Thirty-five years ago this week, a six-year-old Christine O’Donnell, high on Twinkies and Pop Rocks, showed up at the kickball game of a classmate and ended up spending the afternoon in his rumpus room. Here’s the story of his escapade with the would-be Delaware senator.
I barely knew Christine when she turned up at my kickball game during recess. It was Halloween, 1975. We’d met for the first time only three months earlier when she sashayed into Mrs. Monroe’s elementary school class. Every boy in the class turned to stare, but not me. No, I was immune to her charms. In fact, I hadn’t thought of her since, not once, despite the fact that she sat in front of me and taunted me with her mesmerizing ponytail.
Yet here she was watching my kickball game, standing there with a friend. And both of them were on a sugar rush, flying high on Twinkies and Pop Rocks — a deadly combination.
She asked if she and her friend could join our kickball game. Jimmy yelled, “No gurls allowed!” Undaunted, Christine suggested that she and I meet again after school and retire to my downstairs rumpus room, where I could help her change into a Halloween costume for the after-school playground parade. How could I say no?
But when she showed up that afternoon, she was already dressed in her ladybug costume. I was wearing my brother’s Cub Scout uniform. There was an awkward silence. I looked her up and down. She couldn’t be more than five-and-a-half, I surmised — five-and-three-quarters at most. When I later found out that she was already six, and that I had spent the afternoon with an older girl, I just couldn’t cope with it. I thought to myself, “One day this girl is going to use her youthful looks for political gain.”
Then she got this sly twinkle in her eye and said, “Wanna play patty-cake? In the rumpus room?”
What choice did I have?
We went downstairs and closed the door so my Mom couldn’t hear.
Things got physical pretty fast.
She started warming up by clapping her hands together and rehearsing her lines: “Patty-cake patty-cake, baker’s man…”. Yet even before she got to practicing the “Bake me a cake as fast as you can” part, I got a gander at her fingernails. I immediately noticed that the trimming trend had completely passed her by. Gross!
Then she stopped and said, “You know — I’ve never done this before.”
I could hardly believe that was true. How could a good-to-go girl like Christine have never played patty-cake before? She must have had dozens of invitations. She then confessed that, well, back in nursery school she had played patty-cake a few times, but that she was a new girl now, “born again” as she called it. This was the first time since she had sworn off her patty-cakin’ ways.
But those untrimmed fingernails were just too much for me to handle. The thought of clapping our hands together made me physically nauseous. So I used her “never done this kind of thing before” line as an excuse to stop the game before it started: “How about we just watch Banana Splits reruns instead?”
“Good idea,” she said. “I didn’t really want to play patty-cake anyway. I was just testing myself.”
So we went upstairs and watched The Banana Splits, while my mom gave us oatmeal cookies and milk. Then we went to the parade — where she hooked up with Jimmy! (Later, he told me that she never once played patty-cake with him either.)
Oh, did I say that I actually had played patty-cake with Christine O’Donnell? Sorry about that. Didn’t mean to lure you in with a deceptive headline or anything like that. It’s just that Stalker.com pays a pretty penny for this kind of story, so I thought I’d better cash in now while the cashing was good.
Good stuff! Thanks for the laugh on my way out the door.
Playing patty-cake is no laughing matter. Roger Rabbit was barely able to cope when he was shown pictures of his wife playing patty-cake with a(nother?) man.
You don’t know the half of it; the high school years were worse:
http://www.christyanity.com/pdf/OCStiggs
I Also Slept with Delaware Republican Senate Candidate Christine O’Donnell
http://www.practicalstate.com/?p=3040
Cheers
These Christian monsters have to be stopped before they devour the entire welfare system and replace it with charity or something.
and Snort…
Tra La La…
(Or that’s what I remember).
Thanks for the memory.
“Fleegle, Bingo, Trooper and Snort.”
That’s pretty close, but the actual names of the Banana Splits were Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper, and Snorky.
I knew Christine when she was a Pixy Stix pusher in 2nd grade. She was also a “candy cigarettes’ pretend smoker. And, don’t even get me started about the times we made our Barbies hump with Ken! SCANDAL!
“I knew Christine when she was a Pixy Stix pusher in 2nd grade. She was also a “candy cigarettes’ pretend smoker”
I stood in line behind Christine O’Donnell at Mickey D’s when she was 9. She asked for a small diet coke instead of milk in her McNuggets Happy Meal & right then I knew she was an worthless tramp who only thought about her looks, even though she practically oozed trans fat. Tracking down the original McDonald’s videotape should be as easy as “Hot Apple Pie” for stalkers OR gawkers.
The road to slut-hood is a one way road to doom. There is no way back. My faithful dog Jaws the Wonder Dog fell into such a trap by being lured into having sex with some human politician named Nancy Peelosi for the price of three pounds of beef jerky. He died in agony from a STD he received for his services.
Its sad how the wicked take advantage of the innocent.
I’m not exactly wild about COD as a candidate, but the Gawker/stalker piece managed to be pathetic and despicable at the same time. Thanks for this parody!
Ooops…I thought i was on a conservative website.Instesd of The dailyCommunist Kos’,The huff’n Puff’nton post Media No-longer Matters,And move-on.borgs.You know; where liberal men like Dennis Kucinich,And Bill Maher,Have to buy their women.And Liberal women,Who can never find,or keep a husband,But can always find a sugar daddy,Be it Man,or Government/Taxpayers.Yet the subject matter is; Mocking a womans Intelligence because of her youthful indiscretions.No Its about a woman that Believes there is a higher purpose than herself.How sad,and pathetic.How many are so offended by God.That claim to be constitutionalist inclined.Especially when our founding fathers made clear that The Ten Commandments,And biblical principals were their Inspiration for the Constitution.Even by those founders who wern’t religious,christian,nor believers of God.Said of all beliefs. the bible,and the Ten Commandments,words,wisdom,principals,character,And laws were the most sound,Based,on life,liberty.equality,and justice for all.For the rights of a people not the power of special interest predators,and government.Jimmy Joe,T
I’m mocking the Gawker smear piece, not mocking O’Donnell. Sheesh.
All truth is a smear to a Tea Bagger who gets caught . . .Sanford was being “smeared” . . . Vitter was being “smeared” . . . Ensign was being “smeared” . . . maybe if you quit being such hypocritical pussies, you wouldn’t look like such hypocritical pussies.
Ms. O’s early years were filled with “don’t masturbate” and “stay a virgin” (which is hardly a ‘bad’ message for our youth considering diseases that can ruin your quality of life if not outright KILL you)…now she’s an “older woman” and she can fuck anyone she wants (including some random guy three years ago who decided to kiss and tell).
People need to get over it. She’s not a witch and she probably masturbates now too. People grow up (well, SOME people do).
Keerist on a kracker!
Iknow delia was trying to defend past words.But she makes my case about those sexual predators molesting,and brainwashing our children.The Bible made clear teach the children in the way they should go,And they will not depart from it;All of humanity from birth,were born into sin.Which means born into rebellion. Progressive liberals even believe that,And have proven it by brainwashing children to think,and believe rebellion,Perversion,godlessness,And lawlessness,Is good.”In the last days they will call evil good,And Good evil”And we surrendered our children over to these licensed Pedophiles.Believing because they were licensed so-called professionals,We could trust,and believe in them.When we turned our children over to who only know what they were taught,Or are outright pedophiles.Just look at how many of our youth worshipping a Child molester,(Michael Jackson).Because they were tempted with eye candy(his celebrity,and professional abilities)Where were these kids parents?no-one cared because if you have fame,fortune,power etc.Their sis-o-phant beliefs,and lifestyles are no big deal;.Bill Clinton,Professional peeping tom,park bench pervert,And best known habitual sex offender.Who should be in jail.Yet it was Desperate women who didn’t care.He was their Imaginary Prince Charming,Provider,And sexual affair.Who told them what they wanted to hear,And believe. He was a proven sex offender,And habitual liar,Even under oath.But all they saw was their badboy sugar daddy.Either we believe the bible,and do a better job setting standards in society.Or we help create more,Jeffery Dahmer’s,Btk’s,Charlie Mansons,Bill Clinton’s,John Edwards,And Michael Jackson’s.All Intellectually Savvy;But Sic-ophants in their characters.Because society didn’t think it was necessary to teach them,And hold them responsible in the way they should go.Just take Charlie Manson,As an Example.I challenge anyone to do research on what progressive liberals,Believe,and find most passionate.And you will not be able to put a penny,Between their beliefs,And Charlie Manson’s.Yet Because our sensitivities toward evil has changed,Because what has been fed,or taught as fairness,civil,and human rights.In our classrooms,Media,And Entertainment Industries.We are teaching our children to be little Charlie Manson’s.The weather Underground,Barack obama’s favorite guru professors.Are on record saying they wish they could have been with charlie manson when sharon tate,and her unborn child was butchered.But all we want to discuss is the possible youthful Indescretions of Christine O’Donnell;How pathetic,How mis-guided are our priorities.Jimmy Joe,The “Liarfryer”
Chill Jimmy Joe, step away from the indignation! It was a parody of the Gawker story.
Even if O’Donnell is “slut”… I would vote for her …. just to vote Against Obama’s agenda.
O’DONNELL HAS MORE CREDIBILITY THAN PELOSI AND BOXER.
The standard is BOXER. And by that, Christine’s a very intelligent, honorable and independent WOMAN.
It’s relative. Compared to you, O’Ditzy [is] intelligent? So I can see why you said that.
But “honorable”? Obviously you were tuning out whenever anyone cited instances of her sleaziness, of her lying and of her [extremely] irresponsible behavior. She is an adult with the mind of a three-year-old child.
By independent you mean that she is so ditzy that she hasn’t had a date in 15 years, right?
Any rational and reasonably intelligent person has to ask, what the hell were Sarah Palin and the Tea Partiers thinking when they endorsed and threw their support behind Christine O’Donnell, Linda McMahon and Carly Fiorina, all three of whom are so strange and such inappropriate choices that they would be better qualified to be Democratic Party candidates for the U.S. Senate.
We’re beginning to see that the bored, eccentric and lonely housewives running the Tea Parties are as wacky as the women whom they have chosen in be their candidates. That’s all we need now: Frustrated, wacky housewives represented in Congress, along with those frustrated, wacky feminists, who haven’t gotten laid anytime recently either.
Misogyny-man strikes again!
Hmmm, but I get laid, and you don’t. What does that say about which one of us women prefer?
Whoa, betcha women get HOT when you say that your name is “Zombie”. Smooth pick-up line.
BTW, it’s called equalty, not misogyny. You don’t have a clue how women want to be treated.
You truly are clueless, assuming I am male.
Repeating the phrase “I get laid” only makes you more repugnant.
Get a life …, fatso.
I have been in Christine’s BEDROOM ! !
-The Sandman
I was with Christie last weekend. She dressed up like Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS and took on the entire boys’ of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
That’s spooky — I already have written a post comparing Sarah Palin to Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS, as an examination of liberals’ inability to deal with the kind of sexuality people like her and O’Donnell exude. Strange synchronicity. I held off posting it, thinking the cultural reference might be too obscure, but your comment has reassured me that perhaps Ilsa is as well known as I hoped she was. So, perhaps I will indeed post it soon. Thanks for the nudge. And you’ll LOVE the photoshop job I did on the Ilsa poster! The thesis of the essay, on the other hand, might be a bit more upsetting to you.
It’s not the sexuality we have a problem with. Love that (at least where Palin is concerned. O’Donnell suffers from the “almost pretty syndrome” that makes so many young girls turn into fat women with a chip on their shoulder.) So, no it’s not the sexuality we have a problem with. It’s the idiocy.
You owe me a new laptop, I had just taken a big gulp of milk and spewed it all over the screen. Now that was funny as heck, I don’t care who you are! For the dude above that missed the point, can you say parody?
You need some new material. That wasn’t clever the first 50 times that you used it.
Christine O’Donnell couldn’t have won that election, even if she looked and talked like Jessica Rabbit.