky Jesus exposing himself, here’s the moment from a safer angle.


The best and one of the worst seemed to make friends when the contest was all over. Awwwww….


After I left and was walking through the Mission District, “Lefty,” still clutching his upside-down cross, came careening down the street on his bike yelling “No brakes! No brakes!”

And I thought: No brakes indeed. A fitting summation.


For the curious, and to prove this isn’t a one-time only event, here are videos from previous years:

Hunky Jesus 2009
Hunky Jesus 2008

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