Sorry, but no drunkblogging for me tonight. After a long night of no sleep and a day spent tending a baby with a head cold — well, I’d rather put my feet up on the ottoman and watch House and Smallville on the TiVo. But that doesn’t mean you can’t play along at home.
Have plenty of fixings for your favorite lovely adult beverage. I’m partial to martinis, but this time of year you can’t go wrong with a roaring fire and a brandy snifter the size a bull mastiff’s head. You’ll also need a TV tuned into CNN (sorry about that part), a laptop with a wireless connection, and — this is the tricky part — a blog.
If you don’t have a blog, don’t worry. Skip the laptop, too. But don’t short yourself on the brandy — you’ll need to start your first one a good 30 minutes before the opening bell.
Settled in? OK. Here’s where it gets fun.
Do you have one of those really comfy sofas all covered in those ridiculous little square pillows? If so, sit there. I find the pillows make excellent “(S)he said what???” throwing objects.
Talk back to the TV. Talk loudly. Or, if you’re blogging, type loudly. If you find you’re shy at first, don’t worry; that’s what the booze is for. The volume will, eventually, come naturally.
If the moderator asks a question you’ve heard in a previous debate, drink.
If a candidate answers with a line you’ve heard in a campaign commercial, drink.
Take one drink for every blue shirt.
Take one drink for every red tie.
Take one drink for every red tie/blue shirt combo.
“My opponent…” take a drink.
If Clinton raises one eyebrow more than an eighth of an inch, take three drinks. (You ought to be safe on this one, but only her nip & tuck guy knows for sure.)
If Obama adjusts his tie, take two drinks.
Candidate answers actual question that was asked, take two drinks.
The word “quagmire” is now worth three drinks.
“Surge” is down to two.
“Timetable” is just one.
“Lying about my record…” finish whatever is in your glass.
“George W Bush,” “recession,” “tax cuts for the wealthy,” “targeted,” “middle class,” and “grow the economy” no longer require any drinks at all, on the advice of my personal liability attorney.
There are plenty more rules you can play by, but these should be more than enough to get you started. Far more than enough — they should land you on the floor.