O, Pray for the Opossum
There will be no opossum-dropping in Brasstown — I looked it up; it’s not a euphemism for something dirty — this New Year’s Eve. The News-Observer has the details:
An administrative law judge ruled Tuesday that the state cannot issue a special permit allowing a caged marsupial to be lowered 20 feet over a stage – a 20-year tradition once profiled in The New York Times and the highlight of the mountain town’s celebration.
“Hunters must afford wild animals the same right Patrick Henry yearned for,” Senior Administrative Law Judge Fred Morrison Jr. wrote in his order. “’Give me liberty, or give me death!’”
The decision hands a victory to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which sued the state in December and has long argued that confining a ‘possum and subjecting it to loud noises and heavy crowds constitutes cruel treatment, regardless of it being released into the wild after the event. Two years ago, PETA made similar charges about the handling of Punxsutawney Phil, proposing that the Pennsylvania town use a robotic groundhog instead.
I have questions for PETA and for Administrative Law Judge Fred Morrison Jr.
What if I happen to be lawfully transporting a opossum to Opossum Paradise, through dangerous territory filled with deadly… whatever it is that eats opossum… and so I’m keeping it in a plexiglass opossum transport device for its own safety — would that be OK and in keeping with the fine traditions of Patrick Henry?
Furthermore, what if once I reach my car, I find it has slipped down a 20-foot embankment. There is no way for me to safely climb down to my car while carrying my plexiglass opossum transport device, but I do find a length of rope sturdy enough to allow me to lower the device (and its precious opossum cargo) safely down to my car? Time is of the essence, as deadly opossum-eating carnivores of some kind are closing in. Would this be a violation of my animal’s civil rights?
Did I mention the deadly predators are playing loud music? And that it might even be country music? What now is my proper course of action?
And finally, what do you have against robot approximations of wildlife?
Maybe they could get a national sponsor for their event and drop a chalupa instead.
““Hunters must afford wild animals the same right Patrick Henry yearned for,” Senior Administrative Law Judge Fred Morrison Jr. wrote in his order. “’Give me liberty, or give me death!’””
What an utter contradiction on its face. Liberty includes the right to your life, including not being randomly gunned down, and yet hunters do randomly gun down animals. Not only are we now going to be governed by Obama Administrative Law Judges, but they are stupid Obama Administrative Law Judges.
Fred Morrison, I hate to say, isn’t an Obama Admin Law Judge. He’s a Bev Perdue Admin Law Judge. He works for the State of North Carolina in the Office of Administrative Hearings.
As a NC resident, I have the displeasure of knowing that my taxes help pay his salary.
Give it Liberty, or give it death. So shoot the friken rodent and lower it’s dead carcass to the stage. That shoulD satisfy the judge, let the people have their celebration and make PETA cry. WIN, WIN, WIN.
Hey, could be worse. In Ypers Belgium they have a Cat Festival every three years. Until recently they tossed live ones from a high tower. Now it’s just cloth ersatz kitties but the spirit of the event still sounds malicious to me.
Tacitus
Why not just use a dead opossum?